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Comic 

Recitations    and    Readings 

BEING  A  COMPLETE  ASSORTMENT  OP  COMIC, 
HUMOROUS  AND  DIALECT  RECITATIONS, 
SUITABLE  FOR  DELIVERY  AT  ALL  TIMES  AND 
ON  ALL  OCCASIONS,  INCLUDING  ALL  OF 
THE  LATE  AND  POPULAR  EFFORTS  OF  THE 
world's  greatest  HUMORISTS  AND 
ENTERTAINERS. 


COMPILED    BY 

CHARLES  AV ALTER  BROWN. 

Associate  Author  "Common   School  Elocution 

and  Oratory, "  "  Rational  Elocution 

and  Eeading, "  Etc. 


Chicago 

Frederick  J.  Dkake  &  Company 

Publishers 


COPYRIGHT.  1903 

BY  FKEDERICK  J.  DRAKE  &  CO. 

CHICAGO,  ILL..  U.S.A. 


PREFACE 


It  is  a  common  saying  that  the  reader  or 
speaker  who  can  draw  both  smiles  and  tears  from 
his  audience  is  one  to  be  envied.  If  you  would 
awaken  emotions  in  the  hearts  of  your  hearers 
you  must  have  recitations  suited  to  the  purpose. 
It  is  equally  important  that  you  enter  fully  into 
the  spirit  of  each  selection.  Do  not  deliver  a 
humorous  selection  in  a  cold,  unfeeling  manner. 
If  you  feel  the  woixls  you  are  uttering  by  subtle 
influence  you  cannot  fail  to  move  those  who  hear 
you.  Give  reality  to  aU  the  emotions  your  words 
aim  to  express  and  your  efforts  will  not  be  un- 
availing. 

The  publishers  have  the  fullest  assurance  that 
in  the  publication  of  Comic  Recitations  and 
Readings  the  demand  for  short,  pithy,  spicy, 
racy  humor  is  amply  supplied.  A  greater  va- 
riety of  choice  recitations  is  contained  in  this 
book  than  in  any  similar  compilation  now  on  the 
market. 

Si8S47 


CONTENTS 


Hans  Bleimer  's  Mool 9 

Tickled  All  Oafer 10 

The  "Ole  Marster's"  Christmas 11 

This  Means  You,  Girls 13 

Ramon.     (Bret  Harte)    16 

Uncle  Joel  on  Peddlers 19 

Uncle  Cephas'  Yam 21 

His  Love   23 

Me  and  My  Dog 24 

Der  Oak  und  der  Vine 26 

A  Scientific  Party 27 

The  Smack  in  School 30 

Vas  Bender  Henschpecked  ?  (Von  Boyle) . .  31 

Taste 33 

Peter  Sorghum  in  Love.     (Alf  Burnett) ...  35 

The  Irishman's  Panorama.  (Jas.  Burdette)  38 

Fritz'  Courtship  40 

The    Emancipation    of    Man.      (Robert  J. 

Burdette)    42 

Trials  of  a  Twin 46 


b  CONTENTS. 

De  Rev.  Plato  Johnson  on  Free  Circulation 

Liberies  47 

The  Rival  Drummers.     (Anon) 49 

The  Arkansas  Traveller 51 

In  Answer.     (Rose  Hartwick  Thorpe) ....  53 
A  Scream  from  the  American  Eagle  in  Da- 
kota.    (Anon)   55 

The  Royal  Bumper  Degree.     How  a  Boy 

Initiated  His  Dad.     (From  Peck's  Sun).  63 

The  Photograph  Album.     (Ella  Bevier) ...  67 

Intensely  Utter.     (Anon) G9 

Fat's  Bondsman.     (Lillian  A.  Moulton) .  . .  73 

"Whar's  de  Kerridge?"     (Anon) 75 

Aunt  Patience's  Doughnuts,      (Anon)....  78 

Mark-Twain's  Anecdote  on  A.  Ward 86 

The  Hypochondriac 87 

Nubachadnezzar   89 

Hans  Breitman's  Party 91 

The  Irish  Philosopher 93 

Der  Drummer   95 

When  I  Was  Ten  and  She  Was  Fifteen 96 

The  Old  Oaken  Bucket— Parody 97 

Only  a  Pin 99 

Total  Annihilation   100 

Mr.  Caudle  and  His  Second  Wife 101 

The  Charge  of  "De  Dutch  Brigade" 105 

Hew  Dennis  Took  the  Pledge 106 


CONTENTS.  7 

Shake  und  Agers  107 

Der  Nighd  Pehind  Grisdmas.     (George  W. 

Wetmore)    110 

Katrina  Sees  a  Game  of  Football 112 

Schnitzel 's  Velocipede  113 

Psalm  of  Marriage 115 

Agnes,  I  Love  Thee 116 

A  Potato  Bug  117 

Der  Shpider  und  der  Fly 118 

The  Bachelor's  Soliloquy 11-^ 

The  Puzzled  Census  Taker 121 

A  Midnight  Tragedy 121 

A  Lovely  Scene 122 

Popping  the  Question 123 

He  Didn't  Want  the  'Scription 125 

Bill's  in  Trouble  126 

"Spacially  Jim" 127 

The  Marriage  Ceremony 128 

Blasted  Hopes  129 

Tim  Murphy  Makes  a  Few  Remarks 130 

Passing  of  the  Horse 132 

A  School-Day    134 

The  Bicycle  and  the  Pup 136 

It  Made  No  Difference 137 

Bridget  O'Flannagan  on  Christian  Science 

and  Cockroaches  139 

Conversational   140 


8  CONTENTS. 

Wanted,  a  Minister's  Wife 140 

How  a  Married  Man  Sews  on  a  Button ....  142 

The  Dutchman 's  Serenade 144 

Biddy's  Troubles    146 

The  Inventor's  Wife 148 

The  Schoolma'am's  Courting 153 

The  Dutchman 's  Snake 154 

No   Kiss    158 

Lisping  Lover   159 

Larrie  0  'Dee  159 

How  Paderewski  Plays  the  Piano 161 

Freckel  Face  Girl 163 

When  Girls  Wore  Calico 165 

Winning  Company 167 

Bravest  Sailor  of  All 167 

How  She  Was  Consoled 167 

That  Hired  Girl  169 

What  Sambo  Says 171 

Irish  Sleighride 173 

Jane  Jones    175 

De  Ole  Plantation  Mule 176 

Adam  Never  Was  a  Boy 177 


Comic  Recitations  and  Readings 


HANS  BLEIMER'S  MOOL. 

Hans  Bleimer  shtood  by  dot  burning  shkip 

]\Iidt  two  hands  on  his  mool ; 
Der  mool  he  shumped,  Hans  used  his  vip, 

Und  called  dat  beasht  a  fool. 
Of  course  dot  mool  he  vood  not  go, 

He  vas  schared  so  by  dot  fire ; 
So  Hans  he  hits  dot  mool  a  blow 

Dot  raised  its  heels  up  higher. 
Und  shtill  dot  shtubborn  mool  shtood  by 

Mit  his  two  f eets  oudt  before ; 
His  eye  vas  viled,  his  tail  vost  high. 

Vile  round  der  flames  did  roar. 
Den  Hans,  he  tinks  dat  game's  played  out, 

So  he  dries  some  oder  plan, 
To  dhrive  dot  shweet— mool  uf  dat  shkip 
Und  bringt  him  safe  by  landt. 
Der  man  in  der  moon  smiled  to  de  East, 

Und  de  stars  midt  fun  vinked  out. 
Der  vishes  fildt  dare  teeth  for  a  feast, 

Und  Hans  Bleimer  vendt  his  plans  about. 
Den  Hans  he  takes  kwick  off  his  coats, 

His  face  vos  schared  und  bale. 


10  COMIC  RECITATIONS. 

Und  midt  six  hundred  vicked  oats, 

He  vendt  for  dot  shtrong  mool's  daU. 
Den  Mr.  Mool  vos  so  oxprised, 

Midt  Hans  Bleimer  in  his  rear, 
Dot  anger  shone  all  oudt  his  eye, 

Und  fidt  vas  in  his  ear. 
Six  shuraps !  six  kicks !  Oh  awful  doom ! 

Hans  Bleimer  vare,  oh,  vare  vas  he  ? 
Go  shpeak  by  de  man  vot  durns  de  moon — 

Der  vishes  by  the  sea. 
Veil  anyhow  poor  Hans  hadt  shweet  revenge, 

So  dite  he  heldt  above  vot  hit  him 
Dot  ven  he  left  dis  vicket  vorldt, 

Der  best  part  uf  dot  dail  vent  mit  him. 

I.  H.  Brown. 


TICLED  ALL  OAFER. 

The  Chief  of  Police  yesterday  had  a  visit  from 
an  old  farmer  living  out  on  the  Center  Line  road, 
who  had  a  story  to  tell.  After  two  or  three  ef- 
forts, he  began :  — 

"I  vhas  goin  home  last  night  ven  I  overtakes 
two  men  on  der  roadt.  Dose  fellers  dey  laft,  und 
saidt  would  I  gif  'em  a  ride  ?  I  laft,  too,  und  say, 
'shump  in.'  " 

' '  Yes,  I  understand. ' ' 

"Booty  queek  one  feller  laft,  und  saidt  he 
likes  Dutchmens,  'cause  his  uncle  vas  a  Dutch- 
mans.  Dot  vhas  all  right,  und  so  I  laft,  too.  I 
vhas  real  tickled,  und  I  shakes  all  oafer." 

"Yes.'^ 


SELECTED  READINGS.  11 

*'In  a  leetle  vhile  one  feller  vhants  me  to 
shange  a  seven-tolar  bill,  so  as  he  could  gif  some 
money  to  der  orphan  assylums ;  und  he  laf  ts,  ha ! 
ha !  ha !.  Dot  tickled  me  some  more,  und  I  laf  ts 
too.  Den  de  odder  feller,  he  grabs  me  py  der  col- 
lar und  pulls  me  down  behind,  und  says  dey 
looks  in  my  pockets  for  a  shteampoat  dot  vos 
stolen  from  Detroit.  Dot  makes  us  all  laff,  like 
some  goot  shoke. ' ' 


THE  "OLE  MARSTER'S"  CHRISTMAS. 


* '  Yer  axes  me  what  dis  heah  is,  sah  ? 

Well,  hit's  nufifin',  sah,  but  jes'  er  coat— 
Jes'  wun  ob  dese  long,  gray,  ulsty  kin', 

Whar  buttons  close  up  on  de  th'oat. 
I  got  hit  ter  fit  on  er  fren',  sah, 

An'  I'se  gwine  an'  wid  my  own  han* 
Ter  wrop  hit  eroun'  de  bes'  hart,  sah, 

Dat  is  beatin'  ter  day  in  dis  Ian'! 

"No,  tain't  fer  nobody  whar's  kin  ter  me— 

'Cept  dis,  sah,  dat  in  dem  ole  days 
'Fore  de  wah  an '  fore  f reedum  cum  in,  sah. 

He  wuz  den  my  'Ole  Marster'  always. 
He  wuz  kin'  an'  ez  jest  ez  er  judge,  sah, 

An'  always  done  right  by  us  all. 
An'  he  nebber  forget  w'en  twuz  Christmas 

Ter  hab  sumthin'  in  han'  fer  us  all ! 


12  COMIC   EECITATIONS. 

"But  de  wah  an'  destruckshin  cum  on  him, 

An '  he  loss  all  he  had  in  de  Ian ', 
An'  feebled,  an'  fren'less,  an'  weak,  sah. 

Had  ter  lib  by  de  wuck  ob  his  han'. 
I  tell  yer  de  fite's  bin  er  hard  'un— 

Dis  keepin'  de  wolf  fum  de  do', 
An'  offen  he'z  sed  he'd  gib  up,  sah, 

An'  not  try  ter  fite  enny  mo' ! 

"But  I'd  brace  him  up,  sorter-like,  sayin': 

'Bar's  better  times  cumin'  ahead— 
Jes '  keep  on  er  peggin '  an '  prayin ', 

An '  nebber  say  die  tell  yer  dead ! ' 
An'  so,  he'd  keep  tryin'  an'  tryin'. 

But  he  couldn  't  keep  up  a  strong  lick ; 
An'  at  las'  had  ter  gib  up  hiz  weepon 

An'  lay  down  like  a  little  chile,  sick! 

"Den  we  dun  de  bes'  wuek  in  de  wulP,  sah, 

Ter  bring  him  ag'in  ter  hisse'f, 
Ter  keep  his  po'  body  awhile  heah, 

An'  keep  in  hit  hiz  fiickerin'  href; 
But  I  seed  him  dis  wanmin'  so  po'ly. 

So  thin,  an'  so  pale,  an'  so  bar', 
Dat  I  jes'  tuck  er  holt  on  my  heart-strings 

An  played  'em  f er  all  dat  wuz  dar ! 

"So  I'se  tuck  all  de  munney  I'd  laid  up 
Fer  ter  buy  me  my  own  Christmas  gif  *, 
An'  boughten  dis  coat,  good  an'  warm,  sah, 
Fer  ter  gib  my  Ole  Marster  a  lif ' ! 

I  know  he'll  be  glad  wid  de  cumfurt 
Hit '11  bring  ter  hiz  weakly  ole  frame; 


SELECTED  READINGS.  1? 

WMle  me?— I  kin  skirmish  eroun'  Leah, 
An'  feel  happy  an'  rich  jes'  de  same!" 

So  went  the  old  man  on  his  mission 

As  happy  as  ever  a  king, 
His  heart  beating  holier  music 

Than  ever  a  mortal  can  sing. 
And  though  others  may  think  that  a  nigger 

Has  never  the  gift  of  a  soul, 
He's  got  something  will  pass  for  its  equal 

When  Heaven  shall  call  its  last  roll! 

—Atlanta  Constitution. 


THIS  MEANS  YOU,  GIRLS. 

Come  here.  Sis,  and  sit  down  beside  me,  and 
let  me  give  you  a  little  talking  to.  That  is 
right.  Sit  clear  at  the  other  end  of  the  sofa. 
It  makes  more  room  for  my  gout  and  corns,  be- 
sides being  a  good  habit  for  a  young  lady  to 
become  addicted  to.  Always  pander  to  this 
habit,  and  you  will  in  time  find  yourself  walk- 
ing through  green  meadows  and  beside  the  still 
waters  of  self-respect.  You  may  be  walking 
alone,  to  be  sure,  but  will  have  fewer  lawn 
dresses  to  do  up  on  ^londay  morning.  I  wish 
to  speak  to  you  of  your  mother.  It  may  be  you 
have  noticed  a  careworn  look  upon  her  face 
lately.  Of  course  it  has  not  been  brought  there 
l>y  any  act  of  yours,  still  it  is  your  duty  to  chase 
it  away.  I  don't  mean  for  you  to  run  at  it 
and  shake  your  skirt-s,  and  tell  it  to  "shoo,"  as 


14  COMIC  RECITATIONS. 

you  would  a  hen,  nor  do  I  expect  you  to»  get  on 
the  other  side  of  the  fence  and  throw  old  oyster 
cans  and  pieces  of  barrel  staves  at  it,  as  you  did 
at  the  cow  yesterday.  But  I  want  you  to  get 
up  to-morrow  morning  and  get  taeakfast,  and 
when  your  mother  comes  down  and  begins  to 
express  her  surprise  go  right  up  to  her  and 
kiss  her  on  the  mouth.  You  don't  imagine  how 
it  will  brighten  up  her  dear  face.  Besides,  you 
owe  her  a  kiss  or  two.  Away  back  when  you 
were  a  little  girl  she  has  kissed  you  when  no 
one  else  was  tempted  by  your  fever-tainted 
breath  >and  swollen  face.  You  were  not  attract- 
ive then  as  you  are  now.  And  along  through 
those  years  of  childish  sunshine  and  shadow, 
she  was  ready  to  cure,  by  the  magic  of  a 
mother's  kiss,  the  little,  dirty,  chubby  hands 
whenever  they  were  injured  in  those  first  skir- 
mishes with  the  rough  world.  And  then  the 
midnight  kisses  with  which  she  has  routed  so 
many  bad  dreams,  as  she  leaned  above  your  rest- 
less pillow,  have  all  been  on  interest  these  long, 
long  years.  Of  course,  she  is  not  pretty  and 
kissable  as  you  are,  but  if  you  had  done  your 
share  of  the  work  during  these  last  ten  years  the 
contrast  would  not  be  so  marked.  Her  face  has 
more  wrinkles  than  yours,  far  more,  and  yet  if 
you  were  sick  that  face  would  appear  to  you  to 
be  more  beautiful  than  an  angel's  as  it  hovered 
over  you,  watching  every  opportunity  to  minis- 
ter to  your  comfort,  and  every  one  of  those 
wrinkles  would  be  bright  wavelets  of  sunshine; 
chasing  each  other  over  the  dear  old  face.     She 


SELECTED  READINGS.  15 

■vsnll  leave  you  one  of  these  days.  Those  bur- 
dens, if  not  lifted  from  her  shoulders,  will  break 
her  down.  Those  rough,  hard  hands  that  have 
done  so  many  unnecessary  things  for  you  will 
be  crossed  upon  her  lifeless  breast.  Those 
neglected  lips  that  gave  you  your  firstbaby-kiss 
will  be  forever  closed,  and  those  sad,  tired  eyes 
will  have  opened  in  eternity,  and  then  you 
will  appreciate  your  mother,  but  it  will  be  too 
late.  There,  there,  don't  cry;  she  has  not  left 
you  yet.  She  is  dovm  in  the  kitchen,  stringing 
beans  for  dinner.  And  after  dinner  you  might 
do  up  the  dishes  while  she  takes  a  little  nap. 
Then  you  might  take  down  her  hair  and  do  it 
up  for  her.  You  need  not  \vind  it  over  your 
finger  and  fuss  to  make  little  spit-curls  as  you 
used  to  do  \dth  yours,  but  give  it  a  good  brush- 
ing, and  ^vind  it  up  gently  and  tenderly,  as  if 
you  enjoyed  doing  it  for  her.  The  young  man 
down  in  the  parlor  can  wait  until  you  have 
performed  these  duties.  If  he  expresses  any 
impatience,  you  may  explain  to  him  that  you 
feel  under  more  obligation  to  your  mother  than 
you  do  to  him.  If  this  does  not  seem  to  satisfy 
him,  ask  him  how  many  times  he  has  got  up  in 
the  middle  of  the  night  to  warm  peppermint  for 
you  when  you  were  dying  Avith  the  colic,  or  how 
many  hours  he  has  carried  you  up  and  doAvn 
the  room  just  because  you  would  not  be  quieted 
any  other  way.  Ask  him  to  repeat  Mother  Hub- 
bard backwards,  and,  if  he  is  unable  to  do  it, 
it  will  be  proof  positive  that  he  is  not  the  one 
who  has  repeated  it  and  explained  it  to  you 


16  COMIC  RECITATIONS. 

seventeen  hundred  times.  Catechize  him  to  find 
if  he  is  the  one  who  gave  you  the  black  silk 
dress,  and  sat  up  at  night  to  make  it  while  you 
were  off  having  a  good  time.  Corner  him  up  and 
make  him  admit  that  he  went  without  a  new 
bonnet  last  winter  that  you  might  enjoy  a 
twelve-dollar  one  that  you  admired  so  much. 
"Wring  from  him  a  confession  that  he  has  a  stitch 
in  his  side  brought  there  by  doing  up  your 
finery  week  after  week.  Then  show  him  out  the 
front  door,  put  on  a  calico  apron,  and  help 
your  mother  pick  currants  for  jelly,  and  I  guar- 
antee you  will  think  more  of  yourself,  the  world 
will  think  more  of  you,  and  you  will  be  happier 
and  better  for  having  done  so. 

Peck's  Sun. 


EAMON. 


Drunk  and  senseless  in  his  place, 
Prone  and  sprawling  on  his  face, 
JJf  ore  like  brute  than  any  man 

Alive  or  dead— 
By  his  great  pump  out  of  gear. 
Lay  the  peon  engineer. 
Waking  only  just  to  hear, 

Overhead, 
Angry  tones  that  called  his  name, 
Oaths  and  cries  of  bitter  blame- 
Woke  to  hear  this,  and  waking,  turned  and  fled ! 


SELECTED  READINGS.  IT 

"To  the  man  who'll  bring  to  me," 

Cried  Intendant  Harry  Lee— 
iHarry  Lee,  the  English  foreman  of  the  mine— 

"Bring  the  sot,  alive  or  dead, 

I  will  give  him,"  he  said, 

"Fifteen  hundred  pesos  down, 

Just  to  get  the  rascal's  crown 
Underneath  this  heel  of  mine; 
Since  but  death 

Deserves  the  man  whose  deed 

Be  it  vice  or  want  of  heed, 

Stops  the  pumps  that  give  us  breath, 

Stops  the  pumps  that  suck  the  death 
From  the  poisoned  lower  levels  of  the  mine!" 

No  one  answered,  for  a  cry 
From  the  shaft  rose  up  on  high ; 
And  shuffling,  scrambling  from  below 
Came  the  miners  each,  the  bolder 
Mounting  on  the  weaker 's  shoulder, 
Grappling,  clinging  to  their  hold  or 

Letting  go, 
As  the  weaker  gasped  and  fell 
From  the  ladder  to  the  well— 
To  the  poisoned  pit  of  hell 

Down  below! 

"To  the  man  who  sets  them  free," 
Cried  the  foreman,  Harry  Lee — 
Harry  Lee,  the  English  foreman  of  the  mine— 
"Brings  thoin  out,  and  sets  them  free, 
I  will  give  that  man,"  said  he, 
"Twice  that  sum,  who  with  a  rope. 


18  COMIC  RECITATIONS. 

Face  to  face  with  death  shall  cope, 
Let  him  come  who  dares  to  hope ! ' ' 
* '  Hold  your  peace ! ' '  some  one  replied, 
Standing  by  the  foreman 's  side ; 
"There  has  one  already  gone,  whoe'er  he  be!" 

Then  they  held  their  breath  with  awe, 

Pulling  on  the  rope,  and  saw 

Fainting  figures  reappear. 

On  the  black  rope  swinging  clear. 
Fastened  by  some  skilful  hand  from  below; 

Till  a  score  the  level  gained, 

And  but  one  alone  remained— 

He  the  hero  and  the  last, 

He  whose  skilful  hand  made  fast 
The  long  line  that  brought  them  back  to  hope 
and  cheer. 

Haggard,  gasping,  down  dropped  he 
At  the  feet  of  Harry  Lee — 
Harry  Lee,  the  English  foreman  of  the  mine : 
"I  have  come,"  he  gasped,  "to  claim 
Both  rewards.     Senor,  my  name 

Is  Ramon ! 
I'm  the  drunken  engineer— 
I'm  the  coward,  Senor — "    Here 
He  fell  over  by  that  sign 

Dead  as  stone ! 

Bret  Harte. 


SELECTED  READINGS.  19 

UNCLE  JOEL  ON  PEDDLERS. 

I  heard  Uncle  Joel  talking  loudly  with  a  man 
carrjdng  a  peddler's  outfit  and  dressed  in  a 
summer  hat,  a  light-weight  suit,  low  shoes  and 
a  two- weeks'  beard,  near  the  steps  leading  to 
the  Maiden  Lane  bridge,  yesterday,  but  did  not 
arrive  upon  the  scene  until  they  had  separated. 

"Dat  ar  man,"  said  the  old  gentleman,  in 
explanation,  "interduced  hisself  an'  wanted  me 
ter  buy  a  set  ob  fish-hooks.  I  tole  'im  dat  I  ueb- 
bah  bo't  fish-hooks  in  de  fall,  an'  dat  I  gen'ly 
sabed  time,  money  and  bait  by  doin'  my  fisliiu' 
at  de  fish-maakit.  Den  he  wanted  me  fo'  ter 
pu 'chase  a  yaller  neck-xie.  I  ain't  got  no  mo' 
use  fo'  a  neck-tie  dan  a  locomotive  hez  for  a 
side-saddle,  an'  tole  'im  so.  Den  he  come  out 
wid  a  bottle  ob  ointmen'  dat  he  war  willin'  fo' 
ter  warrant  wud  cuah  corns,  destroy  salt  rheum, 
remedy  dyspepsha,  antidote  bad  digestion, 
check  debility,  dispel  low  speerits,  restoah  de 
stumick,  curb  dis'onesty,  correc'  bad  habits,  help 
de  nose-bleed,  demolish  onnat'rel  wakefulness, 
ginyrate  energy,  heal  bad  feelin's,  presarve  de 
eyesight,  break  up  de  chills,  scattah  malery,  an- 
ni'late  cataa,  (juench  de  thirst,  extripate  ole 
soahs,  extingwish  pimples,  slay  boils,  an'  in 
shawt,  'radycate  fo'fif 's  ob  de  ailments  ob  man- 
kin'.  I  looked  at  'im  in  s 'prise,  an'  remaakecl, 
fustly,  dat  ef  I  had  haft'  de  diseases  'numyrated, 
he  cud  make  mo'  money  my  peddlin'  me  a 
coffin;  secon'ly,  dat  his  ointmen'  had  too  many 
d'ons  in  de  fiah  ter  do  a  good  job  ob  healin'  ob 
any  kin';  lliirdly,  diit  it  war  aMin  \ny  principles 


20  COMIC  RECITATIONS. 

fo'  ter  pu'ehase  remedies  in  advance  ob  illness. 
A  man  can  kin  go  afoot  an'  nebbah  feel  hit,  yit 
de  moment  he  gits  a  boss  wanter  ride  all  de 
time;  an'  hits  de  same  way  wid  medsen;  yo' 
git  a  bottle  an'  hang  hit  up  in  de  pantry,  an' 
widin'  fo'  weeks  yo'll  'magin,  dat  yo'm  got 
eb'ry  symptom  ob  illness  described  on  de  label 
ob  de  bottle.  Fo'thly,  I  tole  de  man  dat  I 
didn'  hab  any  money  ter  buy  wid;  an'  whadder 
yo'  'spose  de  man  did  den?  He  wanted  me  ter 
buy  a  pocket-book.  Ez  Shakespar  sez,  some  men 
are  bo'n  foolish,  some  achieve  foolishness,  and 
oddahs  hab  foolishness  frust  'pon  dem.  I 
fought  dat  jis'  den  I  war  habbin'  foolishness 
frust  'pon  me,  an'  commenced  fo'  ter  talk  ter 
dat  pedlah  wid  loud  langwidge.  I  tole  'im  dat 
a  man  w'o  'spected  fo'  ter  make  a  libbin'  by 
pedlin',  awter  lay  in  a  stock  ob  judgment  fo'  his 
own  use.  A  man  can't  sell  ingyuns  an'  eah- 
rings  in  de  same  tone  ob  voice,  sah,  any  mo' 
dan  a  black  hen  kin  lay  a  cullud  egg.  He's 
gotter  know  w'o  he's  talkin'  to  an'  w'at  a  man 
am  'pa'rently  in  need  ob.  He  can't  'spec'  fo' 
ter  dispose  ob  a  pocket-book  ter  a  man  w'o  a 'n't 
got  no  money,  enny  mo'  don  he  kin  ter  sell  a 
box  ob  papah  collahs  ter  a  cigar-stoah  injin,  er  a 
ring-bone  spavined  canal  boss  ter  a  Vanderbilt, 
er  a  spyglass  ter  a  blin'  man.  But,"  continued 
the  old  gentleman  cooling  down  a  little,  ^'ez  de 
good  book  sez,  yo'  musn'  'spec'  fo'  ter  pluck 
grapes  f 'om  a  crab-apple  tree,  nor  figs  f 'cm 
thistles,  an'  I  (loan'  s'pose  dat  ar  pedlah  er  tex 
blame  fo'  w'at  he  doan'  know.    He  wucks  'corf^ 


SELECTED  READINGS.  21 

in'  ter  his  light,  an'  ef  'is  light  er  dim,  he  de- 
sarves  pity  ruddah  dan  sensha.  Hit  takes  all 
kin's  o'  people  ter  make  an  interestin'  wol'.  Ef 
eberybody  war  jis'  like  his  nabah,  dis  life  'ud  be 
ez  monytoneus  ez  an  en 'less  journey  'longside 
ob  a  picket- fence  fo'  foot  high.  Ef  I'd  tho't  de 
mattah  obah,  sah,  befo'  I  got  excited,  I'd  ha' 
advised  dat  pedlah  ter  change  his  ockyp ashen. 
He'll  nebbah  git  erlong  in  dat  business.  Ef  de 
'bility  ter  tote  a  pack  roun'  war  all  dat's  neces- 
sary f o '  ter  make  a  pedlah,  he  mought  succeed ; 
but  mo '  dan  dat  er  needed.  Ez  my  f  addah  uster 
tole  me,  w'en  I  'splayed  a  laage  anxiety  ez  ter 
de  prospeks  ob  haar  on  my  face,  ']\Iy  son,  ef  a 
beard  war  all  dat's  necessary,  a  goat  cud  run  fo' 
offis.'  " 

Albany  Argus. 


UNCLE   CEPHAS'  YARN. 

"Talking  of  preachers,"  said  Caleb  Parker, 
"reminds  me  of  a  story  they  tell  of  Uncle  Cep- 
has Bascom,  of  North-haven,  Uncle  Cephas  was 
a  shoemaker,  and  he  never  went  to  sea  much, 
only  to  anchor  his  skiff  in  the  Narrows  abreast 
of  his  house,  and  catch  a  mess  of  scup,  or  to 
pole  a  load  of  salt-hay  from  Sancjuitt  Island, 
But  he  used  to  visit  his  married  daughter,  in 
Vermont,  and  up  there  they  knew  he  come  from 
the  seaboard,  and  they  used  to  call  him  'Captain 
Bascom.'  So,  one  time  when  he  was  there,  they 
held  a  Sabbath  school  concert,  and  nothing  would 


22  COMIC  RECITATIONS. 

do  but  'Captain  Bascom'  must  talk  to  the  boy<>i 
and  tell  a  sea-yarn,  and  draw  a  moral,  the  way 
the  Deacon,  here,  does,"  The  Deacon  gravelj' 
smiled,  and  stroked  his  beard.  "Well,  Uncle 
Cephas  was  ruther  pleased  with  his  name  of 
'Captain  Bascom,'  and  he  didn't  like  to  go  back 
on  it,  and  so  he  flaxed  round  to  git  up  some- 
thing. It  seems  he  had  heard  a  summer  boarder 
talk  in  Sabbath-school,  at  North-haven;  he  told 
how  a  poor  boy  minded  his  mother,  and  then  got 
to  tend  store,  and  then  kep'  store  himself,  and 
then  he  jumped  it  on  them:  'That  poor  boy,' 
says  he,  'nows  stands  before  you.'  So  Uncle 
Cephas  thought  him  up  a  similar  yarn.  Well, 
he  had  never  spoke  in  meeting  before,  and  he 
hemmed  and  hawed  some,  but  he  got  on  quite 
well  while  he  was  telling  about  a  certain  poor 
boy,  and  all  that,  and  how  the  boy  when  he 
grew  up  was  out  at  sea,  in  an  open  boat,  and 
saw  a  great  sword-fish  making  for  the  boat 
Hail  Columbia,  and  bound  to  stave  right 
through  her  and  sink  her,  and  how  this  man 
he  took  an  oar,  and  give  it  a  swing,  and  broke 
the  critter's  sword  square  off;  and  then  Uncle 
Cephas— he'd  begun  to  git  a  little  flustered,  he 
stopped  short,  and  waved  his  arms,  and  says 
he,  'Boys,  what  do  you  think?  That  sword- 
fish  now  stands  before  you!' 

"I  cal'late  that  brought  the  house  down." 

Century  Magazine. 


SELECTED  READINGS.  23 

HIS  LOVE. 

It  was  evening  in  the  country.  The  moon- 
beams peeped  softly  between  the  leaves  of  the 
pulseless  elm,  and  kissed  the  song-birds  lost  in 
happy  dreams.  The  rose  and  the  lily  were  asleep, 
so  were  the  parsnip  and  the  string-bean,  and 
all  the  amorous  air  was  toned  with  languid  scent 
to  the  sublime  altitude  of  a  swell  drug  store. 

They  were  walking  up  the  shady  avenue  from 
the  village  whither  he  had  taken  her  to  prove 
his  boundless  admiration  and  love  at  a  five  cent 
SO' la- water  fountain. 

"No,"  he  commenced,  for  he  knew  they  were 
getting  near  her  vine-clad  cottage,  and  he  hadn't 
much  time  to  lose,  "my  love  for  you  shall  never 
wane,  wilt,  or  grow  less.  With  you  I  shall  sail 
through  life  as  tranquilly  as  over  a  placid  moon- 
lit lake  in  a  flat-bottomed  boat,  with  a  virtuoso 
at  the  stern  playing  the  *  Old  Folks  at  Home, '  on 
an  accordion.  You  are  my  evening  star  this 
evening  and  every  other  evening,  and  you  shall 
have  a  seal-skin  sacque  every  Christmas. ' ' 

She  clutched  his  ready-made  coat— or  rather 
its  sleeve— in  a  wild  ecstacy  of  ineffable  de- 
light, while  he  continued:  "You  are  the  sweet 
particular  idol  of  my  life,  and  I  shall  take  you  to 
the  circus  next  week.  My  love  for  you  burns 
like  a  dollar  in  a  poet's  pocket;  it  also  burns  like 
yon  snowy  star,  and  not  till  that  goes  out—" 

"It  has  just  gone  out,"  she  broke  in. 

"Alas,  toolrue!"  he  sighed.  "I  have  been 
swearing  by  a  Fourth  of  July  balloon." 


24  COMIC  RECITATIONS. 

And  he  didn  't  say  another  word  until  h«  good- 
nighted  at  the  gate. 


ME  AND  MY  DOG. 

From  Harper's  Weekly. 
My  mother  oft  said  to  me,  "Jamie  my  boy, 
There's  naebody  better  than  Lizzie  McCoy; 
She  thrifty  and  thoughtful,  affectionate,  gay; 
She  has  land  of  her  ain,    and    she's    gold  put 

away. ' ' 
And  still  I  made  answer,  "Let  that  notion  pass 
I  could  never  marry  sae  hamely  a  lass." 

But  one  summer  night  as  I   went   through   the 

wheat, 
Wi'  Pepper,  my  collie  dog,  close  at  my  feet 
(For  seldom  without  him  I  care  for  a  step, 
And  there's  few  folks  I  like  as  I  like  little  Pep), 
I  met  Miss  McCoy  out  alane  for  a  walk. 
And  so  we  forgathered  and  fell  into  talk. 

And  then  I  told  of  her  Pep,  and  Pep's  clever 

ways ; 
And  she  listened  sae  fain  and  sae  pleased  to  his 

praise ; 
She  patte  his  head,  said  he  'd  beautiful  eyes, 
Syne  spoke  of  his  color,  his  gait,  and  size, 
Till  I  thought  to  mysel',  for  a  journey  through 

life, 
Sneh  a  sensible  girl  would  mak'  a  good  wife. 


SELECTED  READINGS.  25 

I  thought  for  a  week ;  then  Pepper  and  I 
Sauntered  round  by  McCoy's;  I  hardly  knew 

why, 
Till  I  saw  Lizzie  standing  sae  trig  and  sae  neat, 
And  she  spake  baith  to  Pep  and  his  master    sae 

sweet 
I  was  fain  to  stay  supper;  and   what   do   you 

think?— 
She  gave  to  my  dog  baith  a  bone  and  a  drink. 

After  that  we  went  regular,  Pepper  and  I, 

And  I'm  sure  that  the  clever    wee  collie  knew 

u-hy; 
He  would  lick  Lizzie's  hand,  and  look  up  in  my 

face. 
And  I  think  it  was  Pepper  that  won  me  my  case : 
For  once,  when  he  did  so,  I  found  heart  to  say 
The  words  that  made  Lizzie  my  ain  from  that 

day. 

Neighbors  talked,  and  they  wondered,  and  young 

Patty  Grace 
Flung  her  bright  golden  ringlets  a'maist  in  my 

face; 
Some  called  Lizzie  hamely,  some  said  she  was  old. 
And  some,  J  had  wed  her  for  siller  and  gold. 
But  Lizzie  and  I  have  been  a  happy  hearth-stone, 
And  Pepper  is  sure  of  his  mat  and  his  bone. 

Then,  la**es,  tak  tent,  if  your  lover  you'd  please, 
Be  kind  <o  his  dog,  and  you'll  win  him  with  ease; 
And,  k^s,  if  in  love,  and  the  lassie  you  find 
Jo  uui'J.  to  your  dog,  you  may  tell  her  your  mind, 


26  COMIC  RECITATIONS. 

But  still  just  remember,  what's  equally  true, 
If  she  likes  not  your  dog,  ten  to  one  she   likes 
you. 


DER  OAK  UND  DER  VINE. 

From  Harper's  Magazine. 
I  don'd  vas  preaching  voman's  righdts, 

Or  anyding  like  dot; 
Und  I  like  to  see  all  beoples 

Shust  gondented  mid  dheir  lot; 
Budt  I  vants  to  gontradict  dot  shap 

Dot  made  dis  leedle  shoke : 
"A  voman  vas  der  glinging  vine, 

Und  man  der  shturdy  oak. ' ' 
Berhaps,  somedimes,  dot  may  pe  drue; 

Budt,  den  dimes  oudt  of  nine, 
I  find  me  oudt  dot  man  himself 

Vas  peen  der  glinging  vine ; 
Und  vhen  hees  f  rendts  dhey  all  vas  gone, 

Und  he  vas  shust  "tead  proke," 
Dot's  vhen  der  voman  shteps  righdt  in, 

Und  peen  der  shturdy  oak. 
Shust  go  oup  to  der  pase-ball  groundts 

Und  see  dhose  ' '  shturdy  oaks, ' ' 
All  planted  roundt  ubon  der  seats— 

Shust  hear  dheir  laugs  und  shokes ! 
Dhen  see  dhose  vomens  at  der  tubs, 

Mit  glothes  oudt  on  der  lines ; 
Vhich  vas  der  shturdy  oaks,  mine  frendts, 

Und  vhich  der  glinging  vines? 


SELECTED  READINGS.  27 

Vhen  Sickness  in  der  householdt  comes, 

Und  veeks  und  veeks  he  shtays. 
Who  vas  id  fighdts  him  mitoudt  resdt, 

Dhose  veary  nighdts  und  days? 
Who  beace  und  gomfort  alvays  prings, 

Und  cools  dot  fefered  prow? 
More  like  id  vas  der  tender  vine 

Dot  oak  he  glings  to  now. 
"Man  vants  budt  leedle  here  pelow," 

Der  boet  von  time  said; 
"Dhere's  leedle  dot  man  he  don'd  vant," 

I  dink  id  means  inshted ; 
Und  vhen  der  years  keep  rolling  on, 

Dheir  cares  und  droubles  pringing, 
He  vants  to  pe  der  shturdy  oak, 

Und,  also,  do  der  glinging. 
Maype,  vhen  oaks  dhey  gling  some  more, 

Und  don'd  so  shturdy  peen, 
Der  glinging  vines  dhey  haf  some  chance 

To  helb  run  Life's  masheen. 
In  helt  und  sickness,  shoy  und  pain, 

In  calm  or  shtormy  veddher, 
'Tvas  beddher  dot  dhese  oaks  und  vines 

Should  alvays  gling  togedher. 

Chaelbs  Follen  Adams. 


A  SCIENTIFIC  PARTY. 

A  short  time  ago  a  delegation  of  eminently 
learned  and  scientific  men  from  one  of  the  East- 
ern colleges  went  out  to  the  Pacific  coast  to  ex- 


28  COMIC  RECITATIONS. 

amine  the  specimens  of  petrified  wood  abound- 
ing in  the  Sacremento  valley. 

An  old  hunter  and  trapper,  stjded  Coonskin 
Joe,  familiar  with  the  localities  in  which  the  fin- 
est specimens  were  to  be  found,  was  employed  as 
guide.  If  there  is  any  class  of  humanity  for 
whom  Joe  has  no  respect,  it  is  what  he  terms 
"the  tender- footed,  kid-glove,  city  chaps,"  and 
so,  after  leading  the  party  through  deserted 
gulches  and  over  unsteady  boulders  for  some 
hours,  and  hearing  little  but  long,  and  to  him 
meaningless  words,  he  became  thoroughly  dis- 
gusted, and  lost  no  opportunity  to  testify  his  con- 
tempt for  their  paroxysms  of  ecstasy  which 
burst  forth  every  time  they  found  what  they  re- 
garded as  a  valuable  contribution  to  their  cabi- 
nets of  natural  curiosities. 

At  length  one  of  the  scientists  stumbled  upon 
a  rare  specimen  which  threw  the  whole  party 
into  profound  amazement— petrified  them,  as  it 
were. 

To  the  insignificant  little  piece  of  petrified 
wood  no  bigger  than  a  man's  hand  they  gave  a 
name  a  foot  long,  and  wrapped  it  around  twice 
and  tucked  it  in  at  both  ends. 

Joe  who  labored  under  an  aggravating  imped- 
iment of  speech,  could  hold  in  no  longer.  Break- 
ing out  in  his  stuttering  way,  he  said : 

"W — w— why,  up  a  y — yonder  in  th— them  m 
— m — mountains  the — th — th— ar's  a — a— wh— 
w—w— whole  forest  of  t — t— t — trees,  an— an— 
and  every  o— o— one  of  th— them  is  p— p— p— p 
peetrified. ' ' 


SELECTED  READINGS.  29 

The  party  looked  surprised. 

"Y— y— yes,  an— and  th— thar's  a— a— a  — 
hunter  up  thar  a— a— a— shootin  gan  eagle,  and 
that  h — h— hunter  is  p — p— p— p— peetrified." 

One  of  the  party  ventured  to  suggest  that  Joe 
was  laboring  under  an  erroneous  impression  re- 
garding the  nature  of  petrification. 

"N — n— no,  I'm  not  n — n— nother;  th— the 
smth — smth— smoke  f— from  t— that  hunter's 
gun  is  a— a — as  th— thick  up  th— thar  as  a— a — 
a  fog  0—0— on  a— a— a  June  morning,  a— and 
its  p—p—p—p— peetrified.  Y— y— yes,  a— and 
th— that  eagle's  as  still  up  tli— thar  with  his  w— 
w — w— wings  sp—sp— spread  ou— out  a — as  if 
he  had  gone  to— to— to — to  sleep  in  th— the  air, 
and  he's  p—p—p—p— peetrified." 

"Oh!  my  dear  fellow,"  said  another  of  the 
party,  "that  is  impossible.  Such  a  phenomenon 
is  contrary  to  the  laws  of  gravitation.  The  force 
of  gravity  acts  instantaneously,  and  when  a  bird 
or  any  object  is  no  longer  sustained  by  its  own  or 
some  other  power,  it  at  once  falls  to  the  earth." 

Joe  seemed  dazed  for  a  moment,  but  he  was 
not  to  be  switched  off  by  any  scientific  obstruc- 
tion. Gathering  himself  for  another  verbal 
struggle,  he  gasped : 

'*  W— w— w— wall,  th— that  m— m— may  be  s 
— so  u—u—un— under  or— ordinary  circum- 
stances, but  —but  gravitation  up  th— thar  is  p 
—p—p—p—pe— peetrified, " 

I.  H,  Brown. 


30  COMIC  RECITATIONS. 

THE  SMACK  IN  SCHOOL. 
A  district  school,  not  far  away, 
'Mid  Berkshire  hills,  one  winter's  day, 
Was  humming  with  its  wonted  noise 
Of  three-score  mingled  girls  and  boys. 
Some  few  upon  their  tasks  intent, 
But  more  on  furtive  mischief  bent. 
The  while  the  master's  downward  look 
Was  fastened   on  a  copy-book ; 
When  suddenly,  behind  his  back. 
Rose  sharp  and  clear  a  rousing  smack ! 
As  'twas  a  battery  of  bliss 
Let  off  in  one  tremendous  kiss ! 
"What's  that?"  the  startled  master  cries; 
''That,  thir,"  a  little  imp  replies, 
"Wath  William  Willith,  if  you  pleathe- 
I  thaw  him  kith  Thuthanna  Peathe ! '  ' 
With  frown  to  make  a  statue  thrill, 
The  master  thundered,  "Hither,  Will!" 
Like  wretch  o'ertaken  in  his  track, 
With  stolen  chattels  on  his  back, 
Will  hung  his  head  in  fear  and  shame. 
And  to  the  awful  presence  came— 
A  great,  green,  bashful  simpleton, 
The  butt  of  all  good  natured  fun. 
With  smile  suppressed,  and  birch  upraised, 
The  threatener  faltered— "I'm  amazed 
That  you  my  biggest  pupil,  should 
Be  guilty  of  .an  act  so  rude, 
Before  the  whole  set  school  to  boot— 
What  evil  genius  put  you  to't?" 
"  'Twas  she  herself,  sir,"  sobbed  the  lad, 
"I  did  not  mean  to  be  so  bad; 


SEI^CTED  READINGS.  31 

But  when  Susannah  shook  her  curls, 
And  whispered  I  Avas  'fraid  of    girls, 
And  dursn't  kiss  a  baby's  doll, 
I  couldn't  stand  it  sir,  at  all. 
But  up  and  kissed  her  on  the  spot ! 
I  know— boo-hoo— I  ought  to  not. 
But,  somehow,  from  her  looks-boo-hoo- 
I  thought  she  kind  o'  wished  me  tol 


VAS  BENDER  HENSPECKED? 
Von  Boyle. 
Any  shentleman  vot  ^r\\\  go  around  pehind 
vour  face  und  talk  in  front  of  your  back  about 
Lmettngs;  ^s  a  shvmdler.  I  heard  dot  Brown 
savs  veek  pefore  next  apout  me  I  vas  a  hen- 
shpecked  husband.  Dot  vas  a  lie!  De  proof 
of  the  eating  vas  m  de  puddings;  I  a-  marnef 
tventy  years  already,  until  I  vas  yet  not  paid 
headed."^  I  don't  vas  oonder  some  Pettygoats 
eoferments;  shtill  I  tinks  it  vas  petter  f  a  teller 
^llTiLlt  mit  his  vife  und  got  her  advises  apout 

^Dtm  im^tn'vomans  don't  know  sometings 
nefer  apout  his  huspand's  peesness,  und  vhen 
Sem  hart  times  comes,  und  not  so  niuch  money 
comes  in  de  house,  dot  makes  not  ««>^^;^^^J^^^[f 
mit  her.  Shtill  she  moost  have  vone  of  dot  puU- 
pack-in-de-front  hoop-skii-t-pettygoa  s  nut 
every  kind  trimmings.  Pooty  soon  dot  hus- 
pand  gets  pankerupted  all  to  pieces.  Dey  sends 
for  de  doctor;  und  ven  de  doctor  comes  de  man 


32  COMIC  RECITATIONS. 

dies.  Den  dot  vomans  vas  opliged  to  marry  mit 
anoder  mans  vot  she  don't  maype  like,  mit  four 
or  six  shildrens  on  account  of  his  first  wife  al- 
ready, und  possobly  vone  or  two  mudder-by  law 
vone  second-handed,  und  de  oder  a  shtep-mud- 
der-out-law.  Den  she  says  mit  herself,  "I  efen 
vish  dot  I  vas  dead  a  little." 

Now  if  a  Cherman  goes  dead,  dot  don't  make 
a  pit  of  tifferenee.  Nopody  vould  hardly  know 
it,  except  maybe  himself.  His  vife  goes  mit  de 
business  on,  shust  like  notings  has  happened  to 
somepody. 

American  vomans  and  Cherman  vomans  vas 
a  tifferent  kind  of  peobles.  For  inshtinct,  last 
year  dot  same  feller,  Mr.  Brown,  goes  mit  me  in 
der  putcher  peesnes  togeder.  He  vas  American 
man— so  vas  his  vife.  Veil,  many  times  ven 
efery  peobles  has  got  de  panic  pooty  bad,  dot  vo- 
mans comes  to  her  huspant  und  says  she  moost 
have  mone.  Den  she  goes  out  riding  mit  a  car- 
riages. 

Vonce  on  a  time.  Brown  says  to  me,  ''Bender, 
I  wouldn't  be  henshpecked. "  So  he  vent  off 
und  got  himself  tight— shust  pecause  his  vife 
tells  him,  blease  don't  do  dot.  Den  he  sits  down 
on  his  pack  mit  de  floer ;  und  if  I  am  not  dere 
dot  time  he  never  vould  got  home. 

Veil,  dot  night,  me  und  my  vife,  ve  had  a  lit- 
tle talk  apout  somedings ;  und  de  next  tay  I  says 
to  Brown,  "Look  here  vonst!  My  vife  she 
makes  sausages  und  vorks  in  dot  shtore ;  also  my 
dauther  she  vorks  py  de  shtore  und  makes  head- 
sheeses;  und  your  vife  vas  going  out  riding  all 


SELECTED  READINGS.  oo 

de  times  mit  de  horse-car,  und  a  patent-tiea-pack 
cardinal  shtriped  shtockings.  Now  your  vife 
moost  go  vork  in  de  shtore  und  cut  peefshteaks, 
und  make  sauer-kraut,  or  else  ve  divide  not 
equally  any  more  dot  profits. 

Veil,  Brown  goes  home  und  tells  his  vife  apout 
dot.  Den  she  comes  pooty  quick  mit  Brown 
around,  und  ve  had  a  misundershtanding  apout 
sometings,  in  vich  eferypody  took  a  part,  in- 
cluding my  leetle  dog  Kaiser.  Pooty  soon  up 
comes  a  policemans  und  arrests  us  for  breeches 
of  promis  to  keep  de  pieces,  und  assaulting  de 
battery,  or  sometings.  Den  the  firm  of  Bender 
&  Brown  vas  proke  up.  I  go  apout  my  peesness 
und  Brown  goes  mit  his  peesness.  My  vife  she 
helps  in  de  shtore.  His  \ife  goes  riding  mit  de 
horse-car,  und  efery  nights  she  vas  py  de  the- 
atre. 

Vats  de  gonsequences  ?  Along  comes  comes 
dot  Centennial  panic.  Dot  knocks  Bro^vn  more 
higher  as  two  kites,  py  Chimminy!  My  income 
vas  shtill  more  as  my  outcome.  But  Brown,  he 
goes  'round  dot  shtreet  mit  his  hands  out  of  his 
pockets,  und  he  don 't  got  a  cent  to  his  back. 


TASTE. 

Sittin'  around  the  stove  last  night, 

Down  at  Wess'  store,  was  me 
And  IMart  Strimplcs,  Tunk,  and  White, 
And  Doc  Bills  and  two  or  three 
Fellers  of  the  iMudsock  tribe 
No  use  tryin  to  describe, 


34  COMIC  RECITATIONS. 

And  says,  Doc,  he  says,  says  he : 
**Talkin'  'out  good  things  to  eat, 
Ripe  mushmillion's  hard  to  beat." 

I  chawed  on.     And  Mart  he  'low'd 
Watermillion  beat  the  mush, 
"Red,"  he  says,  "and  juicy— hush! 

I'll  just  leave  it  to  the  crowd." 

Then  a  Mudsock  chap,  says  he : 
"Punkin's  good  enough  for  me — 
Punkin  pies,  I  mean,"  he  says. 

"Them  beat  'millions.     What  says  Wess?" 

I  chawed  on.  And  Wess  says,  "Well, 
You  just  fetch  that  wife  of  mine 
All  your  watermillion  rine. 

And  she'll  boil  it  down  a  spell — 
In  with  sorghum,  I  suppose— 
And  what  else  Lord  only  knows! 
But  I'm  here  to  tell  all  hands, 

Them  p 'serves  meet  my  demands." 

I  chawed  on.     And  White  he  says, 

"Well,  I'll  jes'  stand  in  with  Wess— 
I  'm  no  hog ! ' '  and  Tunk  says,  ' '  I 

Guess  I'll  pastur'  out  on  pie 

With  the  ]\Iursock  boys ! ' '  says  he ; 
"Now  w^hat's  yourn?"  he  says  to  me, 

1  chawed  on— fer— quite  a  spell. 
Then  I  speaks  slow  and  dry, 
"Jes'  tobacker!"  I  says  I, 

And  you  orto  heard  'm  yell ! 

J.  Whitcomb  Riley. 


SELECTED  KEADIXr-S.  35 

PETER  SORGHUM  IN  LOVE. 

Alf.  Burnett. 

One  day  Sail  fooled  me ;  she  heated  the  poker 
awful  hot,  then  asked  me  to  stir  the  fire.  I 
seized  hold  of  it  mighty  quick  to  oblige  her,  and 
dropped  it  quicker  to  oblige  myself.  Well, 
after  the  poker  scrape,  me  and  Sail  only  got  on 
middlin'  well  for  some  time,  till  I  made  up  my 
mind  to  pop  the  question,  for  I  loved  her  hard- 
er every  day,  and  I  had  an  idee  she  loved  me  or 
had  a  sneaking  kindness  for  me.  But  how  to  do 
the  thing  up  nice  and  rite  pestered  me  orful.  I 
bought  some  love  books,  and  read  how  the  fel- 
lers git  down  outer  their  knees  and  talk  like 
poets,  and  how  the  girls  would  gently-lnce  fall 
in  love  with  them.  Butsomehow  or  other  that 
way  didn't  kinder  suit  my  notion.  I  asked 
mam  how  she  and  dad  courted,  but  she  said  it 
had  been  so  long  she  had  forgotten  all  about  it. 
Uncle  Joe  said  mam  did  all  the  courting. 

At  last  I  made  up  my  mind  to  go  it  blind,  for 
this  thing  was  fairly  consumin'  my  mind;  so  I 
goes  over  to  her  dad's,  and  when  I  got  there  I 
sot  like  a  fool,  thinkin'  how  to  begin.  Sail  seed 
somethin'  was  troublin'  me,  so  she  said,  says  she, 
"Ain't  you  sick,  Peter?"  She  said  this  mighty 
soft-like.  "Yes!  No!"  sez  I;  "that  is,  I  ain't 
zackly  well;  I  thought  I'd  come  over  to-night," 
sez  I.  I  tho't  that  was  a  mighty  purty  begin- 
nin':  so  I  tried  agin.,  "Sail,"  sez  I— and  by  this 
time  I  felt  kinder  faintly  about  the  stommuck, 
and  shakily  about    the    knees— " Sail,"    sez    I. 


36  COMIC  RECITATIONS. 

''Whatf'sez  sheJ'Sall,"  sez  I  again.  ''Whatr' 
sez  she.  I'll  get  to  it  arter  a  while  at  this  rate, 
thinks  I.  ' '  Peter, ' '  says  she,  ' '  there 's  somethin ' 
troublin'  you;  'tis  mighty  wrong  for  you  to 
keep  it  from  a  body,  for  an  inward  sorrer  is 
consumin'  fire."  She  said  this,  she  did,  the  sly 
critter.  She  knowed  what  was  the  matter  all  the 
time  mighty  well,  and  was  only  tryin'  to  fish  it 
out,  but  I  was  so  far  gone  I  couldn't  see  the 
point.  At  last  I  sorter  gulped  down  the  big 
lump  a-risin'  in  my  throat,  and  says  I,  sez  I, 
' '  Sail,  do  you  love  anybody  ? "  "  Well, ' '  sez  she, 
"there's  dad  and  mam,"  and  a  countin  of  her 
fingers  all  the  time,  with  her  eyes  sorter  shet 
like  a  feller  shootin'  off  a  gun,  "and  there's  old 
Pide  (that  were  their  old  cow,)  and  I  can't 
think  of  anybody  else  just  now, "  says  she.  Now, 
this  was  6rf ul  for  a  feller  dead  in  love ;  so  arter 
a  while  I  tried  another  shute.  Sez  I,  "Sail," 
sez  I,  "I'm  powerful  lonesome  at  home,  and 
sometimes  think  if  I  only  had  a  nice  pretty  wife, 
to  love  and  talk  to,  move,  and  have  my  bein' 
with,  I'd  be  a  tremendous  feller."  Sez  I,  "Sail, 
do  you  know  any  gal  would  keer  for  me  ? "  With 
that  she  begins,  and  names  over  all  the  gals  for 
five  miles  around,  and  never  once  comes  nigh 
naming  herself,  and  sed  I  orter  git  one  of  them. 
This  sorter  got  my  dander  up,  so  I  hitched  my 
cheer  up  close  to  her,  and  shet  my  eyes  and  sed, 
"Sall,  you  are  the  very  girl  I've  been  hanker- 
ing arter  for  a  long  time.  I  luv  you  all  over, 
from  the  sole  of  your  head  to  the  crown  of  your 
foot,  and  I  don't  care  who  nos  it,  and  if  you  say 


SELECTED  READINGS. 


37 


so  we'll  be  jined  together  in  the  holy  bonds  of 
hemlock,    Epluribusunum,  world  without  end, 
amen!"    sez    I.;    and    then   I    felt    like    I'd 
throwed  up  an  alligator,  I  felt  so  relieved.  With 
that  she  fetched  a  sorter  scream,  and  arter  a 
while  sez,  sez  she,  "Peter!"    "What,  Sally?" 
sez  I.     "Yes!"  sez  she,  a  hidin'  of  her  face 
behind  her  hands.    You  bet  a  heap  I  felt  good. 
"Glory!  glory!"  sez  I,  "I  must  holler,  Sail,  or  I 
shall  bust.     Hoorah  for  hoor^ah!     I  can  jump 
over  a  ten-rail  fence!"     With  that  I  sot  rite 
down  by  her  and  clinched  the  bargain  with  a 
kiss.     Talk   about   your   blackberry   jam;    talk 
about  your  sugar  and  merlasses;  you  wouldn't 
a  got  me  nigh  'em— they  would  all  a  been  sour 
arter  that.     Oh !  these  gals !  how  good  and  bad, 
how  high  and  low  they  do  make  a  feller  feel !    If 
Sail's  daddy  hadn't  sung  out    'twas    time    all 
honest  folks  was  abed,  I'd  a  sot  there  two  hours 
longer.    You  oughter  have  seen  rae  when  I  got 
home!     I  pulled  dad  out  of  bed  and  hugged 
him!     I  pulled  mam  out   of  bed  and  hugged 
her !    I  pulled  Aunt  Jane  out  of  bed  and  hugged 
her.     I   larfed   and    hollered,    crowed    like    a 
rooster,  danced  around  there  and  cut  up  more 
capers  than    you    ever  heard  tell  on  till  dad 
thought  I  was  erazy,  and  got  a  rope  to  tie  me 
with.    "Dad''  sez  I,  "/'m  goin'  to  he  married! 
' '  Married ! ' '  bawled  dad.    ' '  Married ! ' '  squalled 
mam.    "Married!"  screamed  Aunt  Jane.  "Yes, 
married,"  sez  I;  "married  all  over,  married  for 
sure,  married  like  a  flash— joined  in  wedlock, 
hooked  on  for  life,  for  worser  or  for  bottor,  for 


38  COMIC  RECITATIONS. 

life  and  for  death— to  Sall/     I  am  that  very 
thing— me!     Peter  Sorgliura,  Esqutre!'' 

With  that  I  up  and  tells  'era  all  about  it,  from 
Alfer  to  Ermeger!  They  were  all  mighty  well 
pleased,  and  I  Avent  to  bed  as  proud  as  any 
young  rooster  with  his  first  spurs. 


THE  IRISHMAN'S  PANORAMA. 

Jas.  Burdette. 
Irish  dialect :    Conversational  tones. 

Ladies  and  Gintlemins  In  the  foreground 
over  there  yez'll  observe  Vinegar  Hill,  an' 
should  yer  be  goin'  by  that  way  some  day  yer 
moight  be  fatigued,  an'  if  ye  are  yer' 11  foind  at 
fut  of  the  hill  a  nate  little  cot  kept  by  a  man 
named  McCarty,  who,  by  the  way,  is  as  ferine  a 
lad  as  you'll  mate  in  a  day's  march.  I  see  by 
the  hasp  on  the  door  that  McCarty  is  out,  or 
I'd  take  yez  in  an'  introduce  yez.  A  foine, 
ginerous,  noble  feller  is  this  McCarty.  Shure 
an'  if  he  had  but  the  wan  peratie  he'd  give  yes 
the  half  of  that,  and  phat's  more,  he'd  thank  ye 
for  taking  it.  (James,  move  the  crank!  Larry, 
music  on  the  bag-pipes!) 

Ladies  and  Gintlemin :  We  've  now  arrived  at 
a  beautiful  spot,  situated  about  twenty  miles 
this  side  of  Limerick.  To  the  left  over  there 
a  lady  and  gintlemin:  well,  as  I  was  goin'  that 
way  wan  day,  I  heard  the  following  conversa- 
tion betwixt  him  and  her.     Says  she  to  him: 


SELECTED  READINGS.  39 

"James,  it's  a  shame  for  yerto  be  tratin'  me 
SO;  d'ye  moind  the  time  yer  used  to  come  to  me 
father's  castle  a-beggin'?"  "Yez  fatlier's  castle 
—me?  AVell,  thin!  ye  could  shtand  on  the  out- 
side of  yer  father's  castle,  an'  stick  yer  arm 
down  the  chimney  an'  pick  praties  out  of  the 
pot,  an'  niver  a  partition  betwixt  you  and  the 
pigs  but  straw."     (Move  the  crank,  etc.) 

Ladies  and  Gintlemin:  AVe  have  now  ar- 
rived at  the  beautiful  an'  classical  lakes  of  Kil- 
larney.  There's  a  curious  legend  connected  wid 
dese  lakes  that  I  must  relate  to  you.  It  is,  that 
every  evenin'  at  four  o'clock  in  the  afternoon  a 
beautiful  swan  is  seen  to  make  its  appearance, 
an'  while  movin'  transcendentally  an'  glidelessly 
along,  ducks  its  head,  skips  under  the  water, 
an'  you'll  not  see  him  till  the  next  afternoon. 
(Turn  the  crank,  etc.) 

Ladies  and  Gintlemin :  We  have  now  arrived 
at  another  beautiful  spot,  situated  about  thir- 
teen and  a  half  miles  this  side  of  Cork.  This 
is  a  great  place,  noted  for  sportsmin.  Wanst, 
while  sthoppin'  over  there  at  the  hotel  de  Fin- 
ney, the  following  tilt  of  a  conversation  occurred 
betwixt  ]\Ir.  Muldooney,  the  waiter  and  me- 
silf.  I  says  to  him,  says  I,  ''MuUy,  old  by,  will 
you  have  the  kindness  to  fetch  me  the  mus- 
tard?" and  he  was  a  long  time  bringin'  it,  so  I 
opportuned  him  for  kapin'  me.  An'  says  he  to 
me,  says  he,  "Mr.  ]McCune"  (that's  me),  "I 
notice  that  you  take  a  grate  deal  of  mustard  wid 
your  mate."  "I  do,"  says  L  Says  he,  "I  notice 
you  take  a  blame  sight  of  mate  wid  your  mus- 


40  COMIC  RECITATIONS. 

tard."     (Move  the  crank!  Larry,  "Finnigan's 
Wake.") 

Ladies  and  Gintlemin:  We  now  skip  acrost 
the  broad  Atlantic  to  a  wonderful  sphot  in 
America,  situated  a  few  miles  from  Chinchin- 
natti,  called  the  Falls  of  Niagara.  While  lin- 
gerin'  here  wan  day,  I  saw  a  young  couple,  evi- 
dently very  sweet  on  aich  other.  Av  coorse 
I  tuk  no  notice  of  phat  they  were  sayin',  but  I 
couldn't  help  listenin'  to  the  following  extraor- 
dinary conversation.  Says  he  to  her:  "Isn't 
it  wonderful  to  see  that  tremendous  amount  of 
water  comin'  down  over  that  terrible  preci- 
pice." "Yes  darlin,"  says  she,  "but  wouldn't 
it  be  far  more  wonderful  to  see  the  same  tre- 
mendous body  of  water  a-goin'  up  the  same 
precipice?"   (Music  on  the  pipes.) 


FRITZ'S  COURTSHIP. 


Yaw!  yust  I  vas  one  happy  mans, 

I  laugh  mineself  to  pits ; 
Mine  vife,  she  vants  ve  call  him  Hans, 

I  dinks  ve  call  him  Fritz. 
Dot  vas  our  papy ! 
F-r-i-t-z  dot  vas  speldt; 

Dot  vas  mine  name  you  see ; 
Ven  I  vas  younk,  undt  got  no  geldt, 

Hans  don'dt  got  love  vor  me. 
Dot  vos  mine  vater-in-law ! 


SELECTED  READINGS.  41 

Von  tay  I  go  to  loogk  apoudt, 

To  hundt  me  vor  a  blace ; 
I  meedt  one  vraulein  valkin  oudt 

Dot  haf  a  bretty  vace. 
Dot  vas  Katarina ! 
I  stob  mit  her  to  dalk  a  pit, 

She  loogk  at  me— dis  vay; 
I  vas  hire  oudt  her  vater  mit 

To  help  him  make  der  hay. 
Dot  vas  peesness! 

Katarina  she    vos  vork  mit  me, 
She  sbread  de  hay  I  cudt, 

Undt  ven  I  stob  to  loogk  at  she, 
Her  sheeks  got  redt  like  bludt. 
Dot  vos  paslivulness ! 

Ve  valk  oudt  ven  de  moon  vas  shine; 
Ve  see  dose  stars  apove; 

I  dakes  her  leedle  handt  in  mine- 
She  loogks  mit  me  vit  lofe 
Dot  vas  vlirtations ! 

I  holdts  her  vaist,  I  don'dt  can  speak, 

She  loogks  right  in  mine  vace, 
Und  pudt  her  headt  yust  on  mine  cheek— 

Katarina  like  dot  blace. 
Dot-vas  nice! 
Ven,  ach !  somebody  come  aroundt 

who  don'dt  vos  dere  ve  know 
Dot  dakes  Katarina  py  de  gowndt 

Undt  jake  her  up— jnist  so. 

Dot  vas  mine  mutter-in-law. 


42  COMIC  RECITATIONS. 

Den  Hans  he  come,  Katariua's  dadt, 

Undt  yust  he  loogk  at  me ; 
Mine  Gott  in  Himmel !  he  vas  madt 

As  I  vas  nefer  see. 
Dot  vas  hoffle ! 
He  say:  "Katarina,  go  to  pedt;" 

He  schlap  his  handt  mine  ear; 
Ach !  I  yust  standt  him  on  his  headt. 

Uudt  den  I  vas  come  here. 
Dot  vos  sensibleness. 

A  leedle  paker  shop  I  puy. 

Vor  I  vas  come  to  sday, 
Katarina  write  dot  she  vas  die; 

Vor  dot  I  gone  avay. 

Dot  vas  mit  sorrowvulness ! 
I  sendt  her  geldt,  undt  she  vas  come 

Right  off  avay  mit  joy, 
Undt  now  ve  got  a  splendidt  home — 

Ve  haf  a  paby  boy. 

Dot  vas  happiness!       E.  J.  Hall. 


THE  EMANCIPATION  OF  MAN. 
Robert  J.  Burdett. 
She  looked  just  hke  that  kind  of  a  woman 
when  she  came  into  the  sanctum,  and  all  the 
seniors  became  instinctively  very  busy  and  so 
absorbed  in  their  work  that  they  did  not  see  her, 
which  left  the  youngest  man  on  the  staff  an  easj 
prey,  for  he  looked  at  the  visitor  with  a  littV 


SELECTED  READINGS.  43 

natural  politeness,  and  was  even  soft  enough  to 
offer  her  a  chair. 

"You  are  the  editor,"  she  said,  in  a  deep,  bass 
voice. 

He  tried  to  say  "Yes,"  so  that  she  could  hear 
him,  while  his  colleagues  in  the  sanctum 
couldn't;  but  it  was  a  failure,  for  the  woman 
gave  him  dead  away  in  a  minute. 

"You  are!"  she  shouted,  "then  listen  to  me; 
look  at  me ;  what  am  I  ? " 

The  foolish  youngest  man  looked  at  her  tim- 
idly and  ventured  to  say,  in  a  feeble  voice,  that 
she  "looked  to  be  about  forty-seven—" 

"Am  I  not  a  Avoman?"  she  said. 

The  youngest  young  man  meekly  tried  to  cor- 
rect his  former  error,  and  said  she  seemed  more 
like  a  girl  — 

But  again  she  broke  in  on  him  with  a  scornful 
hiss: 

* ' Gir-r-r-l ! '  she  said ;  "I  am  a  woman !  A 
woman  with  all  the  heaven-born  aspirations,  the 
fathomless  feelings,  the  aggressive  courage  and 
the  indomitable  will  of  a  woman.  What  can 
you  see  on  my  face  ? ' ' 

The  position  of  the  youngest  man  on  the  staff 
was  pitiable,  but  none  of  the  old  heads  appeared 
to  observe  it.  At  least  they  didn't  offer  to  help 
him  out.  So  he  looked  at  her  face  for  a  second 
and  said,  timidlv : 

"Freckl-"  ' 

"Nurseling!"  she  shrieked;  "bad  you  the 
soleful  eyes  of  a  free  man  you  could  sec  shin- 


44  COMIC  RECITATIONS. 

ing  on  my  brow  the  rising  light  of  a  brighter 
day." 

"Could  I?"  asked  the  youngest  man,  timidly. 

"Yes,  you  could  I!"  the  woman  said  in  tones 
of  immeasurable  scorn.  "Now  hear  me,  have 
you  a— but  I  cannot  bring  myseiL  to  u^e  tliat 
hateful  expression  in  the  styie  of  masculine  pos- 
session; are  you  anybody's  husband?'' 

The  youngest  man  blushed  bitterly,  and  said 
he  wasn't  as  yet,  but  he  had  some  hopes— 

"And  you  expect  your— that  is,  yoa  expect 
the  woman  whose  husband  you  will  be,  to  sup- 
port you?" 

The  youngest  man  blushed  more  keenly  than 
before  and  tremblingly  admitted  that  he  had 
some  expectations— that— that— the  only  daugh- 
ter of  his  proposed  father-in-law,  if  he  might 
put  it  in  that  way— 

"Yah,"  snarled  the  woman;  "now  let  me  tell 
you  the  day  of  woman's  emancipation  is  at  hand- 
From  this  time  we  are  free  for— ree !  You  musl 
look  for  other  slaves  to  bend  and  cringe  before 
your  majesties,  and  wait  upon  you  like  slaves. 
You  will  feel  the  change  in  your  affairs  since  we 
have  burst  our  chains,  and  how  will  you  live 
without  the  aid  of  women?  Who  makes  your 
shirts  now?"  she  added  fiercly. 

The  youngest  man  miserably  said  a  tailor  on 
Jefferson  street  made  his. 

"Hm,"  said  the  woman  somewhat  disconcert- 
ed. "Well,  who  washes  'em,  then?"  she  added 
triumphantly. 

"A  Chinaman,  just  west  of  Fifth  street,"  the 


SELECTED  READINGS.  45 

youngest  man  said,  %^'ith  a  hopeful  light  in  his 
eyes. 

The  woman  glared  at  him  and  groaned  under 
her  breath,  but  she  came  at  him  again  with : 

"Proud  worm,  who  cooks  your  victuals?" 

The  youngest  man  said  truly  that  he  didn't 
know  the  name  of  the  cook  at  his  restaurant,  but 
he  was  a  man  about  forty  years  old,  and  as 
round  as  a  barrel,  wnth  whiskers  like  the  stuffing 
of  a  sofa. 

The  woman  looked  as  though  she  was  going  to 
strike  him.  "Well,"  she  said,  as  one  who  was 
leading  a  forlorn  hope,  ' '  who  makes  up  your  bed 
and  takes  care  of  your  room?" 

The  yovingest  man  replied  -wdth  an  air  of  truth 
and  frankness  that  he  roomed  with  a  railroad 
conductor,  and  an  ex-Pullman  sleeping  car  port- 
er took  care  of  their  room. 

She  paused  when  she  reached  the  door,  and 
turned  upon  him  with  the  face  of  a  drowning 
man  who  is  only  five  feet  away  from  a  life  buoy. 

"Miserable  dependent,"  she  cried,  "who  sews 
on  your  buttons?" 

The  youngest  man  on  the  staff  rose  to  his  feet 
with  a  proud,  happy  look  on  his  face. 

"Haven't  sewed  a  button  on  a  single  clothes," 
he  cried  triumphantly,  "patents,  every  one  of 
'em,  fastened  on  like  cooper  rivets  and  nothing 
but  studs  and  collar-buttons  on  my  shirts. 
Haven't  had  a  button  sewed  on  for  three  years. 
Patent  buttons  last  for  years  after  the  garments 
have  gone  to  decay." 

And  the  woman  fled  down  the  win  J  in  g  passage 


46  COMIC  RECITATIONS. 

and  the  labyrintliine  stairs  with  a  hollow  groan 
while  the  other  members  of  the  staff,  bieakiuc 
through  their  heroic  reserve,  elusterevl  around 
'the  youngest  man  and  congratulated  him  upon 
the  emancipation  of  his  sex. 


TRIALS  OF  A  TWIN. 


In  form  and  feature,  face  and  limb, 

I  grew  so  like  my  brother. 
That  folks  got  taking  me  for  him. 

And  each  for  one  another. 
It  puzzled  all  our  kith  and  kin. 

It  reached  a  fearful  pitch; 
For  one  of  us  was  born  a  twin, 

And  not  a  soul  knew  which. 

One  day,  to  make  the  matter  worse. 

Before  our  names  were  fixed, 
As  we  were  being  washed  by  nurse. 

We  got  completely  mixed; 
And  thus,  you  see,  by  fate's  decree. 

Or  rather  nurse's  whim. 
My  brother  John  got  christened  me, 

And  I  got  christened  him. 

This  fatal  likeness  ever  dogged 
My  footsteps  when  at  school, 

And  I  was  always  getting  flogged. 
When  John  turned  out  a  fool. 

I  put  this  question,  fruitlessly. 


SELECTED  READINGS.  47 

To  e"very  one  I  knew, 
"What  would  you  do,  if  you  were  me, 
To  prove  tliat  you  were  you?" 

Our  close  resemblance  turned  the  tide 

Of  my  domestic  life, 
For  somehow,  my  intended  bride 

Became  my  brother's  wife. 
In  fact,  year  after  year  the  same 

Absurd  mistakes  went  on, 
And  tvhen  I  died,  the  neighbors  came 

And  huried  hrotlier  JoJin. 


DE  REV.  PLATO  JOHNSON  ON  FREE  SIR- 
KELATIN'  LIBERIES. 
From  the  Independent." 
*  *  *  "'Third,  an'  lass,  de  cirkelatin' 
libery  muss  be  kep'  open  on  Sundays,  or  it  ain't 
no  good.  Dere  ain't  no  use  in  openin'  a  libery 
for  de  pore  wen  nobody  can  cum  to  it,  an'  shot- 
tin'  it  tight  when  ebberybody  wants  ter  go  in. 
Dat  is  a  solemn  fac'.  Sum  folks  is  werry  sensi- 
tive on  dis  pint;  but  there  ain't  no  sense  in  bein' 
so  pertikler  'bout  little  tings  dat  you  forgit  all 
'bout  de  ]jig  tings;  no  use  in  killin'  a  muskeeter 
an'  lettin'  a  roarin'  lion  go  roun'  loose.  De 
objec'  ob  'ligion  is  to  save  souls;  and  of  you  is  in 
dead  'arnest  'bout  dat  work,  you  won't  stop  to 
ask  wat  day  ob  the  week  it  is.  De  debbil  don' 
shet  up  his  shop  cos  its  Sunday,  'cos  dat  is  his 


48  COMIC  RECITATIONS. 

big  day;  an'  you  'ligious  people,  you  jest  mind 
dat  you  don'  help  him  to  make  it  a  big  day  by 
bein'  too  narrer.  Lots  ob  good  people  help  de 
debbil  widout  knowin'  it.  Dat  is  anodder  sol- 
ium fac'.  My  'pinion  is  dat  ef  you  opens  dat 
libery  on  de  Sunday,  an'  invites  all  de  poor  to 
cum  in  an'  git  a  book  so  interestin'  dat  dey 
Avon't  want  ter  go  out  an'  git  a  drink,  de  fuss 
pusson  dat  will  make  a  row  'bout  it  an'  say 
'tain't  rite  will  be  de  ole  gen'leman  hisself  wat 
lives  below.  Cos  wy?  Cos  he  'pends  on  two 
tings  to  increase  de  tide  ob  immigration  into  his 
settlement— namely,  fust,  de  'pravity  ob  human 
natur',  an'  next,  de  bigotry  ob  de  good  man,  who 
is  so  'termined  to  walk  zacly  straight  dat  he 
sumtimes  bends  backwards  in  tryin'  to  do  it.  De 
man  wat  libs  on  de  avenue  has  a  free  libery  ob 
his  own,  only  it  don't  cirkelate.  On  Sunday 
afternoon  when  he  don't  know  wat  ter  do  v/id 
hisself— dat  is  mose  ebbery  Sunday  afternoon- 
he  jess  takes  down  a  book  an'  he  don'  fell  dat  de 
Lord  will  lay  it  up  agin'  him.  Ef  it  warn't  fer 
dat  book,  de  rich  man  would  order  out  his  bosses 
an'  hev  a  canter  on  the  bullyvard.  He  hez  been 
so  busy  dat  he  jes  go  crazy  ef  he  don '  hev  sumfin 
ter  do.  Well,  now,  de  poor  man  hez  jes  ez  good 
a  rite  ter  go  crazy,  'nless  yer  giv  him  sumfin  ter 
do,  ez  der  rich  man.  'Tain't  rite  fer  de  good 
people  ob  dis  city  to  wink  at  the  rich  man,  who 
hez  a  libery  ob  his  own,  an'  den  scowl  at  de  poor 
man  cos  he  wants  a  cirkelatin'  libery.  De  only 
difference  is  dat  in  de  one  case  de  deed  am  done 
on  de  sly,  an'  in  de  odder  it's  got  to  be  done  on 


SELECTED  READINGS.  4:9 


de  open  an'  'bove  board.  I  says,  derfore,  an  fer 
de  reasons  'fore-mentioned,  by  all  means  let  us 
rich  men,  wat  has  steady  incums,  bild  dose  liber- 
ies an'  den  swing  de  doors  wide  open,  an  hev 
a  doormat  wid  de  word  'Welcum'  onto  it,  Sun- 
days an'  all,  an'  den  'ligion  will  go  'bout  dom 
good  Wen  de  church  begins  to  do  good  ez  well 
ez  preach  good,  de  hot  gates  ob  de  fiery  pit  will 
hev  a  tendency  to  shut,  an'  Satan  will  git  down- 
spirited  an'  mose  wish  he  nebber  was  born. 


THE  RIVAL  DRIBOIERS. 


It  was  two  rival  drummers 

The  merits  that  did  blow 
Of  safes  were  in  St.  Louis  made 

And  safes  from  Chicago. 

They  chanced  upon  a  merchant 

Who  fain  a  safe  would  buy. 
And  in  the  praise  of  the  houses"  wares 

The  drummers  twain  did  vie, 
Each  striving  to  see  which  could  construct 

The  most  colossal  lie. 

Out  spake  the  St.  Louis  drummer, 

' '  Once  a  man  a  cat  did  take. 
And  locked  the  animal  in  a  safe 

Of  our  superior  make. 

"They  made  a  iKnifirc  I'ound  the  safe 
With  tar  and  kerosene, 


50  COMIC  RECITATIONS. 

And  for  four-and-twenty  hours  it  blazed 
With  raging  heat,  I  ween. 

"The  fire  went  out,  the  safe  was  cooled 

And  I  will  forfeit  five 
Hundred  good  dollars  if  that  cat 

Did  not  come  out  alive." 

Then  mild  upspake  an  answered  him 

The  Chicago  safe-agent: 
"With  our  safe  one  day  we  did  assay 

The  same  experiment. 

"We  placed  the  safe  selected  on 

Of  coals  a  fiery  bed. 
And  pitch  pine  we  heaped  in  coal  oil  steeped 

Till  the  iron  glowed  bright  red; 
And  in  forty-eight  hours  we  ope'd  the  safe, 

And,  alas !  the  cat  was  dead ! ' ' 

"Was  dead?    Aha!"  his  rival  cried, 

With  a  triumphant  breath; 
But  the  Chicago  man  replied: 

"Yes;  the  cat  was  frozen  to  death!" 

No  word  that  St.  Louis  drummer  spoke, 

But  silent  he  stood  and  wan. 
While  the  Kansas  merchant  an  order  gave 

To  the  Chicago  man. 


SELECTED  READINGS.  51 

THE   ARKANSAS   TRAVELLER. 

From  the  " Arlcansas  Traveller." 

*'I  do  not  see  any  peculiarity  about  your 
people,"  said  an  Eastern  judge,  addressing  his 
travelling  companion,  a  well-known  Arkansas 
lawyer.  "I  have  travelled  quite  extensively  in 
this  state,  and  I  have  not,  as  yet,  found  that 
eccentricity  of  action  and  prevarication  of  reply 
that  has  often  amused  me  in  the  newspapers.'' 

"You  have  done  most  of  your  travelling  by 
rail,"  the  lawyer  replied,  "This  is  your  first 
trip  aAvay  from  the  main  road,  is  '.t  not  ? " 

"Yes." 

"Well,  I'll  show  you  some  of  our  genuine 
natives.  Yonder  is  a  house.  Call  the  landlord, 
and  converse  with  him." 

"Hallo!"  called  the  Judge. 

"CominM"  the  man  replied,  depositing  a 
child  in  the  doorway,  and  advancing. 

"How's  all  the  folks?" 

"Children's  hearty;  wife's  not  Avell.  Ain't 
what  you  might  call  bed-sick,  but  jest  sorter 
stretchy. ' ' 

"Got  anything  to  eat  in  the  house?" 

"Ef  I  had  it  anywhere,  I'd  have  it  in  ths 
house." 

"How  many  children  have  you?" 

"Many  as  I  want." 

"How  many  did  you  want?" 

"Wa'nt  hankerin'  arter  a  powerful  chancB; 
but  I'm  satisfic'l  " 

"How  lf)n<r  have  vou  Ik'cii  living  here?" 


52  COMIC  RECITATIONS. 

"Too  long." 

"How  many  years?" 

"Been  here  ever  since  my  oldest  boy  was 
born. ' ' 

' '  What  year  was  he  born  ? ' ' 

"The  year  I  come  here." 

"How  old  is  your  boy?" 

"Ef  he  had  lived,  he  would  have  been  the 
oldest  until  yit;  but,  as  he  died,  Jim's  the  old- 
est." 

"How  old  is  Jim?" 

"He  ain't  as  old  as  the  one  what  died." 

"Well,  how  old  was  the  one  that  died. 

"He  was  older  than  Jim." 

* '  What  do  you  do  here  for  a  living  ? ' ' 

"Eat." 

"How  do  you  get  anything  to  eat?" 

"The  best  way  we  kin." 

"How  do  you  spend  your  Sundays!" 

"Like  the  week  days." 

"How  do  you  spend  them?" 

"Like  Sundays." 

"Is  that  your  daughter,  yonder?" 

"No,  sir;  she  ain't  my  daughter  yonder,  not 
nowhar  else." 

' '  Is  she  a  relative  of  yours  ? ' ' 

"No,  sir;  no  kin." 

"Kin  to  your  wife,  I  suppose." 

* '  No  kin  to  my  wife,  but  she 's  kin  to  my  chil- 
dren. ' ' 

"How  do  you  make  that  out?" 

"She's  my  wife." 

"How  far  is  it  to  the  next  house?" 


SELECTED  READINGS.  53 

"It's  called  three  miles,  but  the  man  what 
calls  it  that  is  a  liar." 

' '  I  've  got  enough, ' '  said  the  Judge,  turning  to 
the  lawyer.  "Drive  on.  I  pity  the  man  who 
depends  on  this  man  for  information." 


IN  ANSWER. 


By  Rose  Hart  wick  Thorpe. 
"Madam,  we  miss  the  train  at  B — ." 

"But  can't  you  make  it,  sir?"  she  gasped. 
*  'Impossible ;  it  leaves  at  three. 

And  we  are  due  a  quarter  past." 
"Is  there  no  way?    Oh,  tell  me  then, 

Are  you  a  Christian?"    "I  am  not." 
"And  are  there  none  among  the  men 

Who  run  the  train?"    "No— I  forgot— 
I  tiiink  this  fellow  over  here. 

Oiling  the  engine,  claims  to  be." 
She  threw  upon  the  engineer 

A  fair  face  white  with  agony. 

"Are  you  a  Christian?"    "Yes,  I  am." 

"Then,  0  sir,  won't  you  pray  with  me, 
All  the  long  way  that  vjod  will  stay, 

That  God  wilf  hold  the  train  at  B— ?" 
"  'Twill  do  no  good,  it's  due  at  three 

And"— "Yes,  but  G"4  cmh  hold  the  train; 
My  dying  child  is  calling  me. 

And  I  must  see  her  face  again. 
Ob,  won't  you  pray?"    "I  will,"  a  nod 


54  COMIC    RECITATIONS. 

Emphatic,  as  he  takes  his  place. 
When  Christians  grasp  the  arm  of  God 
They  grasp  the  power  that  rules  the  rod 

Out  from  the  station  swept  the  train, 

On  time,  swept  past  wood  and  lea; 
The  engineer,  with  cheeks  aflame, 

Prayed,  "0,  Lord,  hold  the  train  at  B— /* 
Then  flung  the  throttle  wide,  and  like 

Some  giant  monster  of  the  plain. 
With  panting  sides  and  mighty  strides, 

Past  hill  and  valley  swept  the  train. 

A  half,  a  minute,  two  are  gained ; 

Along  those  burnished  lines  of  steel, 
His  glances  leap,  each  nerve  is  strained. 

And  still  he  praj's  \^atli  fervent  zeal. 
Heart,  hand  and  brain,  with  one  accord, 

AVork  while  his  prayer  ascends  to  heaven. 
"Just  hold  the  train  eight  minutes,  Lord, 

And  I'll  make  up  the  other  seven." 

With  rush  and  roar  through  meadow  lands. 

Past  cottage  homes,  and  green  hillsides, 
The  panting  thing  obeys  his  hands. 

And  speeds  along  with  giant  strides. 

They  say  an  accident  delayed 
The  train  a  little  while ;  but  He 

Who  listened  while  his  children  prayed, 
In  answer,  held  the  train  at  B — . 

Youth's  Companion. 


SELECTED  READINGS,  55 

A  SCREAM  FROM  THE  AMERICAN 

EAGLE    IN  DAKOTA. 

Ladies  and  Gentlemen— Fellow  Citizens  op 

Dakota  and  of  America. 

In  the  old  Liberty  Hall  at  Philadelphia  hangs 
an  ancient  bell,  cracked,  mutilated  and  dumb, 
which  should  be  enshrined  in  gold  and  shown 
with  reverential  pride  and  affection  to  the  free- 
dom-loving pilgrim  from  every  land  and  nation 
till  its  heroic  metal  melts  in  the  conflagration 
of  the  universe,  and  its  undying  tones  float  out 
to  mingle  forever  with  the  grand  harmonies  of 
the  skies.  One  hundred  and  six  years  ago  to- 
day its  brazen  throat  rang  out  an  anthem  which 
will  reverberate  while  time  endures.  It  sang  to 
earth  and  heaven  the  glad  tidings  of  a  nation's 
birth.  It  proclaimed  the  adoption  of  that  im- 
mortal Declaration  you  have  just  heard  so  im- 
pressively read,  by  which  the  thirteen  British 
Colonies  severed  the  ties  that  had  bound  them  to 
the  mother  country,  and  stepped  into  the  arena 
of  nationalities  as  independent,  sovereign 
States;  as  the  freest  and  best  government,  the 
grandest  Republic,  the  world  has  ever  seen. 

Heroic  beyond  all  panegyric  was  the  act  of 
the  little  band  of  men  in  that  old  hall  on  the 
•Fourth  of  July,  1776;  and  glorious  beyond  all 
imagination  have  been  its  results.  The  feeble 
infant  Republic,  whose  birth  that  sacred  bell  an- 
nounced in  tones  of  mingled  joy  and  fear,  was 
born  in  a  night  of  storm  and  cloud,  and  bap- 
tised in  the  fire  and  blood  of  a  seven  years* 


56  COMIC  RECITATIONS. 

war.  It  was  cradled  in  poverty  and  adversity 
and  its  only  lullaby  was  the  roar  of  cannon  and 
the  rattle  of  musketry.  But,  borne  on  the  hearts 
and  prayers  and  bayonets  of  patriots  as  daunt- 
less and  devoted  in  the  field  as  they  were  wise  in 
the  council,  the  young  Republic  lived  and 
thrived.  British  armies  surrendered  to  it.  One 
by  one  the  proudest  empires  and  kingdoms  of 
earth  were  forced  to  recognize  its  power  and  its 
dignity.  It  fought  and  vanquished  the  haughty 
"Mistress  of  the  Seas"  in  1812.  It  subdued  the 
powerful  tribes  of  savages  on  its  western  fron- 
tiers, and  triumphed  over  the  machinations  and 
arms  of  France  and  Spain.  It  disciplined  the 
pirates  of  the  Mediterranean  coasts,  who  had  for 
ages  preyed  with  impunity  upon  the  commerce 
of  all  other  nations,  and  taught  them  at  the 
mouth  of  Decatur's  guns  that  there  was  one 
flag  that  must  be  respected  in  every  land,  on 
every  seat.  It  chastised  the  insolence  of  Mexico, 
and  rapidly  extended  its  dominion  from  ocean 
to  ocean.  It  grappled  with  the  most  gigantic 
insurrection  in  the  annals  of  the  world,  and 
after  four  years  of  titanic  battle  crushed  it,  and 
struck  the  last  shackle  of  bondage  from  the 
human  arms — making  a  living  reality,  forever 
and  forever,  on  its  hallowed  and  heroic  soil,  of  the 
grand  ideality  of  its  Magna  Charta,  that  "all 
men  are  born  free  and  equal."  It  triumphed— 
this  wondrous  young  nationality— in  commerce 
and  manufactures,  arts,  sciences  and  inventions, 
no  less  than  in  war  and  statecraft.  Its  white- 
winged  barks,  laden  wit'  '>the  richest  products  of 


SELECTED  READINGS.  57 

two  hemisplieres,  the  commerce  of  the  world, 
skimmed  every  ocean,  cast  anchor  in  every  haven 
of  the  globe.  Gold  poured  into  its  treasuries. 
Bangs  and  princes  rose  up  to  do  it  honor.  In 
the  sunlight  of  every  clime,  from  Greenland  to 
Japan,  from  Madagascar  to  Spitzbergen,  from 
Siberia  to  the  Southern  Pole,  the  Star-Spangled 
Banner  unfurled  itself  to  the  breeze,  every- 
where the  proud,  unsullied  symbol  of  liberty, 
union,  power,  peace,  prosperity  and  glory. 

It  swept  on  its  dazzling  way,  from  triumph  to 
triumph,  from  glory  to  glory,  until  to-day,  on 
the  hundred-and-sixth  anniversary  of  its  birth,  no 
nation  rears  its  head  to  Heaven  with  such  just 
and  honest  pride  as  ours,  this  American  nation, 
this  American  republic ;  and  no  music  stirs  the 
patriot  soul  as  do  the  lofty  strains  of  "Hail 
Columbia."  Among  all  the  nationalities  and 
realms  of  earth,  it  stands  peerless,  unrivaled, 
unapproached  and  unapproachable.  The  grand- 
est empires  of  the  old  world,  of  ancient  or  of 
modern  times,  sink  to  petty  provinces  beside  its 
vast  dimensions.  The  whole  possessions  of  Rome, 
when  her  golden  eagles  spread  their  wings  vic- 
torious from  the  burning  sands  of  Africa  to  the 
mist-clad  hills  of  Caledonia,  fell  short  of  the 
immensity  of  our  new-world  domain.  Russia, 
vastest  of  modern  sovereignties,  could  be  lost 
in  our  half -hemisphere,  beyond  the  power  of  all 
Ihe  detectives  in  Christendom  to  find  her. 
France,  land  of  Napoleon,  at  the  tread  of  whose 
legions  but  little  more  than  a  half-century  ago 
all  Europe  trembled  as  if  taken  with  a  AVabash 


58  COMIC  RECITATIONS. 

valley  ague,  would  scarcely  overlap  the  single 
territory  of  Dakota;  while  Great  Britain,  whose 
morning  drum-beat  sounds  around  the  globe, 
would  hardly  make  a  fly-speck  on  the  face  of 
Texas  and  California. 

Do  other  lands  boast  of  their  great  rivers? 
We  could  take  up  all  their  Niles  and  Thameses, 
their  yellow  Tibers,  castled  Rhines  and  beautiful 
blue  Danubes,  by  their  little  ends,  and  empty 
them  into  our  majestic  Mississippis  and  Mis- 
souris,  Amazons,  Saskatchewans  and  De  la  Pla- 
tas,  without  making  rise  enough  to  lift  an  Indian 
flat-boat  off  a  sandbar.  Do  they  brag  of  their  seas 
and  lakes  ?  We  could  spill  all  their  puny  Casp- 
ians  and  Azovs,  their  Dead  Seas,  Nyanzas  and 
Maggiores,  into  our  mighty  Superiors,  Michi- 
gans,  Eries  and  Ontarios,  and  scarce  produce  a 
ripple  on  their  pebbled  brims  to  wash  away  the 
eighteen-inch  "foot-prints  on  the  sands  of  time" 
left  by  the  fairy-like  slipper  of  a  St.  Louis  or 
Chicago  girl.  Do  they  prate  of  their  romantic 
scenery?  We  have  a  thousand  jewel-like  lakes 
that  would  make  all  their  vaunted  Comos,  Ge- 
nevas and  Killarneys  hide  their  faces  in  a  veil  of 
friendly  fog.  The  thunder  of  our  Niagara 
drowns  out  the  feeble  murmur  of  all  their  catar- 
acts, while  the  awful  crags  and  canyons  of  our 
Yosemite  and  Yellowstone,  the  prismatic  glitter 
and  dash  of  our  St.  Anthonys  and  Minneha- 
has,  and  the  lonely  grandeur  of  our  horizon- 
fenced  prairies,  boundless  oceans  and  billowy 
verdure,  dwarf  to  insipidity  the  most  famous 
scenes   of   Switzerland    and    Italy,    eclipse   the 


SELECTED  READINGS.  59 

wonders  and  glories  of  the  Arabian  Nights,  and 
defy  all  the  skill  of  poet's  pen  and  artist's  pencil 
to  depict  the  veriest  atom  of  their  sublimity  and 
their  loveliness.  Do  they  prattle  about  their 
Aetnas  and  Yesuviuses  ?  AVith  our  noses  turning 
somersaults  of  supreme  contempt  clear  over  our 
heads,  we  thunder  forth  our  Catopaxis,  Popocat- 
apetals,  Chimborazos  and  scores  of  other  jaw- 
breakers whose  very  names  alone  are  too  huge 
for  common  tongues  (I  am  aware  that  some  of 
the  specimens  of  national  prodigiousness  that  I 
have  mentioned  do  not  just  exactly  belong  to  us 
yet ;  but  they  belong  to  our  next-door  neighbors 
who  are  not  as  strong  as  we  are,  and  to  our 
glorious  expansive  Yankee  spirit ;  where  or  what 
is  the  difference?)  Do  other  lands  and  nations 
talk  of  their  mines  of  jewels  and  gold?  We 
answer  with  the  exhaustless  bonanzas  of  Cali- 
fornia, Colorado,  Dakota  and  New  Mexico, 
where  mountains  of  gold  and  silver  ore  challenge 
the  skies,  and  where  the  ceaseless  thunder  of  the 
world's  greatest  bullion  mills  resounds  in  the  yet 
warm  lair  of  the  Rocky  Mountain  grizzly  bear. 
Do  they  rave  of  the  harvest  fields  of  Germany 
and  Britain,  and  the  vine-clad  hills  of  France? 
We  show  them  half  a  hemisphere  with  soils  and 
climates  as  varied  as  the  tastes  of  men,  and 
with  capacities  for  production  as  boundless  as 
the  needs  of  men;  yielding  everything  cereal, 
vegetable,  animal,  textile,  and  mineral,  agricul- 
tural, horticultural,  zoological,  pomological, 
piscatorial  and  ornithological,  ovine,  bovine,  cap- 
ricornine,  equine  and  asinine   (the  last  includ- 


60  COMIC  RECITATIONS. 

ing  most  of  our  alleged  statesmen)  that  all  the 
wants  of  all  the  races,  tribes,  kindreds  and 
tongues  of  earth  can  ever  require.  The  sun  in 
Heaven,  in  all  its  grand  rounds  since  ' '  the  even- 
ing and  the  morning  were  the  first  day,"  never 
looked  down  upon  a  more  magnificent  domain— 
a  fresh  and  glorious  half-world,  grand  in  all  its 
proportions  and  endlessly  diversified,  rich  and 
gorgeous  in  all  its  adornments,  resting  like  a 
vast  emerald  breast-pin  upon  the  bosom  of  the 
four  great  oceans.  It  is  the  broadest  land  ever 
given  to  any  people,  the  grandest  and  most 
beautiful,  the  most  varied  in  its  productions, 
and  the  most  unlimited  in  its  capabilities  and 
its  future. 

*         *         *         *         #         * 

Of  this  resplendent  national  fabric,  fellow- 
citizens,  our  own  Dakota  is  to  be  no  ordinary 
part.  God  and  Nature  have  made  her,  in  many 
respects,  the  garden-spot  of  all  its  imperial  do- 
main. Cast  your  eyes  and  your  imaginations 
over  her  hundred  and  fifty-three  thousand 
square  miles  of  area,  from  the  Red  River  Eden 
of  the  North  to  the  crystal  ripples  of  the  Belle 
Fourche,  from  the  borders  of  the  romantic  Yel- 
lowstone to  the  pasture-lands  of  Yankton  and 
Vermillion.  On  all  the  beauteous,  pendant 
globe,  no  fairer,  richer  realm  unfolds  itself  to 
tempt  the  angels  down.  No  broader,  grander, 
golden  grainfields  ever  gladdened  the  heart  and 
pocket  of  sunbrowned  husbandman  with  hun- 
dred fold  harvests.  No  greener  pastures  eyer 
feasted  the  frolicsome  mule-colt,  or  fatted  the 


SELECTED  READINGS.  61 

festive  gentleman-calf.  No  mightier  treasure- 
houses  of  royal  ore  rear  their  proud  heads  heav- 
enward in  any  land  or  zone.  No  bluer  skies  bend 
their  sapphire  arches  above  the  far-famed,  beg- 
gar-hemmed and  sea-girt  bay  of  Naples,  or  the 
Lake  of  Como,  on  whose  enchanted  shores  lay 
the  bogus  ranch  of  Claude  Melnotte,  whom 
John  McCullough  nightly  murders  on  the  mimic 
stage. 

No  softer  moonlight  bathes  in  floods  of  silvery 
sheen  the  orange-groves  of  Andalusia,  or  lures 
the  gushing  gosling  to  amatory  squash-swapping 
with  his  adored-and-dorable  only  ownest  one. 
No  balmier  breezes  sigh  over  Araby  the  blest, 
or  the  gardens  of  Gul  in  her  bloom,  than  the 
sweetness-surfeited  zephyrs  that  linger  in  lov- 
ing dalliance  amid  our  rose-beds  and  pig-styes, 
japonica-thickets,  honeysuckle-arbors  and  sew- 
erage-soaked garbage-piles.  No  bigger  mosqui- 
toes were  ever  broiled  and  served,  in  fashionable 
restaurants  down  east,  as  snipes  on  toast,  than 
those  that  industriously  ply  their  profession 
along  all  our  romantic  streams  and  lakesides. 

No  sharper,  nobler,  wide-awake,  straighter- 
tobacco-spitting,  more  enterprising,  whole- 
souled,  generous,  true-hearted  and  public-spir- 
ited men  than  ours  ever  left  their  stoga  boot- 
prints  on  the  golden  sands  of  time.  And  no 
brighter,  dearer,  lovlier  creatures  ever  flitted 
through  oriental  poet's  raptest  dream  of  para- 
dise, than  our  blessed  dimity  divinities,  our 
home-made  calico  seraphs,  our  patent  inflatable- 
crinolined    darlings,    our    Dakota    sweethearts, 


62  COMIC  RECITATIONS. 

wives,  mollier-in-law,  gi'andmothers  and  cousin 
Mariannes,  who  are  creation's  special  pets  and 
prides,  fitted  to  bear  queenship  in  any  realm. 

Oh,  Dakota  is  a  splendid,  magnificent,  hunki- 
dorious  domain — a  land  of  majestic  dimensions, 
a  land  of  gold  and  silver  mountains,  of  fruit- 
trees  and  vineyards,  of  lowing  kine  and  golden 
grain;  under  the  feet  a  carpet  of  flowers  be- 
spangled with  gold-dust,  and  the  most  crystal- 
line of  heavens  bending  above  and  resting  its 
arch  oa  the  walls  of  the  forest.  She  is  a  regal 
member  of  the  Union  sisterhood.  She  has  a 
mighty  interest  in  the  destiny  of  the  Republic, 
and  in  the  achievement  of  that  destiny  she  should 
bear  no  ignoble  share.  In  the  grand  orchestra 
of  national  glorification  she  should  play  no  sec- 
ond fiddle  or  discordant  trombone.  In  the  swift, 
resistless  march  of  American  progress  and  de- 
velopment, she  should  be  found  with  the  "color 
guards"  in  the  van,  and  not  lagging  am^ong  the 
shirks'  and  sutlers'  wagons  in  the  rear.  In 
new-world  advancement,  in  the  upbuilding  of 
earth's  greatest  and  grandest  nationality,  hers 
is  and  should  be  a  glorious  mission,  a  sublime 
work. 

It  rests  with  you,  fellow-citizens,  men  and 
women  of  Dakota,  to  say  whether  this  mission 
shall  be  fulfilled,  this  work  be  done.  In  your 
hands  is  the  fate,  the  destiny  of  our  grand  ter- 
ritory. Make  it  a  land  of  God  and  morality,  of 
law,  order  and  the  broadest  liberty.  Let  the 
taper  spire  of  church  and  school-house  be  ever, 
as  now,  the  first  landmark  in  all  your  towns. 


SELECTED  READINGS.  63 

Cherish  the  free  spirit  of  the  men  of  1776, 
Cultivate  the  broad  and  generous  sympathy 
which  throbs  in  unison  with  all  humanity,  which 
feels  for  every  man  and  is  interested  in  every- 
thing that  concerns  the  great  common  brother- 
hood. Labor,  labor  always  for  your  country,  for 
the  world  and  for  mankind,  and  you  \Yill  best 
labor  for  yourselves  and  for  Dakota.  Be  mem 
and  WOMEN  in  the  widest  and  truest  and  highest 
sense  of  the  term. 

Only  do  your  duty  to  yourselves  and  to  your 
majestic  Empire  state  of  the  future,  and  the 
name  of  Dakota  will  yet  become  throughout  the 
country  and  the  world,  a  synonym  for  all  that 
is  great  and  noble  and  good.  Long  live  Dakota 
and  the  Dakotans !  Long  be  halloAved  the  Fourth 
of  July,  which  rendered  possible  such  a  region 
and  such  a  people ! 


THE   ROYAL   BmiPER   DEGREE. 

HOW  A  BOY  INATIATED  HIS  DAD. 

From  "Peck's  Sun." 
I  wish  me  and  my  chum  had  muzzled  our  goal 
with  a  pillow.  Pa  would  have  enjoyed  his  be- 
coming a  member  of  our  lodge  better.  You  see 
pa  had  been  telling  us  how  much  good  the  Ma- 
sons and  the  Odd  Fellows  did,  and  said  we  ought 
to  try  and  grow  up  good  so  we  could  jine  the 
lodges  when  we  got  big,  and  I  asked  pa  if  it 
would  do  any  hurt  for  us  to  have  a  play  lodge 


64  COMIC  BECITATIONS. 

in  my  room  and  pretend  to  nishiate,  and  pa  said 
it  wouldn't  do  any  hurt.  He  said  it  would 
improve  our  minds  and  learn  us  to  be  men. 
So  my  chum  and  me  borried  a  goat  that  lives 
in  a  livery  stable,  and  carried  him  up  to  my 
room  when  pa  and  ma  was  out  riding,  but  the 
goat  blattered  so  we  had  to  tie  a  handkerchief 
around  his  nose,  and  his  feet  made  such  noise 
on  the  floor  that  we  had  to  put  some  baby's 
socks  on  his  feet.  Well,  sir,  my  chum  and  me 
practiced  with  that  goat  until  he  could  butt  a 
picture  of  a  goat  every  time.  We  borried  a  buck 
beer  sign  of  a  saloon  man  and  hung  it  on  the 
back  of  a  chair,  and  the  goat  would  hit  it  every 
time. 

That  night  pa  wanted  to  know  what  we  were 
doing  up  in  my  room,  and  I  told  him  we  were 
playing  lodge  and  improving  our  minds,  and 
pa  said  that  was  right.  There  was  nothing  that 
did  boys  of  our  age  half  so  much  good  as  to 
imitate  men  and  store  by  useful  nollidge.  Then 
my  chum  asked  pa  if  he  didn't  want  to  come  up 
and  take  grand  bumper  degree,  and  pa  laffed 
and  said  he  didn't  care  if  he  did,  just  to  en- 
courage us  boys  in  innocent  pastime  that  was 
so  improving  our  intellect.  We  had  shut  the 
goat  up  in  a  closet  in  my  room,  and  he  had  got 
over  his  blatting,  so  we  took  off  the  handker- 
chief, and  he  was  eating  some  of  my  paper  col- 
lars and  skate  straps. 

We  went  up  stairs  and  told  pa  to  come  up 
pretty  soon  and  give  three  distinct  raps,  and 
when  we  asked  him  who  comes  there  he  must 


SELECTED  READINGS.  65 

say  "A  pilgrim  who  wants  to  join  your  ancient 
order  and  ride  the  goat."  Ma  wanted  to  come 
up,  too,  but  we  told  her  if  she  come  in  it  would 
break  up  the  lodge,  'cause  a  woman  couldn't 
keep  a  secret,  and  we  didn't  have  any  side-saddle 
for  the  goat. 

Say,  ef  you  never  have  tried  it,  the  next  time 
you  nishiate  a  man  in  your  Mason's  lodge, 
you  sprinkle  a  little  kj'an  pepper  on  the  goat's 
beard  just  before  you  turn  him  loose.  You  can 
get  three  times  as  much  to  the  square  inch  of 
goat.    You  wouldn't  think  it  was  the  same  goat. 

Well,  we  all  got  fixed  and  pa  rapped,  and  we 
let  him  in  and  told  him  he  must  be  blindfolded, 
and  he  got  on  his  knees  a-laffing,  and  I  tied  a 
towel  around  his  eyes,  and  then  I  turned  him 
around,  and  made  him  get  down  on  his  hands 
also,  and  then  his  back  was  right  toward  the 
closet  door,  and  I  put  the  buck-beer  sign  right 
against  pa's  clothes.  He  was  a-laffing  all  the 
time,  and  said  we  boys  were  full  of  fun  as  they 
made  'em,  and  we  told  him  it  was  a  solemn  oc- 
casion, but  we  wouldn't  permit  no  levity,  and 
if  he  didn't  stop  laffing  we  couldn't  give  him  the 
grand  bumper  degree. 

Then  everything  was  ready,  and  ray  chum  had 
his  hand  on  the  closet  door,  and  some  kyan  pep- 
per in  his  other  hand,  and  I  asked  pa  in  low 
bass  tones  if  he  felt  as  though  he  wanted  to 
turn  back,  or  if  he  had  nerve  enough  to  go 
ahead  and  take  the  degree.  I  warned  him  that 
it  was  full  of  dangers,  as  the  goat  was  loaded 
for  beer,  and  told  him  he  yet  had  time  to  re- 


66  COMIC  RECITATIONS. 

trace  his  steps  if  he  wanted.  He  said  he  wanteo 
the  whole  business,  and  we  could  go  ahead 
with  the  menagerie.  Then  I  said  to  pa  that  if 
he  had  decided  to  go  ahead,  and  not  blame  us 
for  the  consequences,  to  repeat  after  me  the 
following :  ' '  Bring  forth  the  royal  bumper,  and 
let  him  bump!"  Pa  repeated  the  words,  and 
my  chum  sprinkled  the  kyan  pepper  on  the 
goat's  mustache  and  he  sneezed  once  and  looked 
sassy,  and  then  he  sees  the  lagerbeer  goat  rear- 
ing up  and  he  started  for  it  just  like  a  cow- 
catcher and  blatted.  Pa  is  real  fat,  but  he  knew 
he  had  got  hit,  and  he  grunted  and  said :  ' '  The 
duse!  what  you  boys  doin'?  and  then  the  goat 
gave  him  another  degree,  and  pa  pulled  off  the 
towel  and  got  up  and  started  for  the  stairs, 
and  so  did  the  goat,  and  ma  was  at  the  bottom! 
of  the  stairs  listening,  and  when  I  looked  over 
the  banisters  pa  and  ma  and  the  goat  were  all 
in  a  heap,  and  pa  was  yelling  murder,  and  ma 
was  screaming  fire,  and  the  goat  was  blatting 
and  sneezing  and  butting,  and  the  hired  girl 
came  into  the  hall  and  the  goat  took  after  her, 
and  she  crossed  herself  just  as  the  goat  struck 
her,  and  said:  "Howly  mother,  protect  me!" 
and  went  down-stairs  the  way  we  boys  slide 
down  hill,  with  both  hands  on  herself,  and  the 
goat  reared  up  and  blatted,  and  pa  and  ma  went 
into  their  rooms  and  shut  the  door,  and  then 
my  chum  and  me  opened  the  front  door  and 
drove  the  goat  out. 


SELECTED  READINGS.  67 

THE  PHOTOGRAPH  ALBIBI. 

Good-afternoon,  Miss  Bobbins.  Come  to  see 
the  fuuer'l  pass,  I  s'pose.  It's  been  very  lively 
in  town  these  two  weeks  you've  been  away; 
there's  been  five  funer'ls  and  three  vandues,  and 
two  small-pox  cases.  I  must  remember  and  tell 
you  all  the  partickerlers.  In  the  fust  place,  Sam 
Tunison  and  his  wife  separated,  for  they  did'nt 
walk  together  at  his  mother's  funer'l  and  that's 
always  a  sure  sign.  And  Billy  Peter's  wife  was 
glad  when  the  poor  old  soul  died,  for  she  didn't 
take  it  hard  at  all,  didn't  cry  or  go  on  a  bit,  as 
far  as  I  could  see.  And  'Zekiel  Acker  rode  in 
the  fust  carriage  along  with  the  minister,  and 
his  wife's  folks  in  the  second  carriage.  It  don't 
seem  to  me  that  that  was  the  proper  thing  to 
do. 

Will  you  look  at  the  paper.  Miss  Robbins  ?  It 
ain't  much  good;  I  guess  I'll  stop  it.  Ain't 
never  hardly  any  deaths  in  any  more,  nor  no 
family  troubles.  Don't  care  for  the  paper,  eh? 
Well,  here's  the  photygraph  album.  There's 
father  and  mother— beats  all  how  old-fashioned 
pictures  do  git  to  look  in  a  few  short  years.  And 
there's  our  old  minister — sich  excellent  doctrinal 
sermons  as  he  used  to  preach ;  and  then  to  think 
he'd  go  and  leave  us  and  go  all  the  way  to 
Spring  Hook,  Nebrasky,  jist  for  a  raise  of  a 
hundred  and  fifty  a  year  on  to  his  salary !  What 
a  savin'  woman  his  wife  used  to  be!  and  she  had 
to  be,  to  be  sure— sich  an  everlastin'  family  of 
children  as  they  did  have!  There,  that's  the 
woman  what  was  hung  for  killin'  five  husbands 


68  COMIC  BECITATIONS. 

—two  of  'em  she  pizened  and  two  she  choked 
and  one  she  killed  with  a  gridiron  when  she  was 
a  fryin'  flapjacks.  I  had  to  pay  fifty  cents  for 
that  picter;  thought  I  must  have  it.  There's 
Will'm  Henery's  half-sister's  son's  little  boy 
— jist  got  on  pants  and  feels  very  big,  of  course. 
There,  that's  me  when  I  was  fust  married— 
Jemimy  Day's  step-daughter,  she  had  the  im- 
perdence  to  say  it  flattered  me— she  was  as 
homely  as  a  brush-fence.  There,  that's  the  man 
I  was  a-tellin'  you  of— the  man  Sal  Simpson  led 
such  a  life,  finally  left  him,  and,  without  even 
so  much  as  a  divorce,  went  and  married  his  sec- 
ond cousin's  wife's  half-brother,  all  the  worse 
for  bein'  in  the  family.  There's  the  Siamese 
Twins,  and  there's  Tom  Thumb  and  his  wife. 
And  there's  Abe  Linkum,  and  there's  the  fat 
v/oman— cost  me  twenty-five  cents  to  see  that 
onct  in  York.  There,  that's  that  poor  Miss 
Smith  what  died  with  sich  a  terrible  caucer— 
how  thankful  we  had  all  ought  (o  be  that  we 
ain't  got  no  cancers!  Sich  a  operation  as  she 
had  to  go  through  with— cost  six  hundred  dol- 
lars, and  then  Avarn't  no  good  after  all.  I'd  a 
demanded  the  money  back  if  I'd  a  been  Sam; 
but  for  that  matter,  like  as  not  h;.^  was  glad  ,s.he 
died,  went  and  married  that  young  thing  I  was 
a  tellin'  you  of  before  she  was  cold.  A  liigh 
time  she'll  have  with  them  step-children  of 
hern!  Poor  Miss  Smith!— it's  likely  though 
she's  better  off,  though  they  do  say  she  was 
most  awful  mean  about  givin'  to  missions  in 
Chiny— thought    the    heathen   warn't    account- 


SELECTED  READINGS.  69 

able  as  long  as  they  hadn't  heard  notliin'. 
Amazin'  queer  what  notions  some  people  gits 
into  their  heads  these  days!  And  here's  poor 
Mariar  ]\Iatilda  Jinkins— beats  all  what  amazin' 
fine  pumpkin  pies  she  used  to  make !  She  was 
always  a-goin'  to  give  me  her  receipt.  Poor 
thing!  now  she's  gone!  There,  that's  the  last. 
What  a  satisfaction  and  comfort  albums  are, 
to  be  sure  1 


INTENSELY  UTTER. 

ANON. 

A  few  months  ago  a  daughter  of  a  Nassau 
man,  who  had  grown  comfortably  well-off  in 
a  small  grocery  line,  was  sent  away  to  a  female 
college,  and  a  few  weeks  ago  arrived  home 
for  the  holiday  vacation.  The  old  man  was 
in  attendance  at  the  depot  in  Albany  when 
the  train  arrived,  with  the  old  horse  in  the  de- 
livery wagon  to  convey  his  daughter  and  her 
trunk  home.  When  the  train  had  stopped  in 
the  Union  Depot  a  bewitching  array  of  dry- 
goods  and  a  wide  brimmed  hat  dashed  from  the 
cars  and  flung  itself  into  the  elderly  party's 
arms. 

"Why,  you  superlative  pa!"  she  exclaimed, 
"I'm  so  utterly  glad  to  see  you." 

The  old  man  wa.s  somewhat  unnerved  by  the 
greeting,  but  he  recognized  the  sealskin  coat  in 
his  grip  as  the  identical  piece  of  property  he 
had  paid  for  with  the  bay  mare,  and  he  sort  of 


70  COMIC  RECITATIONS, 

squat  it  up  in  his  arms  and  planted  a  kiss 
where  it  would  do  the  most  good,  with  a  report 
that  sounded  above  the  noise  of  the  dejjot.  In 
a  brief  space  of  time  the  trunk  and  its  attendant 
baggage  were  loaded  into  the  wagon,  which  was 
soon  bumping  over  the  hubbies  towards  home. 

"Pa,  dear,"  said  the  young  miss,  surveying 
the  team  with  a  critical  eye,  "do  you  consider 
this  quite  excessively  beyond?" 

"Hey?"  returned  the  old  man,  with  a  puzzled 
air;  "quite  excessively  beyond  what?  Beyond 
Greenbush;  I  consider  it  somewhat  about  two 
miles  beyond  Greenbush,  continuing  from  the 
Bath- way,  if  that's  what  you  mean." 

"Oh,  no,  pa,  you  don't  understand  me,"  the 
daughter  exclaimed,  "I  mean  this  horse  and 
wagon.  Do  you  think  they  are  soulful?  Do  you 
think  they  could  be  studied  apart  in  the  light 
of  a  symphony  or  even  a  single  poem,  and  ap- 
pear as  intensely  utter  to  one  on  returning  home 
as  one  could  express?" 

The  old  man  twisted  uneasily  in  his  seat,  and 
muttered  something  about  he  believed  it  used  to 
be  used  as  an  express-wagon  before  he  bought 
it  to  deliver  pork  in,  but  the  conversation  ap- 
peared to  be  in  a  lonesome  direction  that  he 
fetched  the  horse  a  resounding  crack  on  the 
rotunda,  and  the  severe  jolting  over  frozen 
ground  prevented  further  remarks. 

"Oh,  there  is  that  lovely  and  consummate 
ma ! ' '  screamed  the  returned  collegiate,  as  they 
drove  up  to  the  door,  presently  she  was  lost  in 
the  embrace  of  a  motherly  woman  in  spectacles, 


SELECTED  READINGS.  I  i- 

"Well,  Maria,"  said  the  old  man  at  the  sup- 
per-table, as  he  nipped  a  piece  of  butter  off  the 
lump  with  his  own  knife,  "an'  how  d'you  like 
your  school  ? "  . 

"Well,  there,  pa,  now  you're  shout— I  mean, 
I  consider  it  too  beyond,"  replied  the  daughter. 
"It  is  unquenchably  ineffable.  The  girls  are 
sumptuously  stunning— I  mean  grand— so  ex- 
quisite—so intense;  and  then  the  parties,  the 
calls,  the  rides— oh,  the  past  weeks  have  been 
one  of  sublime  harmony." 

"I  s'pose  so— I  s'pose  so,"  nervously  assented 
the  old  man  as  he  reached  for  his  third  cup  — 
half  full— "but  how  about  your  books,  readin', 
writin',  grammar,  rule  o'  three— how  about 
them?" 

"Pa,  don't"  exclaimed  the  daughter  reproach- 
fully; "the  rule  o'  three!  grammar!  It's  French 
and  music,  and  painting,  and  the  divine  in  art 
that  has  made  my  school-life  the  boss— I  mean 
that  has  rendered  it  one  unbroken  flow  of  ryth- 
mic bliss  —  incomparably  and  exquisitely  all 
.but." 

The  groceryman  and  his  wife  looked  help- 
lessly across  the  table.  After  a  lonesome  pause 
the  old  lady  said  :  — 

"How  do  you  like  the  biscuits,  Maria?" 

"They  are  too  utter  for  anything,"  gushed 
the  accomplished  young  lady,  "and  this  plum- 
preserve  is  simply  a  poem  of  itself." 

The  old  man  abruptly  arose  from  the  table 
and  went  out  of  the  room  rubbing  his  head  in  a 
dazed  and  benumbed  manner,  and  the  mass  con- 


72  COMIC  RECITATIONS. 

vention  was  dissolved.  That  night  he  and  his 
wife  sat  alone  by  the  stove  until  a  late  hour, 
and  at  the  breakfast-table  the  next  morning 
he  rapped  smartly  on  the  plate  with  the  handle 
of  his  knife,  and  remarked:—  ^ 

"Maria,  me  an'  your  mother  have  been  talkm 
the  thing  over,  an'  we've  come  to  the  conclusion 
that  this  boarding-school  business  is  too  much 
nonsense. 

"Me  an'  her  consider  that  we  haven  t  lived 
sixty  odd  consummate  years  for  the  purpose  of 
raisin'  a'  curiosity,  an'  there's  goin'  to  be  a  stop 
put  to  this  unquenchable  foolishness. 

"Now,  after  you've  finished  eatin'  that  poem 
of  fried 'sausage  an'  that  symphony  of  twisted 
doughnut,  you  take  an'  dust  up-stairs  m  less'n 
two  seconds,  an'  peel  off  that  fancy  gown  an^ 
put  on  a  caliker,  an'  then  come  down  here  an' 
help  your  mother  wash  dishes. 

"I  want  it  distinctly  understood  that  there 
ain't  going  to  be  no  more  rythmic  foolishness  in 
this  house  so  long  as  your  superlative  pa  an' 
your  lovely  an'  consummate  ma's  runnm'  the 
ranch.  You  hear  me,  Maria?" 
Maria  was  listening. 


SELECTED  READINGS.  73 

PAT'S  BONDSMAN. 

LILLIAN  A.  MOULTON. 

From  "The  Youth's  Companion." 
■^'The  top  av  the  morning  to  ye,  Father  Ray, 
Ye  sees  it's  mesilf  as  is  sober  the  day, 
It's  jist  getting  out  of  a  sehrape  that  I  be. 
And  Mike,  that's  my  b'y,  he  went  bondsman 
for  me. 

"Shure  I  was  in  court  jist  a  fortnight  ago— 
'Twas  Avhen  I  was  over  in  Flannigan's  Row; 
And  I  had  a  tight  with  a  neighbor  or  two— 
They  said  it  was  murther  that  I  was  up  to. 

"But  shure  it  was  only  a  bit  av  a  row, 
And  ashamed  I  am  when  I  think  av  it  now ; 
And  one  of  the  spalpeens  fell  over  the  stair. 
And  they  said  'twas  mesilf  as  had  helped  him 
down  there. 

"So  they  brought  me  in  court,  to  his  honor, 

Jedge  Shaw, 
He's  a  mighty  hard  one  to  come  down  with  the 

law; 
And  the  heart  in  my  bussom  could  hardly  kape 

still 
When  he  read,  'Patrick  Flynn,  for  attempting 

to  kill.' 

"And  I  trembled  all  over  when  he  says  to  me: 
'Have  ye  got    any    friends    'ill    go    bondsman 
for  ye?' 


74  COMIC  RECITATIONS. 

'Nary  one,  plaze  yer  honor,'  sez  I;  then  he  said, 
In  a  voice  that,  I  reckon,  would  most  raise  the 
dead: 

"  'Prisoner  at  the  bar,  as  ye  can't  get  no  bail, 
I  am  owthorized  now  to  commit  ye  to  jail.' 
And  then,  Howly  Virgin !  what  else  should  I  see 
But  Mike  walking  straight  to  the  jedge,  and 
sez  he, 

"As  he  took  off  his  hat,  what  was  torn  in  the 

rim: 
'Av  ye  plaze.  Mister  Jedge,  I'll  bondsman  for 

him. 
I  ain't  got  no  money,  but  I'll  go  his  bail, 
And  av  he  runs  away  j'^ou  can  put  me  to  jail. 

"I  ain't  got  no  mother,  she  died  long  ago. 
And  left  me  to  take  care  of  father,  ye  know ; 
And  what  wud  she  say  if  ye  put  him  in  jail 
'Cus  he  hadn't  got  no  one  but  me  for  his  bail? 

"  'He's  good  as  can  be  when  he's  not  drank  a 

drop. 
And  maybe  if  somebody  azked  him  he'd  stop  ; 
He  didn't  push  Bill;  I  was  there,  and  I  see. 
Av  ye  plaze,  Mister  Jedge,  let  me  father  go  free.' 

"Saints  bless  the  child  forever!    The  jedge  sez, 

sez  he : 
'My  b'y,  I   'quit  your  father,  and  both  av  ye 

are  free. 
The  bail  is  all-sufficient;  it  satisfies  the  law,' 


SELECTED  READINGS.  75 

'Hurrah!'  spoke  out  the  people;  'three  cheers 
for  Justice  Shaw ! ' 

"And  the  jedge  had  some  tears  in  his  eyes,  I 

allow, 
When  he  walked  up  to  me,  and  sez  he,  with  a 

bow, 
'I've  let  you  off  aisy,  this  time,  Patrick  Flynn; 
For  the  sake  av  that  youngster,  don't  come  here 

agin.' 

"So  I've  taken  the  pledge  now,  yer  Riverence 

Ray, 
On  account  of  the  b'y,  and  I'm  sober  the  daj; 
It  was  a  bad  schrape,  and  I'd  niver  got  free, 
Only  for  Mike  going  bondsman  for  me. ' ' 


"WEAR'S  DE  KERRIDGE?" 

ANON. 

MR.    berry's    OVERSIGHT    IN    TRYING    TO    TAKE    A 

YOUNG  LiU)Y  TO  A  BALL. 

From  the  "Virginia  City  Chronicle." 
He  was  a  new  bootblack,  but  already  seemed 

quite  at  home  at  the  old  stand  so  long  a  familiar 

object  on  the  line  of  our  daily  peregrinations. 
"Sartin,  boss,  shine  'em  up  in  less'n  no  time," 

said  he,  and  we  mounted  to  the  hurricane  deck 

of  his  place  of  business. 

"Wf'.ll.    yes,   boss,    not  been   here   long,   but 

I'se  gettin'  insight  inter  de  ways  misrhty  fast. 


76  COMIC  RECITATIONS. 

De  ways  here,  sah,  is  different  to  what  dey  is 
down  in  ole  Massissip.  Bin  Massissip,  sah  ?  Fine 
ole  state,  sah?" 

"The  colored  people  here  appear  to  be  quite 
as  happy  as  in  any  part  of  the  world,"  we  ven- 
tured to  remark. 

"No,  sah ;  beg  leave  to  diffah ;  you'se  not  on  de 
inside,  sah;  dar's  too  much  elewation;  dat's 
what 's  de  matter.  Give  you  an  instance :  Las ' 
week,  you  know,  sar,  de  cullud  folks  had  a  ball ; 
quite  a  high-toned  affair,  sah.  Well,  I  engaged 
a  young  lady  for  de  party,  sah ;  one  dat  I  at  dat 
time  looked  on  as  de  pride  ob  de  country,  sah. 
I  am  not  indifferent  to  dress,  and  I  put  on 
clothes,  sah— clothes  dat  don't  every  day  see  de 
light  ol)  de  sun— and  went  to  de  residence  of  de 
gal. 

"I  'rived  at  de  'pinted  time.  De  gal  was  in 
de  bes'  room  an'  in  her  bes'  clothes,  waitin'  my 
arrival  on  de  scene.  De  ole  man  was  dar  an'  de 
ole  woman  also  figgered  in  de  tableau,  wid  a 
few  juvenile  supernumerary  members  ob  de 
family. 

"Miss  Augusta  smiled  on  me  in  dat  meltin' 
way  ob  de  eyes  dat  allers  guv  me  a  movement  of 
de  heart.  I  was  interjuced  to  de  more  influential 
members  ob  de  household,  an'  de  discourse  was 
agreeable.  Presently  I  suggested  dat  it  would 
be  well  to  be  movin'  for  de  party,  an'  Miss  Au- 
gusta rose  in  all  de  pomp  and  circumstance  of 
her  high-priced  attire. 

"M^e  arrived  on  de  stoop  of  de  door,  an',  of- 
fering my  arm,  I  suppose  we  should  progress. 


SELECTED  READINGS.  77 

No,  sah,  not  a  bit  of  it.  Dat  gal  receded.  She 
rose  eric'  to  an  astonishin'  hight,  an'  as  she 
transfixed  me  wid  her  gaze,  she  uttered  dese 
memorable  words :    '  Whar  's  de  transportation  ? ' 

"  'De  what?'  says  I,  feelin'  dat  sufiin  was 
agoin'  wrong. 

"  'De  trans-pot-ation !  Whar's  de  transpo- 
tation?' 

"  'What's  de  transpotation ? '  says  I. 

"  'De  wehiele— whar's  de  wehicle?'  she  says. 

"  'I  don't  know  nuffin  'bout  no  wehicle,' 
says  I. 

"  'Whar's  de  kerridge?'  says  she. 

"  'De  kerridge?'  says  I.  I  haven't  seen  no 
kerridge ! ' 

"  'Mistah  Berry,  does  you  pretend  to  tell  me 
dat  you've  come  to  take  me  to  de  ball  widout 
a  kerridge?'  and  she  became  of  a  still  greater 
hight. 

"  'Why,  of  course,'  says  I.  'I  thought  we 
could  walk.  Down  in  ole  Massissip  de  gals  think 
nuffin  of  goin'  miles  an'  miles' — 

"  '  So  you  expect  me  to  hoof  it,  Mistah  Berry  ? 
You  tell  me  'bout  de  gals  in  Massissip,  Mistah 
Berry;  do  de  gals  in  Massissip  know  anything 
'bout  proper  attire,  Mistah  Berry?'  An'  she 
guv  a  sort  of  kick  an'  a  sling  of  her  body  an' 
trailed  out  about  four  yards  of  train. 

"De  ole  man  an'  de  ole  woman  an'  all  de  rest 
now  put  in  dar  'pearance,  an'  says  de  ole  man, 
'AVhat's  all  dis  confusion  of  tongues?' 

"  'Mistah  Berry  doesn't  consider  de  lionah 
sufficient  to  warrant  him  in  the  outlay  necessary 


78  COMIC  RECITATIONS. 

for  de  furnishing  of  propoh  transpotation, '  said 
]\Iiss  Augusta. 

"  'Sah!'  said  de  ole  man;  'Sah!'  said  de  ole 
woman ;  '  Sah ! '  said  all  de  little  members. 

"I  said  nuffin'. 

"  'Does  de  niggah  'spect  he's  gwine  to  lead 
our  darter  off  on  de  hoof  like  she  was  a  cow?' 
said  de  ole  woman. 

"  'Who  you  call  nigah,  ole  woman?'  says  I. 
"Why,  I'se  drove  better  lookm'  heiffers  nor 
yours  to  de  plough  in  ole  Massissip ! ' 

"De  gal  shriekt! 

"  'Dar  you  talk  to  me  an'  my  darter  in  dat 
bituminous  manner, '  said  de  ole  man,  an '  he  guv 
me  a  lift  wid  his  ole  stogas  dat  raised  me  off 'n  de 
stoop  and  follered  it  up  wid  numerous  of  de  same 
dat  was  much  assistance  to  me  in  gittin'  out  de 
gate. 

"Dar's  too  much  elewation,  sah,  creepin'  into 
cuiluv.  society.     I  turns  my  back  to  it,  sah !  '*^ 


AUNT  PATIENCE 'b  DOUGHNUTS. 

ANON. 

From  the  "Springfield  Republican." 
"AVell!  you've  got  back,  hev  you?  S'pose  you 

and  that  Lancaster  feller  hed  a  fine  time  out 

a-ridin',  didn't  you?" 

"Yes,  indeed,  Aunt  Patience!     It's  so  lovely 

out-of-dors,  and  it  has  been  such  a  perfect  day  J 

Don 't  you  think  so  ? " 


SELECTED  READINGS.  79 

"Well,  yes,  dunno  but  it  hez,"  aeknowi*decl 
Aunt  Patience  reluctantly;  "but,  as  I  was 
a-tellin '  your  ma  jest  now,  it 's  a  weather  breeder, 
'nd  I  shouldn't  be  a  mite  surprised  if  we  hed  a 
regular  northeaster  in  a  day  or  two,  mebhe 
a  freshet.  'Twas  jest  sich  weather  before  we 
hed  thet  dreadful  freshet  twenty  years  ago  this 
fall,  jest  after  the  equinoxal— awful  storm! 
Jonas  was  laid  up  with  a  sore  toe.  Dear  me ! 
what  a  time  I  hed  with  thet  man.  Ef  any  little 
thing  ailed  him,  there  Avan't  no  livin'  with  him. 
Then  the  freshet  came  on  'nd  carried  off  bridges, 
'nd  washed  the  roads,  'nd  I  was  shet  up  vdth 
thet  man  fur  two  mortal  weeks.  But  then, 
they're  'bout  all  alike — they  can't  bear  nothin' 
—none  of  'em." 

"You  don't  think  much  of  the  men,  do  you, 
Aunt  Patience  ? '  asked  Bessie,  smiling. 

"Lor'  sakes!  No!  I  don't  take  no  stock  in 
*em.  It's  always  ben  a  wonderment  to  me  what 
they  was  made  for,  but  like  musketoes  'nd  lice,  I 
s'pose  'twas  fur  some  good  purpose.  Yes,  I've 
often  thought  what  a  peacable  time  we  should 
hev  of  it,  if  'twan't  for  the  men." 

"Why,  Aunt  Patience!"  laughed  Bessie,  "I 
am  sure  I  don't  see  what  we  could  do  without 
them.  I  think  they  are  just  splendid !  But 
what  did  induce  you  to  marry,  if  you  hate  the 
men  so?" 

"I  never  should,  child,  ef  I  hedn't  bon  so 
tender-hearted.  It  always  was  my  Avorst  fault. 
I  had  beaux  a  plenty  when  I  was  your  age,  jest 
because  I  was  so  sarsy  'nd  aggravatin';  but  I 


80  COMIC  RECITATIONS. 

wouldn't  liev  none  of  'em,  'nd  when  I  got  nigh 
on  to  thirty  they  give  it  up." 

''What  a  reiief  it  must  have  been,  Aunt!" 

"Yes,  'twas.  I  calculated  then  I  could  hev  a 
little  peace;  but  law  sakes!  it  didn't  last  long, 
fur  jest  about  thet  time  who  should  buy  the 
Deacon  Sikes'  place,  and  move  inter  the  neigh- 
borhood, but  Jonas  Pettybone. ' ' 

"Did  he  fall  in  love  at  first  sight?"  laughed 
saucy  Bessie. 

' '  Goodness,  no !  I  reckon  he  didn  't  know  much 
about  love.  I  never  thought  he  was  over  and 
above  smart,  'nd  he  was  dredful  shitless.  But 
there  was  one  thing  that  he  was  a  master-hand 
at,  'nd  that  was  eatin'.  You  hain't  no  idee  what 
a  sight  of  victuals  it  took  to  do  him.  Why,  I  've 
seen  him  set  down  'nd  eat  a  hull  panful  of 
doughnuts,  'nd  a  half  a  pie  besides,  fur  lunch, 
'nd  then  git  up  'nd  say  he  felt  as  holler  as  a 
punkin. ' ' 

"How  did  you  happen  to  marry  him.  Aunt 
Patience !    Do  tell  me  about  it, ' '  persisted  Bessie. 

' '  'Taint  no  use  to  revive  that  old  story,  it 's  too 
redikilous;  besides  you  hain't  ready  to  die,  are 
you?" 

"^\^lat  do  you  mean,  Aunt  Patience?"  asked 
Bessie,  wonderingly. 

"You  might  die  laughin'  ef  I  should  tell  you; 
I  didn't  but  just  survive  it,  'nd  besides,  the 
poor  man's  dead  'nd  gone,  'nd  long's  I  don't 
hev  to  provide  fur  him,  I  hadn  't  ought  to  grudge 
him  the  pleasure  he  got  out  o'  m>y  doughnuts. 
No.    I  hain't  a-goin'  to  bring  up  anything  agin 


SELECTED  READINGS.  81 

him  now — 'tain't  right;  you  needn't  ask  me." 

"Oh,  please  do  tell  me  why  you  married  him, 
Aunt  Patience— that's  a  darling,"  urged  Bes- 
sie. 

' '  He  was  a  dreadful  moderate  man, ' '  resumed 
Aunt  Patience.  "I  used  to  tell  him  an  earth- 
quake wouldn't  start  him.  I  never  see  him  in  a 
hurry  but  once.  Oh,  dear !  'twas  enough  to  kill 
anybody— the  way  he  shot  'round  thet  kitchin." 

"Please  tell  me — "  began  Bess. 

"Well,  well,  do  Avait  till  I  get  to  it,"  inter- 
rupted Aunt  Patience,  impatiently.  "I  ain't  no 
talker,  an'  it  takes  some  time  to  git  ready  to 
begin.  But  I'm  comin'  to  the  main  point  right 
away.  You  see  he  come  in  one  day  to  borrow 
somethin' — they  Pettybones  was  alius  borrowin' 
shiftless  set — 'nd  I  was  a-fryin'  doughnuts,  'nd 
he  got  a  taste  of  'em.  Of  course  I  hed  to  offer 
him  one,  when  he  sot  there  lookin'  so  wishful 
like.  But  I  wish,  for  the  land's  sake,  I  hedn't, 
fur  it  created  a  hankerin'  for  'em  which  lasted 
as  long  as  he  lived.  And  I  hain't  no  idee  but 
what  'twas  them  that  carried  him  off  at  last. ' ' 

"Doughnuts?  Aunt  Patience,  how  could 
they?"  asked  Bessie. 

"He  was  took  dowTi  in  hayin'-time,  you  see— 
he  hedn't  no  more  calc'lation  than  that— with 
a  fever.  If  it  hed  ben  me,  I  shouldn't  have 
minded  nothin'  about  it;  but  he  was  so  lazy  he'd 
give  right  up  to  any  little  thing  'nd  think  he 
was  a-goin'  to  die;  'nd  finally  he  did  worry 
himself  into  a  regular  fever.  Goodness!  how 
I  did  work  over  that  man.     I  !?\vent  him  and 


82  COMIC  RECITATIONS. 

give  him  arbs  enough  to  cure  a  sick  cow,  'nd 
after  a  while  he  begun  to  pick  up.  The  first 
thing  he  begun  to  think  about,  of  course,  was 
eatin'.  I  made  him  gruel  'nd  beef  tea  by  the 
bucketful,  but  Jonas  said  'they  didn't  begin  to 
make  no  impression  on  him. '  One  day  I  was 
a-fryin'  doughnuts  'nd  Jonas  smelt  'em,  'nd 
says  he :  '  Patience,  I  can 't  stand  this  no  longer ; 
I  've  gotto  have  some  doughnuts,  whether  or  no. ' 
'Jonas  PcLtybone,'  says  I,  'be  you  crazy?  You 
hain't  a-goin'  to  hev  no  sign  of  no  doughnuts.'. 
Then  I  took  my  bonnet  and  went  up  in  the 
garden  to  git  some  sass  for  dinner,  'nd  when  I 
come  back  the  first  thing  I  heard  was  Jonas 
a-groanin'.  I  sot  down  my  sass  and  went  into 
the  pantry,  and  what  do  you  think?  Out  o' 
that  hull  pan  of  doughnuts  that  I'd  fried,  there 
wan 't  one  left. ' ' 

"You  don't  mean—"  gasped  Bessie. 

' '  Yes,  I  see  in  a  minute  there  wan 't  no  chance 
fur  him,  but  twan't  my  way  to  keep  throwin' 
folks'  sins  in  their  faces;  and  I  thought  to  my- 
self I  would  never  say  nothin'  'bout  it  to  Jonas 
ef  he  didn't  to  me;  and  he  didn't.  But  then 
I  hain't  no  kind  of  doubt  but  what  t'was  them 
doughnuts  that  killed  the  poor  creeter." 

"You  must  have  felt  dreadfully.  Aunt  Pa- 
tience," said  sympathizing  Bessie. 

"Yes ;  'tAvas  enough  to  make  me  down  sick,  fur 
you  see  I  had  to  go  and  make  another  batch  of 
doughnuts  before  diner.  It  did  seem  as  if  thet 
man  hedn't  no  compassion  on  me;"  and  the  dear 
woman  laid  dovv-n  her  knitting  with  a  sigh. 


SELECTED  READINGS.  83 

"But.  Aunt  Patience,  you  haven't  told  me 
why  you  married  him, ' '  broke  in  Bess. 

"I'm  a-comin'  to  it  bimeby— you  don't  give 
me  no   chance,     Lemme  see.     I've   dropped  a 
Btitch  somewhere— oh,  here  'tis.    Wall,  as  I  was 
saying,   'twas  in  hajnn'  time,  'nd  we  hed  a  lot 
of  men-folks,  'nd  mother  says  to  me,  'Patience,' 
sas  she,  'what  air  we  goin'  to  do?    We  hain't 
but  one  pie  in  the  house.'    And  says  I,  'Never 
mind,  ma,  I'll  stir  up  a  batch  o'  my  doughnuts. 
The  men-folks   'drether  hev   'em  than  pie  any 
time.'    'Wall,'  seys  she,  'I  wash  you  would,  and 
I'll  jest  run  over  and  carry  Widder  Spinney  a 
bowl  o'  my  jell'— she  don't  hev  no  appetite,  'nd 
it  may  give  her  a  start.'    So  I  sot  on  the  kittle— 
'twas  one  o'  them  big,  round,  shaller  ones— and 
I  got  a  hull  pan  of  cakes  made  ready  to  fry, 
when  I  happened  to  look  out  and  I  saw  Jonas' 
shadder  turnin'  the  corner  of  the  house,  'nd  says 
I  to  myself,  'Now,  I  hain't  a-goin'  to  fry  up 
a  lot  a'  doughnuts  this  not  day  for  that  feller 
to  gobble  down— no  such  a  thing.'    So  i  grabbed 
otf  the  kittle  of  bilin'  fat  'nd  s^t  it  down  on  an 
old  stool  I  kep'  to  set  the  stove  leds  on  when  I 
w^as  cookin',  'nd  I  jest  clapped  a  newspaper  over 
the  top  as  Jonas  opened  the  door.    '  Good-morn- 
in','  say^  I,   quite   cheerful  like— I   alius   was 
blessed  with  a  cheerful  disposition  by  natur— 
'Wont  you  take  a  cheer?'  says  I.     'No,  thank 
ye,'  says  he,  'I  can't  stop.    I  was  jest  a-goin'  by 
en'  I  thought  I  'd  drop  in  a  minnit  and  see  how 
your  folks  all  was.'  " 

"Did  he  propose.  Aunt  Patience?"  asked  ir- 


84  COMIC  RECITATIONS. 

repressible  Bessie. 

"He  'peared  dreadful  frustrated,"  contin- 
ued Aunt  Patience,  not  heeding  the  interrup- 
tion except  by  a  severe  look  at  Bessie,  " 'nd  I 
knew  in  a  minute  he'd  srot  soiliethin'  on  his 
mind,  so  I  kep'  a-talkin'  and  he  kep'  fiidgitin' 
roun.  'til  after  a  while  he  broke  out  sort  of 
discouraged  like,  says  he: 

"  'Patience,  you  hain't  no  idee  how  lonesome 
'tis  over  to  our  house  with  no  wimen  folks  round 
to  talk  to;  seems  like  livin'  in  a  tomb.' 

"  'Hain't  your  Aunt  Marandy  a-keepin' 
house  for  you?'  says  I, 

"  'Yes,'  says  he,  'but  she's  so  pesKy  cross  a 
feller  can't  take  no  comfort  with  her.  Beside 
she  dunno  how  to  make  doughnuts— she  can't 
make  no  doughnuts  that  wouldn  't  sour  on  a  pig 's 
stomach.  There  ain't  nobody  that  kin  come 
up  nigh  to  you,'  says  he,  'a-makin'  them  deli 
cious  compounds.  They  make  my  mouth  water 
every  time  I  think  of  'em.  Won't  you  come 
over  and  make  doughnuts  for  me?  You  hain't 
no  idee  how  much  I  set  by  ye.  Patience;'  and 
jest  as  he  said  that,  he  edged  along  and  sot 
down  square  into  that  kettle  of  bilin '  fat ! 

"Tnere  hain't  no  pen  taat  could  describe  the 
look  f  despair  and  mortification  that  came  over 
h.s  coantenance  as  he  popped  up  agin!  It's 
come  acr.  ss  me,  time  and  again,  at  funerals  and 
sich  like  solemn  places,  and  I've  hed  to  stuff  my 
handkerchief  in  my  mouth,  and  put  my  head 
down  on  +he  seat  in  front  and  shake  all  over  to 
keep  in  from   laughing   right    out.     I've    alius 


SELECTED  READINGS.  85 

hoped  mourners  would  think  I  was  a-ciyin'; 
but  I  dunno,  I  coukln't  a  helped  it  if  it  hed 
saved  me  from  the  gallus,  any  mor'n  I  could  at 
the  time  on't. 

"I  laughed  'til  there  wan't  no  more  strength 
in  me  then  there  is  in  skim  milk.  I  laughed  'til 
I  cried;  the  tears  was  just  streamin'  down  my 
face;  'nd  all  the  time  he  was  a  tearing  round 
thet  kitchen  'nd  cuttin'  up  more  antics  than 
you  ever  see  a  clown  do  at  a  circus.  After  all, 
I  couldn't  help  pityin'  him — I  alius  was  tender- 
hearted—  'nd  besides  I  kinder  blamed  myself  for 
gettin'  the  poor  creeter  into  such  a  fix.  So  as 
soon  as  I  could  get  myself  together  'nd  git 
breath  enough,  I  says  to  him,  says  I,  'For  good- 
ness sake,  Jonas  Pettybone !  the  neighbors  will 
think  I'm  murderin'  you.  Ef  you'll  hush  up 
and  go  home  peaceably,  and  not  make  no  more 
fuss,  I  dunno,  mebbe,  I  may  in  time  be  per- 
suaded to  marry  ye.  Mind  I  don't  say  sartin'/ 
says  I,  'but  I'll  think  about  it.' 

"You  ought  to  see  what  an  effect  it  hed  on 
the  feller!  He  stopped  his  prancin'  in  a  min- 
ute, 'nd  quited  down  as  meek  an  a  lamb,  'nd  he 
even  tried  to  smile,  as  he  clapped  on  his  hat  'nd 
sneaked  out  the  door  without  another  word. 
Pretty  quick  ma  came  in,   'nd  says  she  to  me: 

*  *  '  What  on  arth  is  the  matter.  Patience  ?  You 
look  as  if  you'd  ben  through  a  coffee-mill!'  Says 
I  to  her,  'That's  jest  the  way  I  feel.'  Then  I 
told  her  about  Jonas,  but  instid  of  goin'  into 
convulsions  of  laughter  as  I  expected,  she  sot 
down  with  a  sigh,  and  says  she,  'Well,  tis  a  pity, 


86  COMIC  RECITATIONS. 

that's  a  fact,  but  you  no  need  to  cry  your  eyes 
out,  tain't  a  dead  loss,  we  ken  use  it  for  soap- 
grease.' 

"  'Oh!  says  I,  'I  hain't  agoin'  to  waste  all 
thet  fat  I  can  tell  ye,  I'm  jest  agoin'  to  fry 
■them  doughnuts  in  it;  the  men-folks  won't  never 
know  no  difference!" 

"Were  they  good?"  asked  Bess,  with  the 
tears  runing  down  her  cheeks. 

"Good?  I  never  made  no  sich  doughnuts  in 
all  my  born  days,  before  or  sense.  They  was 
light  as  a  feather,  and  men-folks  praised  'em  up, 
'nd  said  I  was  'the  beateree  fur  makin'  dough- 
nuts of  anybody  they  evr  see.' 

"Yis,  they  was  prime  doughnuts,  'nd  no  mis- 
take, but  I  didn't  eat  any." 

"So  you  concluded  to  marry  him,  did  you?" 
asked  Bessie. 

' '  Yis,  I  hed  to, ' '  answered  Aunt  Patience,  with 
a  sigh,  "Jonas  said  if  I  didn't  he'd  sue  me  for 
damages.  So  I  tell  yer,  child,  gettin'  married 
is  all  a  humbug." 

And  having  freed  her  mind.  Aunt  Patience 
rolled  up  her  knitting,  and  betook  herself  to 
bed. 


MARK  TWAIN  TELLS  AN  ANECDOTE  ON 

A.  WARD. 

As  Artemus  was  once  traveling  in  the  cars, 
dreading  to  be  bored,  and  feeling  miserable,  a 
mfiii  approached  inm,  sat  down,  and  said:  — 


SELECTED  READINGS.  87 

* '  Did  you  hear  that  last  thing  on  Horace  Gree- 
ley?" 

"Greeley,  Greeley?"  said  Artemus,  "Horace 
Lrreeley  ?    Who  is  he  ? " 

The  man  was  quiet  about  tive  minutes.  Pretty 
soon  he  said: — 

"George  Francis  Train  is  kicking  up  a  good 
deal  of  a  row  over  in  England.  Do  you  think 
they  will  put  him  in  a  bastile?" 

"Train?  Train?  George  Francis  Train?" 
said  Artemus,  solemnly,  "I  never  heard  of  him." 

This  ignorance  kept  the  man  quiet  fifteen  min- 
utes, then  he  said: — 

"AYhat  do  you  think  about  General  Grant's 
cl.ances  for  the  Presidency?  Do  think  they  will 
run  him?" 

" "  Grant  ?  Grant  ?  hang  it,  man, ' '  said  Artemus, 
"you  appear  to  know  more  strangers  than  any 
man  I  ever  saw." 

The  man  was  furious.  He  walked  off,  but 
at  last  came  back  and  said: — 

"You  confounded  ignoramus,  did  you  ever 
hear  of  Adam?" 

Artemus  looked  up  and  said : — 

•  •  What  was  his  other  name  ? ' ' 


THE  HYPOCHONDRIAC. 

Good  morning,  Doctor;  how  do  you  do?  I 
haint  quite  so  well  as  I  have  be^n;  but  I  think 
I'm  some  better  than  I  was.  I  don  t  think  that 
last  medicine  you  gin  me  did  me  much  good.    I 


88  COMIC  RECITATIONS. 

had  a  terrible  time  with  the  ear-ache  last  night; 
my  wife  got  up  and  drapt  a  few  draps  of  walnut 
sap  into  it,  and  that  relieved  it  some;  but  I 
didn't  get  a  wink  of  sleep  till  nearly  daylight. 
For  nearly  a  week,  Doctor,  I've  had  the  worst 
kind  of  a  nervous  headache ;  it  has  been  so  bad 
sometimes  that  I  thought  my  head  would  bust 
open.  Oh.  dear !  I  sometimes  think  I  'm  the  most 
afflictedest  human  that  ever  lived. 

Since  this  cold  weather  sot  in,  that  trouble- 
some cough,  that  I  have  had  every  winter  for 
the  last  fifteen  years,  has  began  to  pester  me 
agin.  (Coughs.)  Doctor,  do  you  think  you 
can  give  me  anything  that  will  relieve  this  des- 
prit  pain  I  have  in  my  side  ? 

Then  I  have  a  crick,  at  times,  in  the  back  of 
my  neck,  so  that  I  can't  turn  my  head  without 
turning  the  hull  of  my  body.     (Coughs.) 

Oh,  dear !  What  shall  I  do !  I  have  consulted 
almost  every  doctor  in  the  country,  but  they 
don't  any  of  them  seem  to  understand  my  case. 
I  have  tried  everything  that  I  could  think  of; 
but  I  can't  find  anything  that  does  me  the  least- 
est  good.     (Coughs.) 

Oh  this  cough— it  will  be  the  death  of  me  yet ; 
You  know  I  had  my  right  hip  put  out  last  fall 
at  the  rising  of  Deacon  Jones'  saw  mill;  its  get- 
ting to  be  very  troublesome  just  before  we  have 
a  change  of  weather.  Then  I've  got  the  sciatica 
in  my  right  knee,  and  sometimes  I  'm  so  crippled 
up  that  I  can  hardly  erawl  round  in  any  fashion. 

What  do  you  think  that  old  white  mare  of 
ours  did  while  I  was  out  plowing  last  week? 


SELECTED  READINGS.  <^9 

Why,  the  weaeked  old  critter,  she  kept  a  backing 
and  backing,  on  till  she  back  'd  me  right  up  agin 
the  colter,  and  knock 'd  a  piece  of  skin  off  my 
shin  nearly  so  big.     (Coughs.) 

But  I  had  a  worse  misfortune  than  that  the 
other  day,  Doctor.  You  see  it  was  washing  day 
—and  my  wife  wanted  me  to  go  out  and  bring 
in  a  little  stove- wood— you  kuoAv  we  lost  our 
help  lately,  and  my  wife  has  to  wash  and  tend 
to  everything  about  the  house  herself. 

I  knew  it  Avouldn't  be  safe  for  me  to  go  out 
—as  it  was  a  raining  at  the  time— but  I  thought 
I'd  risk  it  any  how.  So  I  went  out,  pick 'd  up 
a  few  chunks  of  stove-wood,  and  was  a  coming 
up  the  steps  into  the  house,  Avhen  my  feet  slipp  'd 
from  under  me,  and  I  fell  do^\Ti  as  sudden  as 
if  I'd  been  shot.  Some  of  the  wood  lit  upon  my 
face,  broke  down  the  bridge  of  my  nose,  cut  my 
upper  lip,  and  knock 'd  out  three  of  my  front 
teeth.  I  suffered  dreadfully  on  account  of  it, 
as  you  may  suppose,  and  my  face  ain't  well 
enough  yet  to  make  me  fit  to  be  seen,  specially 
by  the  women  folks.  (Coughs.)  Oh,  dear!  but 
that  ain't  all,  Doctor,  I've  got  fifteen  corns  on 
my  toes— and  I'm  afraid  I'm  a  going  to  have 
the  * '  yaller  janders. ' '     ( Coughs. ) 


NEBUCHADNEZZAH. 


You,  Nebuchadnezzah,  whoa,  sah! 
Whar  is  you  tryin'  to  go,  sah? 
I  'd  hab  you  for  to  know,  sah, 


90  COMIC  RECITATIONS. 

I's  holdin'  ob  de  lines. 
You  'd  better  stop  dat  prancin ' ; 
You's  pow'ful  fond  ob  dancin'; 
But  I  bet  my  yeah's  advancin' 
Dat  I'll  cure  you  ob  your  shines. 

Look  heah,  mule!  better  min'  out — 
Fus'  t'ing  you  know,  you'll  fin'  out 
How  quick  I'll  wear  this  line  out 

On  your  ugly,  stubbo  'n  back. 
You  needn't  try  to  steal  up, 
An'  lif  dat  precious  heel  up; 
You's  got  to  plough  this  fiel'  up, 
You  has,  sah,  for  a  fac'. 

Dar,  dat's  de  way  to  do  it! 
He's  comin'  right  down  to  it; 
Jes'  waien  nim  ploughin'  throo  it; 

Dis  nigger  ain't  no  fool. 
Some  folks  dey  would  'a  beat  him — 
iSlow  dat  would  only  heat  him — 
I  know  jes'  how  to  treat  him — 

You  must  reason  wid  a  mule. 

He  minds  me  like  a  nigger; 
If  he  was  only  bigger 
He'd  fotch  a  mighty  figger, 

He  would,  I  tell  you!  Yes,  sah! 
See  how  he  keeps  a'clickin', 
He's  as  gentle  as  a  chicken, 
An'  nebber  thinks  ob  kickin' — 
Woa,  doll!    Nehiichadnezzah. 
Is  dis  heah  me,  or  not  me? 


SELECTED  READINGS.  91 

Or  is  de  debble  got  me? 
Was  dat  a  cannon  shot  me? 

Hab  I  laid  heah  mor  'n  a  week  ? 
Dat  mule  do  kick  amazin'— 
De  beast  was  spiled  in  raisin' — 
But  now  I  'pect  he's  grazin' 

On  de  oder  side  de  creek. 

Edwin  Russell. 


HANS  BREITMANN'S  PARTY. 

Hans  Breitmann  gife    a   party;  dey  had  piano 

pi  ay  in'. 
I  felled. in  lofe  mit  a  Merican  frau;  her  name 

vas  Matilda  Yane. 
She  had  haar  as  prown  as  a  pretzel  bun ;  her  eyes 

were  himmel  blue; 
And  ven  she  looket  into    mine  she  shplit  mine 

heart  into  two. 

Hans  Breitmann  gife  a  party:  I  vent  dar,  you"l! 

pe  proud. 
I  valtzed  mit  der  Matilda  Yane,  and  vent  shpin- 

nin'  round  and  round, — 
De  pootiest  fraulein  in  de  house:  she  weighed 

two  hoondert  pound. 

Hans  Breitmann  gife  a  party:  I  tells  you  it  cost 

him  dear. 
Dey  rolit  in  more  as  seven   kegs   of   foost-rate 

lager  bier. 
And  fenefer   dey   knocks    de    shpickets    in,  de 

Deutschers  gife  a  cheer; 


92  COMIC  RECITATIONS. 

I  dinks  so  fine  a  party  not  come  to  a  head  dis 
year. 

Hans  Breitmann  gif  e  a  party :  dere  vas  Saus  and 
Brans, 

Ven  de  sooper  eoom  in,  de  gompany  did  make 
demselfs  to  house; 

Dey  eat  das  Brod  und  Gansebrust,  Bratwurst, 
und  Broten  fine, 

And  vash  deir  Abendessen  down  mit  four  bar- 
rels of  Neckar  wein. 

Hans  Breitmann  gife  a  party:  ve  all  cot  trunk 

as  pigs, 
I  put  mine  mout '  to  a  parrel  of  bier,  and  schwal- 

lowed  up  mit  a  schwigs. 
And  den  I  kissed  Matilda  Yane,  and  she  schlog 

me  on  de  kop ; 
And  de  gompany  fight  mit  taple  legs  till  de  con- 

shtople  made  us  shtop. 

Hans  Breitmann  gife  a  party :  vere  is  dat  party 

now? 
Vere  is  de  lofely  golten   cloud  dat  float  on  de 

mountain's  prow? 
Vere  is  de  Himmelstrahlende  Stern,  de  star  of 

de  spirits'  light? 
All  goned    afay  mit  de  lager-bier,    afay  in  de 
Ewigkeit.  Chaeles  G.  Leland. 


SELECTED  READINGS.  93 

THE  IRISH  PRILOSOPHER. 
Ladies  and  Gentlemen— I  see  so  many  foine 
lookin'  people  sittin'  before  me,  that,  if  you'll 
excuse  me,  I'll  be  afther  takin'  a  seat  meself. 
You  don't  know  me,  I'm  thinkin',  as  some  of  yees 
'ud  be  noddin'  to  me  afore  this.  I'm  a  walkin' 
pedestrian,    a    travelim'    philosopher.       Terry 

0  'Mulligan 's  me  name.  I 'm  from  Dublin,  where 
many  philosophers  before  me  was  raised  and 
bred.  Oh,  philosophy  is  a  foine  study !  I  don 't 
know  any  thing  about  it,  but  it's  a  foine  study. 
Before  I  kim  over  I  attended  an  important  meet- 
in'  of  philosophers  in  Dublin;  and  the  discussin' 
and  talkin'  you'd  hear  there  about  the  world 
'ud  warm  the  very  heart  of  Socrates  or  Aristotle 
himself.  Well,  there  was  a  great  many  immi- 
nent and  learned  miJi  there  at  the  meetin',  and 

1  was  there  too;  and  while  we  was  in  the  very 
thickest  of  a  heated  argument,  one  comes  to  me, 
and  says  he,  ''Do  you  know  what  we're  talkin' 
about?""— "I  do,"  says  I,  "but  I  don't  under- 
stand yees."— "Could  ye  explain  the  sun's  mo- 
tion around  the  earth?"  says  he.  "I  could," 
says  I,  "but  I'd  not  know  could  you  understand 
or  not."— Well,"  says  he,  "we'll  see,"  says  he. 
Sure'n  I  didn't  know  anything  how  to  get  out  of 
it  then,  so  I  piled  in;  "for,"  says  I  to  meself, 
"never  let  on  to  any  one  that  you  don't  know 
anything,  but  make  them  believe  that  you  know 
all  about  it."  So  says  I  to  him,  takin'  up  me 
shillelah  this  way  (holding  a  very  crooked  stick 
perpendicular),  "We'll  take  that  for  the  straight 
line  of  the  earth's  equator"— how's  that  for  ge- 


94  COMIC  RECITATIONP^. 

ography?  (to  the  audience).  Ah,  that  was 
straight  till  the  other  day  I  i)ent  it  in  an  argu- 
ment. ' '  Wery  good, ' '  says  he.  ' '  "Well, ' '  says  I, 
*'now  the  sun  rises  in  the  east"  (placing  the  dis- 
engaged hand  at  the  eastern  end  of  the  stick). 
Well,  he  couldn  't  deny  that.  ' '  And  when  he  gets 
up,  he 

Darts  his  rosy  beams — 
Through  the  mornin'  gleams," 

Do  you  mind  the  poetry  there  ?  ( to  the  audi- 
ence, with  a  smile.)  "And  he  keeps  on  risin' 
and  risin '  till  he  reaches  his  meriden. "  "  What 's 
that?"  says  he.  "His  dinner- toime, "  says  I; 
"sure'n  that's  my  Latin  for  dinner-toime ;  and 
when  he  gets  his  dinner 

He  sinks  to  rest— 

Behind  the  glorious  hills  of  the  west." 

On,  begorra,  there's  more  poetry!  I  fale  it 
creepin'  out  all  over  me.  "There,"  says  I,  well 
satisfied  with  myself;  "will  that  do  for  ye?"— 
"You  haven't  got  done  with  him  yet,"  says  he. 
"Done  with  him!"  says  I,  kinder  mad  like; 
"what  more  do  you  want  me  to  do  with  him? 
Didn't  I  bring  him  from  the  east  to  the  west? 
What  more  do  you  want?"— "Oh,"  says  he, 
' '  you  '11  have  to  bring  him  back  again  to  the  east 
to  rise  next  mornin'."  By  St.  Patrick!  and 
wasn't  I  near  betrayin'  my  ignorance!  Sure'n 
I  thought  there  was  a  large  family  of  suns,  and 
they  rise  one  after  the  other.  But  I  gathered 
meself  quick,  and  says  I  to  him,  "Well,"  says  1, 
"I'm  surprised  you  axed  me  that  simple  ques- 


SELECTED  READINGS.  95 

tion;  I  thought  any  man  ud  know,"  says  I, 
"when  the  sun  sinks  to  rest  in  the  west— when 
the  sun"— says  I,  "You  said  that  before,"  says 
he.  "Well,  I  want  to  press  it  stronger  upon 
you, ' '  say  I.  ' '  When  the  sun  sinks  to  rest  in  the 
east — no,  west — why,  he— why  he  waits  till  it 
grows  dark,  and  then  he  goes  hack  in  the  noighU 
time.'* 


DER  DRUMMER. 


Who  puts  oup  at  der  pest  hotel, 
Und  dakes  his  oysters  on  der  sehell, 
Und  mit  der  f  rauleins  cuts  a  schwel  ? 
Der  drummer. 

Who  vas  it  gomes  indo  mine  schtore, 
Drows  dovm  his  pundles  on  der  vloor, 
Und  nefer  sehtops  to  shut  der  door? 
Der  drummer. 

Who  dakes  me  by  der  handt,  unt  say, 
"Hans  Pfeiffer,  hoAV  you  vas  to-day?" 
Und  goes  for  peesnis  righd  avay? 
Der  drummer. 

Who  spreads  his  zamples  in  a  trice, 
Und  dells  me,  "Look,  und  see  how  nice  !'* 
Und  says  I  gets  "der  bottom  price"? 
Der  drummer. 

Who  says  der  tings  vas  eggstra  vine — 


96  COMIC  RECITATIONS. 

*  *  Vrom  Sharmany,  ubon  der  Rhine, '  *— 
Und  sheats  me  den  dimes  out  of  nine  ? 
Der  drummer. 

Who  dells  how  sheap  der  goots  vas  bought, 
Mooch  less  as  vat  I  gould  imbort, 
But  lets  dem  go  as  he  "vas  short? 
Der  drummer. 

Who  varrants  all  der  goots  to  suit 
Der  gustomers  ubon  his  route? — 
Und  ven  dey  gomes  dey  vas  no  goot — 
Der  drummer. 

Who  gomes  aroundt  ven  I  been  oudt, 
Drinks  oup  my  bier,  and  eats  mine  kraut, 
Und  kiss  Katrina  in  der  mout  ? 
Der  drummer. 

Who,  ven  he  gomes  again  dis  vay, 
Vill  hear  vot  Pfeiffer  has  to  say, 
Und  mit  a  plack  eye  goes  avay  ? 
Dot  drummer. 

Charles  F.  Adams. 


WHEN  I  WAS  TEN  AND  SHE  WAS  FIF- 
TEEN. 

Ah,  me !  how  fair  I  thought  her 
She  treated  me  with  disdainful  mien 

The  homage  that  I  brought  her, 
And  m  a  patronizing  way 


SELECTED  READINGS.  97 

Would  of  my  shy  advances  say: 
"It's  really  quite  absurd,  you  see; 

He's  very  much  too  young  for  me." 
I'm  twenty  now,  she  twenty-five— 

Well,  w^ll,  how  old  she's  growing. 
I  fancy  that  my  suit  might  thrive 

If  pressed  again,  but  owing 
To  great  discrepancy  in  age, 

Her  marked  attentions  don 't  engage 
My  young  affections,  for,  you  see, 

She 's  really  quite  too  old  for  me. 


THE  OLD  OAKEN  BUCKET-PARODY. 


How  dear  to  my  heart  are  the  scenes  of  my  child- 
hood. 
When  fond  recollections  present  them  to  view ! 
The  cheese-press,  the  goose-pond,  the  pigs  in  the 
wild-wood. 
And  every  old  stump  that  my  infancy  knew. 
The  big  linkum  basswood,  \nth  wide-spreading 
shadow  , 
The  horses  that  grazed  where  my  grandmother 
fell; 
The  sheep  on  the  mountain,  the   calves   in  the 
meadow. 
And  all  the  young  kittens  we  drowned  in  the 
well — 
The  meek  little  kittens,  the  milk-loving  kittens. 
The  poor  little  kittens,  we  drowned  in  the  well. 

I  remember  with  pleasure  my  grandfather's  gog- 
gles. 


98  COMIC  RECITATIONS. 

Wliich  rode  so  majestic  astraddle  his  nose; 
And  the  harness,  oft  mended  with  toe-string  and 
''toggles,"  P        .        1, 

That  belonged  to  old  Dolly,  now  free  from  her 
woes. 
And  fresh  in  my  heart  is  the  long  maple  wood- 
pile 
Where   'often  I've    worked    with    beetle  and 
wedge,  . 

Striving  to  whack  up  enough  to  last  for  a  good 
while, 
And  grumbling  because  my   old  axe   had  ao 
edge. 
And  there  was  the  kitchen,  and  pump  that  stood 
nigh  it,  . 

Where  we  sucked  up  the  drink  through  a  quill 
in  the  spout. 
And  the  hooks  where  we  hung  up  the  pumpkni 

And  the  old  cider  pitcher,    "no    doing  with- 

The  brown  earthen  pitcher,  the  nozzle-crack  id 

pitcher,  ,, 

The  pain-easing  pitcher,  "no  doing  without. 

And  there  was  the  schoolhouse,  away  from  each 
dwelling,  •  i      u 

Where  schoolma'ams  would  govern  with  ab- 
solute sway;  -,.  1 
Who  taught  me  my  "  'rithmetic,"  reading  and 
spelling 
And  ' '  whaled  me  like  blazes"  about  every  day ! 
I  remember  the  ladder  that  swung  in  the  passag'^. 


SELECTED  READINGS.  99 

Which  led  to  the  loft  in  the  peak  of  the  house ; 

"Where  my  grandmother  hung  up  her  "pumpkin 

and  sausage," 

To  keep    them  away  from   the  rat    and    the 

mouse. 

But  now,  far  removed  from  the  nook  of  creation, 

Emotions  of  grief  big  as  tea-kettles  swell, 
"When  Fancy  rides  back  to  my  old  habitation. 
And  think  of  the  kittens  we  drowoied  in  the 
well — 
The  dear  little  kitties,  the  sweet  little  kitties, 
The  poor  little  kitties,  we  drowned  in  the  well. 


ONLY  A  PIN. 


Only  a  pin,  yet  it  calmly  lay. 
On  the  carpeted  floor  in  the  light  of  day ! 
And  shone  serene  and  clear  and  bright, 
Reflecting  back  the  noon-day  light. 

Only  a  boy,  yet  he  saw  that  pin. 
And    *s  face  assumed  a  fiendish  grin, 
He  stooped  for  a  while,  with  look  intent, 
Till  he  and  the  pin  alike  were  bent. 

Only  a  chair,  but  upon  its  seat 
A  well-bent  pin  found  safe  retreat; 
Nor  could  the  keenest  eye  discern 
That  heavenward  its  point  did  turn. 

Only  a  man,  but  he  chanced  to  drop 

Upon  that  chair;  when— bang!  whiz!  pop! 


100  COMIC  RECITATIONS. 

Like  a  cork  from  a  bottle  of  champagne 
He  bounded  right  up  from  that  chair  again. 

Only  a  yell,  but  an  honest  one, 
It  lacked  the  remotest  idea  of  fun ; 
And  the  man  and  boy,  and  pin  and  chair, 
In  close  communion  mingled  there. 

Only  the  pin  out  of  all  the  four 
Alone  no  trace  of  damage  bore; 
The  man  was  mad  and  dreadfully  sore; 
He  lathered  the  boy  behind  and  before. 

The  chair  lay  smashed  upon  the  floor, 
Its  seat  was  not  hurt,  but  the  boy  was  raw. 

I.  H.  Brown. 

*Recited  with  great  success  as  an  encore  by 
Miss  Edythe  L.  Brown. 


TOTAL  ANNIHILATION. 


Oh!  he  was  a  bowery  boot-black  bold, 
And  his  years  they  numbered  nine. 

Rough  and  unpolished  was  he,  albeit. 
He    constantly  aimed  to  shine. 

As  proud  as  a  king  on  his  box  he  sat, 

I\Iunching  an  apple  red, 
While  the  boys  of  his  set  looked  wistfully  or 

And,  * '  Give  me  a  bite ! ' '  they  said. 


SELECTED  READINGS.  101 


But  the  boot-black  smiled  a  lordly  smile, 

' '  No  free  bites  here ! "  he  cried. 
And  the  boys,  they  sadly  walked  away, 

Save  one,  who  stood  at  his  side. 

' '  Bill,  give  us  the  core, ' '  he  whispered  low, 
That  boot-black  smiled  once  more, 

And  a  mischievous  dimple  grew  in  his  cheek— 
* '  There  ain  't  goin '  to  be  no  core ! ' ' 

Mary  D.  Brine. 


IVm.  CAUDLE  AND  HIS  SECOND  WIFE. 

When  Harry  Prettyman  saw  the  very  superb 
funeral  of  Mrs.  Caudle— Prettyman  attended  as 
mourner,  and  was  particularly  jolly  in  the  coach 
—he  observed  that  the  disconsolate  widower 
showed,  that,  above  all  men,  he  knew  how  to  make 
the  best  of  a  bad  bargain.  The  remark,  as  the 
dear  deceased  would  have  said,  was  unmanly, 
brutal,  but  quite  like  that  Prettyman.  The  same 
scoffer,  when  Caudle  declared  "he  should  never 
cease  to  weep;"  replied,  "he  was  very  sorry  to 
hear  it;  for  it  must  raise  the  price  of  onions.'' 
It  was  not  enough  to  help  to  break  the  heart  of 
a  wife ;  no,  the  savage  must  joke  over  its  precious 
pieces. 

The  funeral,  we  repeat,  was  remarkably  hand- 
some; in  Prettyman 's  words,  nothing  could  be 
more  satisfactory.  Caudle  spoke  of  a  monu- 
ment. Whereupon  Prettyman  suggested  "Death 


102  COMIC  RECITATIONS. 

gathering  a  nettle."  Caudle— the  act  did  equal 
honor  to  his  brain  and  his  bosom— rejected  it. 

Mr.  Caudle  attended  by  many  of  his  friends, 
returned  to  his  widowed  home  in  tolerable  spir- 
its. Prettyman  said,  jocosely  pokln:^  his  two 
fingers  in  Caudle's  ribs,  that  in  a  week  he'd  look 
"quite  a  tulip."  Caudle  merely  replied— he 
could  hardly  hope  it.  Prettyman 's  mirth,  how- 
ever, communicated  itself  to  the  company;  and 
in  a  very  little  time  the  meeting  took  the  air  of 
a  very  pleasant  party.  Somehow,  Miss  Pretty- 
man  presided  at  the  tea-table.  There  was  in  her 
manner  a  charming  mixture  of  grace,  dignity, 
and  confidence — a  beautiful  black  swan.  Pret- 
tyman, by  the  way,  whispered  to  a  friend,  that 
there  was  just  this  difference  between  Mrs. 
Caudle  and  his  sister.— "Mrs.  Caudle  was  a 
great  goose,  whereas  Sarah  was  a  little  duck." 
We  will  not  swear  that  Caudle  did  not  over  hear 
the  words;  for,  as  he  resignedly  stirred  his  tea, 
he  looked  at  the  lady  at  the  head  of  the  table, 
smiled,  and  sighed. 

It  was  odd ;  but  v/omen  are  so  apt !  Miss  Pret- 
tyman seemed  as  familiar  with  Caudle's  silver 
tea-pot  as  with  her  own  silver  thimble.  With  a 
smile  upon  her  face— like  the  butter  on  the  muff- 
ins —  she  handed  Caudle  his  tea-cup.  Cautlle 
would,  now  and  then,  abstractedly  cast  his  eyes 
above  the  mantel -piece.  There  was  Mrs.  Caudle's 
portrait.  Whereupon  Miss  Prettyman  would 
say,  "You  must  take  comfort,  Mr.  Caudle,  in- 
deed you  must. ' '  At  length  Mr.  Caudle  replied 
"I  will,  Miss  Prettym.an." 


SELECTED  READINGS.  103 

What  then  passed  through  Caudle's  brain  we 
know  not;  but  this  we  know;  in  a  twelvemonth 
and  a  week  from  that  day,  Sarah  Prettyman  was 
Caudle's  second  wife,— Mrs.  Caudle  number 
two.    Poor  thing! 

Mf,  Caudle  'begins  to  "show  off  the  Fiend  that's 
in  him." 

"It  is  rather  extraordinary,  Mrs.  Caudle,  that 
we  have  now  been  married  four  weeks,— I  don't 
see  what  you  have  to  sigh  about,— and  yet  you 
can 't  make  me  a  proper  cup  of  tea.  However,  1 
don 't  know  how  I  should  expect  it.  There  never 
was  but  one  woman  who  could  make  tea  to  my 
taste,  and  she  is  now  in  heaven.  Now,  Mrs. 
Caudle,  let  me  hear  no  crying.  I'm  not  one  of 
the  people  to  be  melted  by  the  tears  of  a  woman ; 
for  you  can  all  cry— all  of  you— at  a  minute's 
notice.  The  water's  always  laid  on,  and  down 
it  comes  if  a  man  only  holds  up  his  finger. 

"You  didn't  think  I  could  he  so  brutal f  That's 
it.  Let  a  man  only  speak,  and  he's  brutal.  It's 
a  woman's  first  duty  to  make  a  decent  cup  oE 
tea.  What  do  you  think  I  married  you  for?  It's 
all  very  well  with  your  tambour-work  and  such 
trumpery.  You  can  make  butterflies  on  kettle- 
holders;  but  can  you  make  a  pudding,  ma'am? 
I'll  be  bound  not. 

"Of  course,  as  usual;  you've  given  me  tho 
corner-roll,  because  you  know  I  hate  a  corner- 
roll.  I  did  think  ycu  must  have  seen  that.  I 
did  hope  I  should  not  be  obliged  to  speak  on  so 
paltry  a  subject;  but  it's  no  use  to  hope  to  be 
mild  with  you.    I  see  that's  hopeless. 


104  COMIC  RECITATIONS. 

And  what  a  herring !  And  you  call  it  bloater, 
I  suppose  1  Ha !  there  was  a  woman  who  had  an 
eye  for  a  bloater,  but— sainted  creature  !— she '.^ 
here  no  longer.  You  wish  she  was  ?  Oh,  I  under- 
stand that,  I'm  sure,  if  anybody  should  wish 
her  back,  it's— but  she  was  too  good  for  me. 
'When  I'm  gone.  Caudle,'  she  used  to  say,  'then 
you'll  know  the  wife  I  was  to  you.'  And  now 
•  I  do  know  it.  . 

"Here's  the  eggs  boiled  to  a  stone  agam?  Do 
you  think,  Mrs.  Caudle,  I'm  a  canary-bird,  to  be 
fed  upon  hard  eggs?  Don't  tell  me  about  the 
servants.  A  wife  is  answerable  to  her  husband 
for  her  servants.  It's  her  business  to  hire  prop- 
er people;  if  she  doesn't  she's  not  fit  to  be  a 
wife.  I  find  the  money,  Mrs.  Caudle,  and  I  ex- 
pect you  to  find  the  cookery. 

"There  you  are  with  your  pocket-handker- 
chief again,— the  old  flag  of  truce ;  but  it  doesn't 
trick  me.  A  pretty  lioneymoonf  Honeymoon? 
nonsense!  People  can't  have  two  honeymoons  in 
their  lives.  There  are  feelings— I  find  it  now— 
that  we  can't  have  twice  in  our  existence. 
There's  no  making  honey  a  second  time. 

"No;  I  think  I've  put  up  with  your  neglect 
long  enough;  and  there's  nothing  like  beginning 
as  we  intend  to  go  on.  Therefore,  Mrs.  Caudle, 
if  my  tea  isn't  made  a  little  more  to  my  hkmg 
to-morrow— and  if  you  insult  me  with  a  herring 
'  like  that -and  boil  my  eggs  that  you  might  fire 
'em  out  of  guns— why,  perhaps,  Mrs.  Caudle, 
you  may  see  a  man  in  passion.  It  takes  a  good 
deal  to  rouse  me,  but  when  I  am  up— I  say, 


SELECTED  READINGS.  10^ 

when  I  am  up — that's  all. 

"Where  did  I  put  my    gloves?     You    don't 
know?     Of  course  not:  you  know  nothing." 

Douglas  Jerrold. 


THE   CHARGE   OF  DE  ''DUTCH  BRI- 
GADE." 
A  few  sdeps,  a  few  sdeps, 
A  few  sdeps  onward, 
Up  to  de  bar 

Valked  dot  few  hundredt, 
Sdrait  up  to  de  bar 
Valked  dot  few  hundredt. 

All  dose  who  vos  seated 
Got  up  vhen  dhey  heard 
Dhey  vos  to  be  treated ; 
"Forward,  und  took  a  trink!" 
Up— pefore  you  could  vink, 
Up  to  the  bar 
Valked  dot  few  hundredt 

"Forward,  de  Dutch  Brigade!" 
Not  a  man  packward  stayed. 
Each  knew  it  all  was  bayed, 
Some  von  had  treated. 
Dheirs  not  to  got  some  fear 
Of  trinking  lager  beer. 
No  one  valked  to  the  rear, 
But  up— square  up  to  the  bar 
Valked  dot  few  hundredt. 


\0€  COMIC  RECITATIONS. 

Lager  in  front  of  dhem, 
Lager  in  back  of  dhem, 
Lager  all  around  them. 
Boobled  and  schbarkled. 
Blenty  dhey  drank  of  it, 
Dhey  voodn't  leave  a  bit— • 
Looking  for  more  to  git 
Vas  dose  few  hundredt! 

Shone  all  dhere  noses  red, 
Each  bartered  mit  his  head. 
Such  dhirst  you  nefer  met, 
Vhile  how  dhey  could  hold  it 
De  bargeeper  vondered  1 

Into  de  bar  dhey  vent, 
Right  down  de  shduff  dhey  sent, 
Dhen  to  dheir  homes  dhey  vent- 
But  blease  und  rememper 
Not  all  dose  few  hundredt! 

Vhen  such  a  dhing  vos  done  ? 
Vhen  such  sheap,  plenty  fun? 

Vhile  de  poss  vondered 
How  dhey  could  trink  all  dot 
Right  dhere  in  von  same  shbot, 

Nople  few  hundredt! 

Charles  M.  Connolly. 


HOW  DENNIS  TOOK  THE  PLEDGE. 
A  Limerick  Irishman  named  Dennis,  addictec 
to  strong  drink,  was  aften  urged  by  his  friend** 


SELECTED  READINGS.  107 

to  oign  the  pledge,  but  with  no  avail,  until  one 
day  they  read  to  him  from  a  newspaper  an  ac- 
count of  a  man  who  had  become  so  thoroughly 
saturated  with  alcohol,  that  on  attempting  to 
blow  out  a  candle,  his  breath  ignited,  and  he 
was  instantly  blown  to  atoms.  Dennis's  face 
showed  mingled  horror  and  contrition,  and  his 
friends  thought  that  the  long-desired  moment 
of  repentance  was  at  hand. 

"Bring  me  the  Book,  boys,  bring  the  Book! 
Troth,  his  breath  his  breath  took  foir,  did  it? 
Sure,  I'll  niver  die  that  death,  onyhow,"  said 
Dennis,  with  the  most  solemn  countenance  imagi- 
nable. "Here  me  now,  b'ys,  hear  me  now.  I, 
Dennis  Finnegan,  knowin'  my  great  weakness, 
deeply  sensible  of  my  past  sins,  an'  the  great 
danger  I've  been  in,  hereby  take  my  solemn 
oath,  that  so  long  as  I  live,  under  no  provoca- 
tion whatever,  will  I — hloiv  out  a  candle  again.'' 


SCHAKE  UND  AGERS. 

A  Dutchman's  first  experience  with  the  ague, 
toid  at  an  Old  Settlers'  meeting,  in  the  Ameri- 
can Bottoms,  at  about  the  time  that  interesting 
country  was  visited  by  Charles  Dickens. 

Mine  frients,  it  was  a  pooty  schmart  feiier  vat 
knows  sometimes  vat  de  matter  midt  him  is.  Uf 
you  doan't  bleef  dot  shoost  holdt  ycur  ears 
vonct,  und  I  vil  help  you  see  it  vas  true. 

Dirtv-nine  vcars  ago  I  o;imo  mo  miflt  mine 


X08  COMIC  RECITATIONS. 

vamily  to  dees  coontry.  I  vas  at  dose  times 
stronger  as  a  mool,  und  I  tought  I  vas  as 
schmardt  as  a  Yankee;  but  I  soon  seet  dot  de 
sooner  a  man  lifs  de  more  he  findts,  by  jiminy 
oudt— mine  frients,  I  don't  scharge  you  notinga 
for  dose  discovery. 

Veil,  I  vork  me  hardt  midt  chopping  and  grub- 
bing und  plowing  from  the  morning  until  in  de 
night  dimes  late ;  und  pooty  soon  I  get  my  house 
de  bush  out,  so  d<>t  I  could  see  my  neighbor 
Zhonson's  on  de  ^/airie  oudt. 

Von  day  in  de  fall  I  feel  me  bo  tired  like  I 
vas  getting  lazy,  like  dem  American  fellers.  Den 
I  vent  to  de  house  und  drink  water  like  I  vas 
a  fish.  Bimeby,  I  feel  so  creepy  und  stretchy 
oop  my  back  like  as  all  de  boogs  und  insects  und 
flies  in  Egypt  vas  emigrating  two  vays  at  vonct, 
from  my  neck  to  de  heels  uf  my  feet;  und  my 
legs  got  so  limber  und  so  veak  I  vouldn  't  sthandt 
up  to  see  my  grandf adder.  Den  I  feel  like  some- 
body vas  a  blowin'  more  as  a  hoondred  vind- 
mills  all  of er  me  in  de  middle  of  my  back ;  und 
I  stredtch,  und  I  stredtch  me  all  around  de 
house. 

Pooty  soon  qvick,  I  shiver  und  shake  and 
tremble— b-b-b-b-b-br-br-h-h— ;  und  my  teeth 
rattle  till  I  think  my  head  und  fingers  shake  my 
arms  off  my  neck;  und  Katrina,  dot  vas  my 
f lau,  she  dinks  I  het  a  fit.  She  screamt  her  mout 
oudt;  und,  at  de  last,  she  trowdt  a  booket  of 
vater  all  uffer  me  at  vonst.  Ach !  jimminy  grac- 
ious !  I  tought  I  vas  in  two  ice-boxes,  und  Lieu- 
tenant Greeley  vas  poundin'  me  midt  the  No^^d 


SELECTED  READINGS.  109 

ifole.  Den  I  shook  me  more  as  before— b-b-b-b-b- 
b-br-br-br-r-r-r-r-r-r-h-h-h-h ;  und  de  dishes  fall 
de  cupboard  oudt  on  de  floor  down;  und  my 
rife  she  says,  "Zhake,  uf  you  doan's  stop  dot 
sehiverereer,  you  knock  dem  schingles  de  roof 
ofle." 

Den  I  got  90  cold  I  poot  me  de  bed  in  und  rattle 
my  teeth  und  my  toes  till  I  schake  dem  clothes 
de  bed  off;  und  Katarina  she  pild  dem  feaders 
und  shuck  beds  so  high  as  her  hedt,  und  she 
climbs  de  top  oop,  und  calls  my  hired  man  Phil- 
ip to  help  holdt  me  schtill  und  I  bleef  she  vouldt 
have  bringdt  de  whole  neighborhood  uf  she 
could  call  'em  in,  so  help  me  gracious. 

At  de  last  I  shtoped  schaking,  und  pooty  soon 
I  got  so  varm  I  trowdt  dem  peeples  de  bed  off, 
und  calldt  for  vater— vater,  till  I  think  I  drink 
re  veil  oop.  Bimeby,  neighbor  Zhonson  he  comes 
along,  und  my  vife  vas  so  schared  she  tell  him  1 
vas  gone  to  burn  oop,  und  dey  didn't  haf  vater 
enough  to  put  me  oudt.  Dey  tell  him  all  aboudt 
dot  Nord  Pole  expedition  und  dot  Niagara 
vater-booket  falls  excursion;  und  he  set  himself 
on  de  floor  down  und  laughed  like  he  vouldt 
split  his  collar  bandt.  Den  he  said  to  me,  ' '  You 
green  Dutchman,  you  hadt  dem  schake  und 
flgers  und  didn't  know  it  already  yet." 

I.  H.  Brown. 


110  COMxu  n.*-v.-.rATIONS. 

DER  NIGHD  PEHIND  CHRISTMAS. 

PARODY     ON     ''the      NIGHT     BEFORE     CHRTiTMAS'' 
BY  SIDNEY  W.  WETMORE. 

'Tvas  der  nighd  pehind  Grisdmas,  und  all  ofer 

der  haus, 
Nod  von  beobles  vas  schleebing,  nix  cum  arous; 
Dea  sdockings  vas  vlung  all  ofer  dose  shair, 
Vor  hopes  auf  Saind  Niglebus  nix  longer  vos 

dhere, 
"Vi-intnie  und  Shakey  vas  tossing  widoud  schleeb 

"n  der  ped, 
Der  leddle  stomachs  vas  pig,  wid  gandy,  nuds, 

bies  and  pread 
Vhile  mudder  mit  a  nighd-dress,  und  I  mit  a 

goAvn, 
Vas  yust  make  up  our  minds  ve  couldn't  lie 

down; 
Ven  vrom  der  haus  oud  py  dev  lawn  ve  heard 

somedings  gletter, 
Like  der  tuyfle  I  shumped  ofer  my  sVair,  von- 

derin'  vat  vas  der  madder. 
Righd  avay  qvick  to  der  vinder  I  vent,  vith  a 

vlash, 
Grapped  avay  der  plinds  und  shofed  up  ust 

sash; 
Der  moon,  all  undressed,  vas  foolin'  arount  pe- 

low, 
Und  saying,  "Gife  us  a  rest,  mit  dat  'PeautifuJ 

Schnow ; ' ' 
Vat  vas  dose,  so  hellup  me,  vibch  to  dhese  eyes 

appear, 


bELECTED  READINGS.  Ill 

Bud  a  horse  imd  schleigli,  poth  vas  oldt  und 

qveer, 
Trawin  a  leddle  oldt  bump-paeked  rooster,  sol- 
emn and  sehlow, 
Dot  I  know'd  mit  a  glance   'twas  oldt  Toetor 

Prough. 
Vrom  der  oudside  I  drew  my  head,  und  durnt 

arounts. 
Yen  up-stairs  comes  dot  rooster,  mit  dwo   or 

dhree  pounts ; 
He  vas  all  govered  up  mit  a  pig  ofergoat  made 

long  pelow, 
Und  der  vhisker  py  hes  schin  vas  vhide  like  der 

schnow ; 
He  spoke  nix  a  vord,  bud  straighd  vend  to  vork, 
Velt  all  der  bulses,  und  gifer  der  arms  a  jerk; 
Und  making  hes  vingers  on  der  top  of  hes  nose, 
Vith  a  vag   auf    hes  ear,  to  der   schminey    he 

goes; 
"Vod  sboonful  of  oil,  oldt  vomans,  und  sum 

prandy, 
Scheese  dose  nuts,  raisins,  bies  und  der  gandy: 
Dose  dender  schmalt  stomach  vill  nefer  digest 
Der  schveetij  vot  dhey  get— pretzels  und  krout 

vas  der  feast;  ' 
Bud  dat  makes  nodhings  out,  does  advice  mit 

vrents. 
Ven  der  gustom  auf  Grisdmas  der  odeer  vay 

dends ; 
All  vater  und  rauttors,  old  Schanty  Claws  too, 
Vas  oxceeding  plind;  veil,  a  goot-nighd  to  you, 
(Jnd  dhese  vords  ve  heard  him  exclaim,  as  he 
trofe  oud  auf  sighd, 


112  COMIC  RECITATIONS. 

' '  Dose  bully  bies,  raisins,  und  gandy  makes  toe- 
tor 's  bill  all  righd," 


KATHARINA  SEES  A  GAME  OF  FOOT- 
BALL. 

I  took  mine  Katarina  down 

To  see  der  football  play, 
Und  dis  is  how  der  vay  dot  she 

Describes  der  game  dot  day: 

* '  Ach,  veil,  dare  vas  a  lot  uf  mens 

Mit  vildness  in  deir  eyes 
Vich  if  dey  met  der  barber  he 

Vould  die  yust  mit  surprise. 

"Veil,  after  dot,  dey  vent  to  vork 

Und  stood  around  a  vile ; 
Und  ven  dey  all  got  tired  vy 

Dey  sat  down  in  a  pile. 

"Some  fellows  sat  on  somevun's  head, 

Some  sat  on  somevun's  feets, 
Und  dem  vot  sat  der  hardest  down 

Dey  vast  der  vuns  dot  beats ! 

"Und  den  dey  all  stood  ub  vonce  more, 

Und  den  dey  stood  arount ; 
Und  von  poor  fellow  he  yust  stood 

Und  looked  hard  ad  der  grount. 

"I  dink  his  nose  vas  bleeding,  bud 


SELECTED  READINGS.  113 

Der  udders  did  not  care ; 
Dey  yust  chiuuped  up,  den  changed  their  mmds 
Und  sat  down  on  his  hair. 

«'Den  eterybody  all  rount 

Dey  yust  went  vild  mit  choy, 
Und  broke  each  udder's  hats  und  said: 

'Aint  id  a  peach,  dot  boy  ? 

"Und  den  dot  boy  dey  spoked  aboud, 

Oh,  vare,  oh,  vare,  vas  he  ? 
Ask  uf  der  amberlance  vich  came 

To  fix  his  broked-up  knee ! 

"Der  rest,  did  not  stop  to  vait 

To  ask  vere  vas  he  hurt, 
Because  dey  all  vas  kicking  mit 

Each  udder  in  der  dirt. 

"Und  den  vun  fellow  runned  a  vile, 

Den  somevun  grabbed  his  arm, 
Und  den  dey  all  plowed  ub  der  neld— 

Yust  like  on  der  farm ! 

"Und  den  der  game  vas  ofer,  und 

Der  mens  said,  'Dot's  a  beaut! 
Und  all  der  preddy  girls  dey  said, 

*Ach,  himmel,  ain'd  id  cute? 

SCHNITZERL'S  VELOCIPEDE. 
Hans  Schnitzerl  made  a  velocipede, 
Vone  of  dot  newest  kind; 


114  COMIC  RECITATIONS. 

It  didn't  haf  no  vheel  before, 
Und  der  vasn't  none  pehind. 

Aber  dere  vas  vone  in  de  middle  dhough;^ 

Dat's  shust  as  sure  as  eggs; 
Und  he  shtraddled  across  dot  axle, 

Mit  de  wheel  between  his  legs. 

Und  vhen  he  vants  to  shtart  it  off, 

He  paddled  mit  his  feet, 
Und  soon  he  made  it  gone  so  fast 

Dat  eferythings  he  beat. 

He  took  it  out  on  Broadway  vonce, 

Und  shkeeted  like  de  vind. 
Phew !  how  he  passed  dot  fancy  schaps-! 

He  leafed  dem  all  pehind! 

Dem  fellers  an  dose  shtylish  nags 

Pulled  up  to  see  him  pass; 
Und  der  Deutsehers,  all  ockstonished,  cried, 

"Potz  tauzand!    Vas  ist  das?" 

•   But  faster  shtill  Herr  Schnitzerl  flew,— 
On,  mit  a  ghastly  schmile : 
He  didn't  touch  de  ground,  py  Jinks, 
Not  vonce  in  half  a  mile. 

So  vas  it  mit  Herr  Schnitzerl 

Und  his  velocipede : 
His  feet  both  shlipped  right  inside  out 

Vhen  at  its  extra  snpeed. 


SELECTED  READINGS.  115 

He  failed  upon  dot  vheel,  of  course : 

Dot  vheel  like  blitzen  flew; 
Und  Schnitzerl,  he  vas  schnicht  in  vaeht, 

Dot  sehliced  him  grode  in  two. 

Hans  Breitmann. 


PSAL]M  OF  MARRIAGE. 
Tell  me  not  in  idle  jingle, 

"Marriage  is  an  empty  dream!" 
For  the  girl  is  dead  that's  single, 

And  girls  are  not  what  they  seem. 

Life  is  real !     Life  is  earnest ! 

Single  blessedness  a  fib ! 
"Man  thou  art,  to  man  returnest!" 

Has  been  spoken  of  the  rib. 

Not  enjoyment,  and  not  sorrow, 

Is  our  destined  end  or  way; 
But  to  act  that  each  to-morrow 

Finds  us  nearer  marriage  day. 

Life  is  long,  and  youth  is  fleeting, 

And  our  hearts,  though  light  and  gay, 

Still  like  pleasant  drums  are  beating 
"Wedding  marches  all  the  way. 

In  the  world's  broad  field  of  battle. 

In  the  bivouac  of  life, 
Be  not  like  dumb  driven  cattle! 

Be  a  heroine— -a  wife!  — 

Trust  no  future,  liowe'er  pleasant, 


116  COMIC  RECITATIONS. 

Let  the  dead  past  bury  its  dead ! 
Act— act  to  the  living  Present! 
Heart  within  and  hope  ahead! 

Lives  of  married  folks  remind  us 

We  can  live  our  lives  as  well, 
And,  departing,  leave  behind  us 
Such  examples  as  shall  * '  tell. ' ' 

Such  examples  that  another, 
"Wasting  time  in  idle  sport, 
A  forlorn,  unmarried  brother, 

Seeing,  sliall  take  heart  and  court 

Let  us,  then  be  up  and  doing. 

With  a  heart  on  triumph  set 
Still  contriving,   still  pursuing. 

And  each  one  a  husband  get. 

Phoebe  Cart. 


AGNES,  I  LOVE  THEE. 
(An  Encore.) 
I  stood  upon  the  ocean's  briny  shore, 
And  with  .a  fragile  reed  I  traced  upon  the  sand : 

"Agnes,  I  love  thee." 
The  mad  waves  rolled  by  and  blotted  ont  the  fair 

impression. 
Frail  reed !  cruel  wave !  treacherous  sand ! 
I  '11  trust  ye  no  more ! 
But,  with  a  giant  hand, 


SELECTED  READINGS.  117 

I'll  pluck  from  Norway's  frozen  shore  her  tall- 
est pine, 

And  dip  its  top  into  the  crater  of  Mt.  Vesuvius, 

And  on  the  high   and  burnished  heavens  I'll 
write : 

"Agnes,  I  love  thee" 

And  I  would  like  to  see  any  doggoned  wave  wash 
that  out. 


A  POTATO  BUG. 

Dark  and  dreary  was  the  night,        " 

A  storm  was  dramng  nigh. 
In  \avid  streaks  the  lightning  flashed, 

Athwart  the  leaden  slcy ; 
But  see  from  out  a  lonely  wood, 

There  steals  a  vengeful  man, 
A  blood-stained  club  is  firmly  grasped, 

Within  his  strong  right  hand, 
And  like  a  specter  from  the  unknown  world 

He  glides  upon  his  foe. 
A  murderous  light  gleams  in  his  eye, 

As  he  makes  ready  for  the  blow. 
The  club  is  raised,  and  then,  oh,— 

It  falls  with  a  sickening  thud. 
And  there  upon  the  damp  cold  ground, 

Lays  murdered,— "a  Potato  Bug." 


118  COMIC  RECITATIONS. 

DER  SHPIDER  UND  DER  FLY. 

CHARLES  FOLLEN  ADAMS. 

(Boston  Globe.) 
I  reads  in  Yowcob's  shtory  book, 

A  couple  v<  eks  ago, 
Von  firsd-rate  boem,  vot  I  dinks 

Der  peoples  all  should  know. 
It  ask  dis  goot  eonundhrum,  too, 

Vich  ve  should  profit  by: 
"Vill  you  indo  mine  parlor  valk? 

Said  de  shpider  off  der  fly" 

Dot  set  me  dinking  righdt  avay; 

Und  vhen  von  afdernoon, 
A  shbeculator  he  comes  in, 

Und  dells  me  pooty  soon. 
He  haf  a  silfer  mine  to  sell, 

Und  ask  me  eef  I  puy, 
I  dink  off  der  oxberience 

Off  dot  plue-pottle  fly. 

Der  oder  day,  vhen  on  der  cars 

I  vent  py  Nie  York  oudt ; 
I  meets  a  fraulein  on  der  train, 

Who  dold  me,  mit  a  pout, 
She  likes  der  Deutscher  shentlemens, 

Und  d^lls  me  sit  peside  her — 
I  says:  ''Mine  friendt,  I  vos  no  fly, 

Eef  you  vas  been  a  shpider." 

I  vent  indo  der  shmoking  car, 
Vhere  dhey  vas  playing  boker, 


SELECTED  READINGS.  119 

Und  also  haf  somedings  dhey  calls 

Der  funny  "leedle  joker." 
Some  money  id  vas  shanging  hands, 

Dhey  vanted  me  to  try— 
I  says :     ' '  You  vas  too  brevious ; 

I  don  'd  vas  peen  a  fly ! " 

On  Central  Park  a  shmardt  young  man 

Says :    ' '  Strauss,  how  vas  you  peen  ? ' ' 
Und  take  me  kindly  by  the  hand, 

Und  ask  off  mine  Katrine. 
He  vants  to  shange  a  feefty  bill, 

Und  say  hees  name  vas  Schneider — 
Maybe,  berhaps  he  vas  all  righdt; 

More  like  he  vas  a  shpider. 

Mosd  efry  day  some  shvindling  chap, 

He  dries  hees  leedle  game; 
I  cuts  me  oudt  dot  shpider  piece, 

Und  poot  id  in  a  frame; 
Righdt  in  mine  shtore  I  hangs  it  oup, 

Und  near  id,  on  der  shly, 
I  geeps  a  glub,  to  send  gvick  oudt 

Dhose  shpiders,  "on  der  fly." 


THE  BACHELOR'S  SOLILIQUY. 

To  wed,  or  not  to  wed;— that  is  the  question: 
Whether  'tis  nobler  in  a  man  to  suffer 
The  slings  and  sorrows    of    that    blind  young 
archer ; 


120  COMIC  RECITATIONS. 

Or  fly  to  arms  against  a  host  of  troubles, 

And  at  the  altar  end  them.    To  woo— to  wed — 

No  more ;  and  by  this  step  to  say  we  end 

The  heartache,  and  the  thousand  hopes  and  fears 

The  single  suffer—  'tis  a  consummation 

Devoutly  to  be  wished.    To  woo— to  wed;  — 

To    wed— perchance    repent!— ay,    there's    the 

rub; 
For  in  that  wedded  state,  what  woes  may  come 
When  we  have  launched  upon  that  untried  sea 
Must  give  us  pause.    There's  the  respect 
That  makes  celibacy  of  so  long  life ; 
For  who  would   bear    the    quips  and   jeers   of 

friends, 
The  husband 's  pity,  and  the  coquette 's  scorn, 
The  vacant  heart,  the  solitary  cell. 
The  unshared  feorrow,  and  the  void  within. 
When  he  himself  might  his  redemption  gain 
With  a  fair  damsel.    W^ho  M'ould  beauty  shun 
To  toil  and  plod  over  a  barren  heath; 
But  that  the  dread  of  something  yet  beyond — 
The  undiscovered  country,  from  whose  bourne 
No  bachelor  returns — puzzles  the  will, 
And  makes  us  rather  bear  those  ills  we  have 
Than  fly  to  others  that  we  know  not  of ! 
Thus  forethought  does  make  cowards  of  us  all, 
And  thus  the  native  hue  of  resolution 
Is  sicklied  o'er  with  the  pale  cast  of  thought, 
And  numberless  flirtations,  long  pursued. 
With  this  regard,  their  currents  turn  away 
And  lose  the  name  of  marriage. 


SELECTED  READINGS.  121 

A  MIDNIGHT  TRAGEDY. 


Two  lovers  lean  on  the  garden  gate; 
The  hour  is  late. 

At  a  chamber  window  her  father  stands, 
And  rubs  his  hands. 

For  awhile  he  watches  them  unawares, 
Then  goes  down-stairs. 

He  looses  the  dog  from  his  iron  chain — 
The  rest  is  plain. 

The  moonlight  silvers  the  garden  gate ; 
The  hour  is  late. 


THE  PUZZLED  CENSUS-TAKER. 

"Nein"  {pronounced  nine)  is  the  German  for 

"No." 
* '  Got  any  boys  ?  the  marshall  said 

To  a  lady  from  over  the  Rhine ; 
And  the  lady  shook  her  flaxen  head, 

And  civilly  answered  "Nine!" 

"Got  any  <i;irls?"  the  marshall  said 
To  the  lady  from  over  the  Rhine; 

And  again  the  lady  shook  her  head, 
And  civilly  answered,  "Nine!" 


122  COMIC  RECITATIONS. 

"But  some  are  dead?"  the  marshall  said 

To  the  lady  from  over  the  Rhine ; 
And  again  the  lady  snook  her  head, 

And  civilly  answered,  "Nine!" 

"Husband,  of  course?"  the  marshall  said 
To  the  lady  from  over  the  Rhine; 

And  again  she  shook  her  flaxen  head 
And  civilly  answered,  "Nine!" 

' '  The  devil  you  have  ! ' '  the  marshall  said 

To  the  lady  from  over  the  Rhine ; 
And  again  she  shook  her  flaxen  head, 

And  civilly  answered,  "Nine!" 

"Now  what  do  you  mean  by  shaking  your  head, 

And  always  answering  'Nine'?" 
'  ich  Jcann  nicht  English!"  civilly  said 

The  lady  from  over  the  Rhine. 

John  G.  Saxe. 


A  LOVELY  SCENE. 

We  stood  at  the  bars  as  the  sun  went  down 
Behind  the  hills  on  a  summer  day. 

Her  eyes  were  tender,  and  big,  and  bro^vn. 
Her  breath  as  sweet  as  the  new-mown  hay. 

Far  from  the  west  the  faint  sunshine 
Glanced  sparkling  off  her  golden  hair. 

Those  calm,  deep  eyes  were  turned  toward  mine, 
And  a  look  of  contentment  rested  there. 


SELECTED  READINGS.  123 

I  see  her  bathed  in  the  sunlight  flood, 
I  see  her  standing  peacefully  now, 

Peacefully  standing  and  chewing  her  cud. 
As  I  rubbed  her  ears— that  Jersey  cow. 


POPPING  THE  QUESTION. 


I  knew  by  his  looks  what  he'd   come  for;   I 

plainly  had  seen  from  the  first, 
It  must  come  to  this  sooner  or  later;  and  I'd 

made  up  my  mind  for  the  worst. 
So  I  hid  myself  under  the  curtains,  where  the 

loving  pair  couldn't  see  me, 
In  order  to  watch  their  proceedings,  and  hear 

what  he  said  unto  she. 

I  saw  he  was  fearfully  nervous,  that  in  fact  h3 

was  suffering  pam, 
By  the  way  that  he  fussed  with  his  collar,  and 

poked  all  the  chairs  with  his  cane ; 
Then  he  blushed;  that  he  wouldn't  look  at  her, 

but  kept  his  eyes  fixed  on  the  floor. 
And  took  the  unusual  precaution  of  taking  his 

seat  near  the  door. 

He  began,  "It  is— er— er— fine  weather— re- 
markable weather  for  May." 

"Do  you  think  so/"  said  she;  "it  is  raining." 
"Oh!  so  it  is  raining  to-day. 

I  meant,  'twill  be  pleasant  to-morrow,"  he  stam- 
mered;  "er-er- do  you  skate?" 


124  COMIC  RECITATIONS. 

"Oh,  yes!"  she  replied,  "at  the  season;  but  isn't 
May  rather  late?" 

The  silence  that  followed  was  awful;  he  con- 
tinued, "I  see  a  sweet  dove, ' ' 

( 'Twas  only  an  innocen"^  sparrow ;  but  blind  are 
the  eyes  of  true  love), 

"A  dove  of  most  beautiful  plumage,  on  the  top 
of  that  wide-spreading  tree, 

Which  reminds  me"— she  sighed— "Oh,  sweet 
maiden !  which  reminds  me,  dear  angel,  of 
thee." 

Her  countenance  changed  in  a  moment;  there 

followed  a  terrible  pause; 
I  felt  that  the  crisis  was  coming,  and  hastily 

dropped  on  all  fours. 
In  order  to  see  the  thing  better.    His  face  grew 

as  white  as  a  sheet ; 
He  gave  one  spasmodic    effort,    and    lifelessly 

dropped  at  her  feet. 

She  said— what  she  said  I  won't  tell  you.  She 
raised  the  poor  wretch  from  the  ground. 

I  drew  back  my  head  for  an  instant.  Good  heav- 
ens !    Oh,  Avhat  was  that  sound  ? 

I  eagerly  peered  through  the  darkness,  for  twi- 
light had  made  the  room  dim, 

And  plainly  perceived  it  was  kissing,  and  kiss- 
ing not  all  done  by  him. 

I  burst  into  loud  fits  of  laughter ;  I  knew  it  was 
terrible  mean; 


SELECTED  READINGS.  125 

Still  I  couldn't  resist  the  temptation  to  appear 

for  a  while  on  the  scene. 
But  she  viewed  me  with  perfect  composure,  as 

she  kissed  him  again  wdth  a  smile, 
And  remarked,  'twixt  that  kiss  and  the  next  one, 

that  she  'd  known  I  was  there  all  the  while. 


HE  DIDN'T  WANT  THE   'SCRIPTION. 

He  was  an  old  man,  and  he  had  a  bit  of  con- 
ductor's pasteboard  stuck  in  his  hat.  He  walked 
into  the  drug  store  and  inquired : 

"Have  you  got  any  good  whiskey?" 

"Yes,  sir,"  replied  the  gentlemanly  druggist. 

"Gimme  half  a  pint?" 

"Have  you  got  a  doctor's  prescription?" 

"No." 

* '  Can 't  sell  it  then,  sir.  Jury  in  session ;  must 
be  strict." 

"AVhere  can  I  get  a  doctor?"  sadly  inquired 
the  aged  inebriate. 

"I'm  a  physician,  sir,"  winningly  responded 
the  druggist. 

"Can't  you  give  me  that— what  you  call  it, 
'scription?" 

"AVell,  I  might." 

And  the  doctor  wrote  out  a  prescription  blank, 
calling  for  so  many  ounces  of  spiritus  frumenii. 
He  filled  a  snug-looking  bottle  with  the  article, 
pasted  a  label  on  it,  numbered  to  correspond 
with  the  paper,  and  presenting  the  bottle  to  the 


126  COMIC  RECITATIONS. 

venerable  roysterer,  remarked,  in  the  most  busi- 
ness-like way  imaginable : 

"A  dollar  and  a  half,  sir." 

"A  dollar  and  a  half!"  gasped  his  astonished 
customer.     "Ain't  that  pretty  high,  mister?" 

"It's  our  price— a  dollar  for  the  prescription, 
and  fifty  cents  for  the  medicine." 

"Yes,  well,"  slowly  replied  the  wicked  old 
duffer,  as  he  slowly  buttoned  up  the  half-pint 
in  his  overcoat  pocket;  "I  guess,  boss,  that  I 
don't  want  the  'scription.  Here's  your  half  a 
dollar,"  and  he  stuck  his  tongue  in  one  side  of 
his  mouth,  winked  ironically  at  him  of  the  mor- 
tar and  pestle,  and  walked  out. 


BILL'S  IN  TROUBLE! 

I've  got  a  letter,  parson,  from  my  son  away  out 

West, 
An'  my  ol'  heart  is  heavy  as  an  anvil  in  my 

breast, 
To  think  the  boy  whose  futur'  I  had  once  so 

proudly  planned 
Should  wander  from  the  path  o'  right  an'  come 

to  sich  an  end! 

Bill  made  a  faithful  promise  to  be  keerful,  an' 

allowed 
He'd  build  a  reputation  that'd  make  us  mighty 

proud. 
But  it  seems  as  how  my  counsel  sort  o'  faded 

from  his  mind, 


SELECTED  READINGS.  127 

An'  now  the  boy's  in  trouble  o'  the  very  wiistest 
kind! 

His  letters  came  so  seldom  that  I  somehow  sort 

o'  knowed 
That  Billy  was  a-trampin'  on  a  mighty  rocky 

road, 
But  never  once  imagined  he  would  bow  my  head 

in  shame, 
An'  in  the  dust'd  waller  his  ol'  daddy's  honored 

name. 

He  writes  from  out  in  Denver,  an'  the  story's 

mighty  short; 
I  just  can't  tell  his  mother;  it'll  crush  her  poor 

o'l  heart! 
Ail'  so  I  reckoned,  parson,  you  might  break  th^i 

news  to  her — 
Bill's  in  the  Legislatur,  but  he  doesn't  say  what 

fur. 


"SPACILLY  JIM." 


I  wus  mighty  good-lookin'  when  I  was  young, 

Peert  an'  black-eyed  an'  slim, 
With  fellers  a  courtin'  me  Sunday  nights, 
'Soacially  Jim. 

The  likeliest  one  of  'em  all  was  he, 
Chipper  an'  han'som'  an'  trim, 


128  COMIC  RECITATIONa. 

But  I  tossed  up  my  head  an'  made  fun  o'  the 
crowd, 
'Spacially  Jim. 

I  said  I  hadn't  no  'pinion  o'  men, 

An'  I  wouldn't  take  stock  in  him! 
But  they  kep'  up  a-comin'  in  spite  o'  my  talk, 
'Spacially  Jim. 

I  got  so  tired  o'  havin'  'em  roun' 

(Spacially  Jim!) 
I  made  up  my  mind  I'd  settle  down 

An'  take  up  with  him. 

So  we  was  married  one  Sunday  ia  chureh, 

'Twas  crowded  full  to  the  brim ; 
'Twas  the  only  way  to  get  rid  of  'em  all, 
'Spacially  Jim. 


THE  MARRIAGE  CEREMONY. 


You  promise  now,  you  goot  man  dare, 

Vot  shtunds  upon  de  floor, 
To  take  dis  woman  for  your  vrow, 

And  luff  her  ef  ermore ; 
You'll  feed  her  well  on  sauerkraut, 

Beans,  buttermilk  and  cheese, 
And  in  all  dings  to  lend  your  aid 

Vot  vill  promote  her  ea^e ;  v  i,  f 


SELECTED  READINGS.  129 

Yes,  and  you,  good  voman,  too— 

Do  you  pledge  your  vord  dis  day 
Dat  you  vill  take  dis  husband  here 

And  mit  him  alvays  shtay  ? 
Dat  you  vill  bet  and  board  mit  him, 

Vash,  iron  and  mend  his  clothes; 
Laugh  when  he  schmiles,  veep  when  he  sighs, 

-Yah! 

Und  share  his  joys  and  voes  ? 
Vel,  den,  mitin  these  sacred  halls, 

Mit  joy  and  not  mit  grief, 
I  do  bronounce  you  man  and  vife; 

Von  name,  von  home,  von  beef! 
I  publish  now  dese  secred  bonts, 

Dese  matrimonial  dies. 
Before  mine  Got,  mine  vrow,  minezelf 

Und  all  dese  gazing  eyes. 
Und  now,  you  pridegroom  standing  dere, 

I'll  not  let  go  yoz  collar 
Undil  you  dell  me  one  ding  more, 

Dat  ish:  vere  ish  mine  tollar? 


BLASTED  HOPES. 

"We  said  good-by !    My  lips  to  hers  were  pressed. 

We  looked  into  each  other's  eyes  and  sighed; 
I  pressed  the  maiden  fondly  to  my  breast, 

And  went  my  way  across  the  foamy  tide. 

I  stood  upon  the  spot  where  Caesar  fell, 
I  mused  beside  the  groat  Napoleon's  tomb; 


130  COMIC  RECITATIONS. 

I  loitered  where  dark-visaged  houris  dwell, 
And  saw  the  fabled  lotus  land  abloom. 

I  heard  Parisian  revelers,  and  so 

Forgot  the  maiden  who  had  wept  for  me; 
I  saw  my  face  reflected  in  the  Po, 

And  saw  Italian  suns  sink  in  the  sea. 

Aweary  of  it  all,  at  last,  I  turned 

My  face  back  to  my  glorious  native  land; 

I  thought  of  her  again— my  bosom  burned— 
And  joyful  I  left  the  ancient  strand. 

At  last,  I  held  her  little  hand  again, 

But,  oh,  the  seasons  had  kept  rolling  on, 

I  did  not  stroke  her  head  or  kiss  her  then— 
Another  had  appeared  while  I  was  gone. 

I'd  brought  her  trinkets  from  across  the  sea— 
Ah.  well!  she  shall  not  have  them  now,  of 
course ; 

Alas !  the  only  thing  that's  left  for  me 
Is  to  give  her  little  boy  a  hobby  horse ! 


TIM  MURPHY  MAKES  A  FEW  EEMARKS. 
I  saw  Teddy  Reagan  the  other  day ;  he  told  me 
he  had  been  dealing  in  hogs.  "Is  busniess 
good?"  says  I.  "Yis,"  says  he.  "Talkmg 
a,bout  hogs,  Teddy,  how  do  you  find  yourself  ? 
sez  I  I  wint  to  buy  a  clock  the  other  day,  to 
make  a  present  to  Mary  Jane.    "Will  you  have 


SELECTED  READINGS.  131 

a  Frinch  clock?"  says  the  jeweler.  "The  deuce 
take  your  Frinch  clock, ' '  sez  I.  "I  want  a  clock 
that  my  sister  can  understand  when  it  strikes." 
"I  have  a  Dutch  clock,"  sez  he,  "an'  you  kin 
put  that  on  the  shtairs."  "It  might  run  down 
if  I  put  it  there,"  sez  I.  "Well,"  sez  he, 
"here's  a  Yankee  clock,  with  a  lookin '-glass  iia 
the  front,  so  that  you  can  see  yourself,"  sez  he. 
"  It 's  too  ugly, "  sez  I.  "  Thin  I  '11  take  the  look- 
in '-glass  out,  an'  whin  you  look  at  it  you'll  not 
find  it  so  ugly, ' '  sez  he. 

I  wint  to  Chatham  Sthreet  to  buy  a  shirt,  for 
the  one  I  had  on  was  a  trifle  soiled.  The  Jew 
who  kept  the  sthore  looked  at  my  bosom,  an' 
said :  "So  hellup  me  gracious !  how  long  do  you 
vear  a  shirt?"  "Twenty-eight  inches,"  sez  T. 
"Have  you  any  fine  shirts?"  sez  I.  "Yis,"  sez 
he.  "Are  they  clane?"  says  I.  "Yis,"  sez  he. 
"Thin  you  had  better  put  one  on,"  sez  I. 

You  may  talk  about  bringin'  up  childer  in  thd 
way  they  should  go,  but  I  believe  in  bringing 
them  up  by  the  hair  of  the  head.  Talking  about 
bringing  up  childer — I  hear  my  childer 's  pray- 
ers every  night.  The  other  night  I  let  thim  up  to 
bed  without  thim.  I  skipped  and  sthood  behind 
the  door.  I  heard  the  boy  say:  "Give  us  this 
day  our  daily  bread."  The  little  fellow  said: 
"Sthrike  him  for  pie,  Johnny."  I  have  one  of 
the  most  economical  boys  in  the  City  of  New 
York;  he  hasn't  spint  one  cint  for  the  last  two 
yeai-s.  I  am  expecting -him  down  from  Sing 
.Sing  prison  next  week. 

Talking  about  boys,   I  have  a  nephew  who, 


132  COMIC  RECITATIONS. 

five  years  ago,  couldn't  write  a  word.  Last 
week  he  wrote  his  name  for  $10,000;  he'll  git 
tin  years  in  the  pinitintiary.  I  can't  write,  but 
I  threw  a  brick  at  a  policeman  and  made  my 
mark. 

They  had  a  fight  at  Tim  Owen's  wake  last 
week.  Mary  Jane  was  there.  She  says,  barrin' 
herself,  there  was  only  one  whole  nose  left  iq 
the  party,  an'  that  belonged  to  the  tay-kettle. 


PASSING  OF   THE   HORSE. 


I  drove  my  old  horse,  Dobbin,  full  slowly  toward 

the  town, 
One  beautiful  spring  morning.     The  rising  sun 

looked  down 
And  saw  us  slowly  jogging  and  drinking  in  the 

balm 
Of  honeyed  breath  of  clover  fields.     We  lissed, 

in  Nature's  calm. 
To  chirping  squirrel,   and  whistling  bird,  the 

robin  and  the  wren; 
The  sound  of  life  and  love  and  peace  came  o'ei' 

the  fields  again. 
'Way  back  behind  the  wagon  there  came  a  tan- 
dem bike, 
A  pedaling  'long  to  beat  the  wind,  I  never  saw 

the  like. 
They  started  by— the  road  was  wide,  old  Dobbiii 

feeling  good, 


SELECTED  READINGS.  133 

The  quiet  calmness  of  the  morn  had  livened  up 

his  mood, 
And  stretching  out  adown  the  road  he  chased 

these  cyclers  two, 
And  Dobbin  in  his  younger  days  was  distanced 

by  but  few. 
We  sped  along  about  a  mile,  it  was  a  merry 

chase, 
But  Dobbin  gave  it  up  at  last,  and,  dropping 

from  the  race, 
He  looked  at  me,  as  if  to  say:    "Old  man,  I'm 

in  disgrace. 
The  horse  is  surely  passing  by,  the  bike  has  got 

his  place." 
And  all  that  day,  while  in  the  town,  old  Dobbin 's 

spirits  fell; 
His  stout  old  pride  was  broken  sure ;  the  reason 

I  could  tell. 
But  when  that  night  we  trotted  back  from  town, 

below  the  hill 
We  met  two  weary  cyclers  who  waved  at  us  a  bill 
That  had  a  big  V  on  it,  and  said  it  would  be 

mine  . 
If  I  would  let  them  ride  with  us  and  put  their 

bike  behind. 
And  so  I  whistled  softly ;  and  Dobbin  wdnked  at 

me, 
"I  guess  the  horse  will  stay,  old  man;  he's  punc- 
ture proof — you  see?" 


ISi  COMIC  RECITATIONS. 

A  SCHOOL  DAY. 


"Now,  John,"  the  district  teacher  says 

With  frown  that  scarce  can  hide 
The  dimpimg  smiles  around  her  mouth, 

AAliere  Cupid's  hosts  abide, 
"AVhat  have  you  done  to  Mary  Ann, 

That  she  is  crying  so  ? 
Don't  say  'twas  'nothing'— don't,  I  say, 

For,  John,  that  can't  be  so; 

"For  Mary  Ann  would  never  cry 

At  nothing,  I  am  sure; 
And  if  you've  wounded  justice,  John, 

You  know  the  only  cure 
Is  punishment !    So,  come,  stand  up ; 

Transgression  must  abide 
The  pain  attendant  on  the  scheme 

That  makes  it  justihed." 

So  John  steps  forth  with  sun-burnt  face, 

And  hair  all  in  a  tumble, 
His  laughing  eyes  a  contrast  to 

His  drooping  mouth  so  humble. 
"Now,  Mary,  you  must  tell  me  all— 

I  see  that  John  will  not, 
And  if  he's  been  unkind  or  rude, 

I'll  whip  him  on  the  spot." 

<'\Y_we  were  p— playin'  p— pris'ner's  b— base, 

An'  h— he  is  s— such  a  t— tease, 
An'    w— when    I    v/— wasn't    1— lookin',    m— 
ma'am' 


SELECTED  READINGS.  135 

H— he  k— kissed  me— if  5^011  please." 
Upon  the  teacher's  face  the  smiles 

Have  triumphed  o'er  the  frown, 
A  pleasant  thought  runs  through  her  mind, 

The  stick  comes  harmless  down. 

But  outraged  law  must  be  avenged! 

Begone,  ye  smiles,  begone ! 
Away,  ye  little  dreams  of  love, 

Come  on,  ye  fro\\Tis,  come  on! 
"I  think  I'll  have  to  whip  you,  John, 

Such  conduct  breaks  the  rule; 
No  boy,  except  a  naughty  one, 

"Would  kiss  a  girl— at  school." 

Again  the  teacher's  rod  is  raised, 

A  Nemesis  she  stands— 
A  premium  were  put  on  sin, 

If  punished  by  such  hands ! 
As  when  the  bee  explores  the  rose 

We  see  the  petals  tremble. 
So  trembled  ]\Iary's  rosebud  lips— 

Her  heart  would  not  dissemble, 

**I  wouldn't  whip  him  very  hard" — 

The  stick  stops  in  its  fall— 
"It  wasn't  right  to  do  it,  but— 

It  didn't  hurt  at  all!" 
"What  made  you  cry,  then,  Mary  Ann?" 

The  school's  noise  makes  a  pause. 
And  out  upon  the  listening  air. 

From  Mary  comes— "Because  !" 

W.  F.  McSparran. 


136  COMIC  RECITATIONS. 

THE  BICYCLE  AND  THE  PUP. 


Tis  a  bicycle  man,  over  his  broken  wheel, 

That  grieveth  himself  full  sore, 
For  the  joy  of  its  newness  his  heart  shall  feel, 

Alack  and  alas,  no  more. 

When  the  bright  sun  trippeth  the  hills  with  gold, 

That  rider  upriseth  gay, 
And  with  hat  all  beribboned  and  heart  that  is 
bold. 

Pursue th  his  jaunty  way. 

He  gazeth  at  folks  in  the  lowly  crowd 

With  a  most  superior  air. 
He  thinketh  ha !  ha !  and  he  smileth  aloud 

As  he  masheth  the  maiden  fair. 

Oh,  he  masheth  her  much  in  his  nice  new  clothes, 

Nor  seeth  the  cheerful  pup, 
Till  he  roots  up  the  road  with  his  proud,  proud 
nose. 

While  the  little  wheel  tilteth  up. 

Oh,  that  youth  on  his  knees— though  he  doth  not 
pray— 

Is  a  pitiful  sight  to  see, 
For  his  pants  in  their  utterest  part  give  way. 

While  merrily  laugheth  she. 

And  that  bicycle  man  in  his  heart  doth  feel 
That  the  worst  of  unsanctified  jokes 

Is  the  small  dog  that  sniffeth  anon  at  his  wheel, 
But  getteth  mixed  up  in  the  spokes. 


SELECTED  READINGS.  137 

IT  MADE  A  DIFFERENCE. 

* '  Now,  then, ' '  said  the  short  and  fat  and  anx- 
ious-looking man  as  he  sat  down  in  the  street  car 
and  unfolded  a  map  he  had  just  bought  of  a 
fakir.  "I  want  to  know  how  this  old  thing 
works.  Let  me  first  find  the  Philippine  Islands 
and  Manila.     Here  I  am,  and  here  is  Ca-vitt. " 

"I  beg  your  pardon,  sir,"  said  the  man  on 
his  left,  "but  that  name  is  pronounced  Kahveet- 
tay." 

"Then  why  ain't  it  spelled  that  way?"  de- 
manded the  short  and  fat  man.  "No  wonder 
Dooye  has  been  left  there  a  whole  month  without 
reinforcements  when  they  mix  up  things  that 
way." 

' '  You  mean  Dewey, ' '  corrected  the  man  on  his 
right. 

"I  heard  it  called  Dooye,  sir." 

"But  it  isn't  right." 

"Then  why  don't  this  map  give  it  right? 
Is  it  the  plan  of  our  map-makers  to  bamboozle 
the  American  patriot?     Let  us  turn  to  Cuba. 
Ah !  here  is  that  San  Jew-an  they  are  talking  so 
much  about." 

"V\'ill  you  allow  me  to  say  that  the  name  is 
pronounced  San  AVan?"  softly  observed  the  man 
on  the  left. 

"By  whom,  sir?" 

"By  everybody." 

"I  deny  it,  sir!"  exclaimed  the  fat  man.  "If 
J-u-a-n  don't  spell  'Juan'  then  I  can't  read. 
If  I  am  wrong  then  why  don't  this  map  set  me 
right?     Is  it  the  idea  to  mix  up  the  American 


138  COMIC  RECITATIONS. 

patriot  until  he  can't  tell  whether  he's  in  Cuba 
or  the  United  States?" 

"Where  is  that  Ci-en-fue-gos  I've  read 
about?" 

"Do  you  wish  for  the  correct  pronunciation 
of  that  name?"  asked  a  man  on  the  other  side 
of  the  car. 

"Haven't  I  got  it?" 

"Not  exactly,  sir." 

"Then  let  her  slide.  The  men  who  got  out 
this  map  ought  to  be  indicted  for  swindling. 
Maybe  I'm  wrong  in  calling  it  Ma-tan-zas?" 

"It  is  hardly  correct,  sir." 

"And  I'm  off  on  Por-to  Ri-co?" 

"Just  a  little  off." 

"That  settles  it,  sir— that  settles  it!"  said  the 
short  man  as  he  folded  up  the  map  and  tossed  it 
away  on  the  street.  ' '  I  had  a  grandfather  in  the 
Revolutionary  War,  a  father  in  the  war  with 
Mexico,  and  two  brothers  in  the  Civil  War,  and  I 
was  going  to  otter  my  services  to  Uncle  Sam  in 
this  emergency;  but  it's  oft',  sir— all  off." 

"But  what  difference  does  the  pronunciation 
make?"  protested  the  man  on  the  right. 

"All  the  difference  in  the  world,  sir.  My 
wife  is  tongue-tied  and  my  only  child  has. got 
a  hair-lip,  and  if  I  should  get  killed  neither  one 
of  them  would  be  able  to  ever  make  any  one 
understand  whether  I  poured  out  my  blood  in  a 
battle  in  Cuba  or  was  run  over  by  an  ice-wagon 
in  front  of  my  own  house ! ' ' 


SELECTED  READINGS.  139 

BRIDGET  O'FLANNAGAN  ON  CHRISTIAN 
SCIENCE  AND  COCKROACHES. 

Och,  Mollie  Moriarty,  I've  been  havin'  the 
quare  iksparyincis  since  yiz  hurrud  from  me 
an'  if  I'd  known  how  it  wud  be  whin  I  lift 
ould  Oireland,  I'd  nivir  have  sit  fut  intil  this 
coontry  befoor  landin'.  Me  prisint  misthriss 
that  I  had  befoor  the  lasht  wan  is  a  discoiple  av 
a  new  koind  av  relijun  called  Chi-istian  Soience. 
She's  been  afthur  takin'  a  sooccission  av  coorsis 
av  coolchiir  (I  belave  that's  fwhat  they  call  it), 
a  new  koind  av  relijun  called  Christian  Soience. 

I've  hurrud  her  talkin'  wid  the  other  ladies 
about  moind  and  matther,  an'  as  will  as  I 
can  undherstand,  Christian  Soience  manes  that 
iverything  is  all  moind  an'  no  matther,  or  all 
matther  an'  nivir  moind,  an'  that  ivery  wan's 
nobody,  an'  iverything 's  nothing  ilse.  The 
misthriss  ses  there's  no  disease  nor  trooble,  an' 
no  nade  av  physic;  nivirthiliss,  whin  she  dish- 
coovered  cockroaches  intil  the  panthry,  she  sint 
me  out  wid  the  money  to  buy  an  ikstenninatin' 
powdher. 

Thinks  I  to  mesilf,  "I'll  give  thim  roaches 
a  dose  av  Christian  Soience,  or  fwhat  the  ladies 
call  an  'absint  thratemint.'  "  So  I  fixed  the 
powers  av  me  moind  on  the  middlesoom  cray- 
thers  an'  shpint  the  money  till  me  own  binifit. 
Afther  a  few  days  the  misthriss  goes  intil  the 
panthrey,  an'  foinds  thim  roaches  roonin'  'round 
as  if  they'd  nivir  been  kilt  at  all.  I  throied  to 
iksplain,  but  wid  the  ineonsisli+'^ncy  av  her  six 


140  COMIC  RECITATIONb. 

she  wouldn't  listhin  till  a  worrud,  but  ses  I  wag 
addin'  impertinince  to  desaving'.  So  I'm  afther 
lookin'  fur  a  place,  an'  if  j\z  know  av  a  lady 
widout  notions  that  do  be  bewildherin'  to  me 
moind,  address, 

Miss  Bridget   O'Flannagan, 

Post  Office,  Ameriky. 

M,    BOURCHIER. 


CONVERSATIONAL. 


"How's  your  father"     Came  the  whisper, 
Bashful  Ned  the  silence  breaking; 

"Oh,  he's  nicely,"  Annie  murmured, 
Smilingly  the  question  taking. 

Conversation  flagged  a  moment, 
Hopeless,  Ned  essayed  another: 

"Annie,  I— I,"  then  a  coughing, 
And  the  question,  "How's  our  mother!'* 

"Mother?  Oh,  she's  doing  nicely!" 
Fleeting  fast  was  all  forbearance, 

When  in  low,  despairing  accents 

Came  the  climax,  "How's  your  parents?" 


WANTED,  A  MINISTER'S  WIFE. 


Wanted,  a  perfect  lady. 

Delicate,  gentle,  refined. 
With  every  beauty  of  person 


SELECTED  RE^VDINGS.  143 

And  every  endowment  of  mind ; 
Fitted  by  early  culture 

To  move  in  a  fashionable  life. 
Please  notice  our  advertisement: 

"Wanted,  a  minister's  \%afe." 

"Wanted,  a  thoroughbred  worker, 

Who  well  to  her  household  looks 
(Shall  we  see  our  money  wasted 

By  extravagant,  stupid  cooks?) 
Who  cuts  the  daily  expenses 

With  economy  as  sharp  as  a  knife, 
And  washes  and  scrubs  in  the  kitchen. 

"Wanted,  a  minister's  wife." 

A  very  domestic  person. 

To  "callers"  she  must  not  be  "out;" 
It  has  such  a  bad  appearance 

For  her  to  be  gadding  about. 
Only  to  visit  the  parish 

Every  day  of  her  life, 
And  attend  the  funerals  and  weddings. 

"Wanted,  a  minister's  wife." 

Conduct  the  ladies'  meeting, 

The  sewing-circle  attend, 
And  when  we  work  for  the  needy, 

Her  ready  assistance  to  lend. 
To  clothe  the  destitute  children 

Where  sorrow  and  want  are  rife; 
To  hunt  up  Sunday-school  scholars, 

"Wanted,  a  minister's  wife." 


142  COMIC  EEOITATIONS. 

Careful  to  entertain  strangers, 

Traveling  agents,  and  "such;** 
Of  this  kind  of  "angel  visits" 

The  leaders  have  had  so  much 
As  to  prove  a  perfect  nuisance, 

And  "hope  these  plagues  of  their  life 
Can  soon  be  sent  to  their  parson's." 

"Wanted,  a  minister's  wife." 

A  perfect  pattern  of  prudence 

To  all  others,  spending  less, 
But  nev£r  disgracing  the  parish 

By  looking  shabby  in  dress. 
Playing  the  organ  on  Sunday 

Would  aid  our  laudable  strife 
To  save  the  society's  money. 

"Wanted,  a  minister's  wife." 


HOW  A  MARRIED  MAN  SEWS  ON  A  BUT- 
TON. 

It  is  bad  enough  to  see  a  bachelor  sew  on  a 
button,  but  he  is  the  embodiment  of  grace  alonjT- 
side  a  married  man.  Necessity  has  compelled 
experience  in  the  case  of  the  former,  but  the 
latter  has  depended  upon  some  one  else  for 
this  service,  and  fortunately  for  the  sake  of 
society,  it  is  rarely  he  is  obliged  to  resort  t^o 
the  needle  himself.  Sometimes  the  patient  wife 
scalds  her  right  hand,  or  runs  a  sliver  under 
the  nail  of  the  index  finger  of  that  hand,  and 


SELECTED  READINGS.  143 

it  is  then  the  man  clutches  the  needle  around 
the  neck,  and,  forgetting  to  tie  a  knot  on  the 
thread,  commences  to  put  on  the  button. 

It  is  always  in  the  morning,  and  from  five  to 
twenty  minutes  after  this  he  is  expected  to  be 
down  street.  He  lays  the  button  on  exactly  the 
site  of  its  predecessor,  and  pushes  the  needle 
through  one  eye,  and  carefully  draws  the  thread; 
after,  leaving  about  three  inches  of  it  sticking  up 
for  leeway.  He  says  to  himself,  "Well,  if  wom- 
en don't  have  the  easiest  time  I  ever  see." 

Then  he  comes  back  the  other  way  and  geia 
the  needle  through  the  cloth  easy  enough,  and 
lays  himself  out  to  find  the  eye,  but,  in  spite 
of  a  great  deal  of  patient  jabbing,  the  needle 
point  persists  in  bucking  against  the  solid  parts 
of  the  button,  and  finally,  when  he  loses  pa- 
tience, his  finers  catch  the  thread,  and  that  three 
inches  he  has  left  to  hold  the  button  slips 
through  the  eye  in  a  twinkling,  and  the  button 
rolls  leisurely  across  the  floor.  He  picks  it  up 
without  a  single  remark,  out  of  respect  for 
his  children,  and  makes  another  attempt  to  fas- 
ten it. 

This  time,  when  coming  back  with  the  needle, 
he  keeps  both  the  thread  and  button  from  slip- 
ping by  covering  them  with  his  thumb ;  and  it 
is  out  of  regard  for  that  part  of  him  that  he 
feels  around  for  the  eye  in  a  very  careful  and 
judicious  manner,  but  eventually  losing  his 
philosophy  as  the  search  becomes  more  and  more 
hopeless,  he  falls  to  jabbing  about  in  a  loose 
and.  savage   manner,   and  it  is  just  then  the 


144 


COMIC  RECITATIONS. 


needle  finds  the  opening  and  comes  up  the  button 
and  part  way  through  his  thumb  with  a  celerity 
that  no  human  ingenuity  can  guard  against. 
Then  he  lays  down  the  things  with  a  few  famil- 
iar quotations,  and  presses  the  injured  hand  be- 
tween his  knees,  and  then  holds  it  under  tho 
other  arm,  and  finally  jams  it  into  his  mouth, 
and  all  the  while  he  prances  and  calls  upon 
heaven  and  earth  to  witness  that  there  has  never 
been  anything  like  it  since  the  world  was  created, 
and  howls,  and  whistles,  and  moans  and  sobs. 
After  a  while  he  calms  down  and  puts  on  his 
pants  and  fastens  them  together  with  a  stick, 
and  goes  to  his  business  a  changed  man. 

J.  M.  Bailey. 


THE  DUTCHMAN'S  SERENADE. 

Vake  up,  my  schveet !  vake  up,  my  lofe ! 
Der  moon  dot  can't  be  seen  abofe. 
Vake  oud  your  eyes,  und  dough  it's  late, 
I'll  make  you  oud  a  serenate. 

Der  shtreet  dot's  kinder  dampy  vet, 
Und  dhere  vas  no  goo   blace  to  set; 
My  fiddle's  getting  oud  of  dune, 
So  blease  get  vakey  wery  soon. 

0  my  lofe !  my  lofely  lofe ! 
Am  you  avake  ub  dhere  abofe. 
Feeling  sad  und  nice  to  hear 
Schneider's  fiddle  schrabin  near? 


Sing. 


Sing. 


Sing. 


Sing. 


SELECTED  READINGS.  145 

Veil,  anyvay,  obe  loose  your  ear, 
Und  try  to  saw  if  you  kin  hear 
From  dem  bedclose  vat  you'm  among, 
Der  little  song  I  'm  going  to  sung : 


0  lady !  vake !  Get  vake ! 

Und  hear  der  tale  I'll  tell ; 
0  you  vot  's  schleebin '  sound  ub  dhere, 

I  like  you  pooty  veil! 


Your  plack  eye§  dhem  don't  shine 
When  you'm  ashleep— so  vake ! 

(Yes,  hurry  upp,  and  voke  up  quick, 
For  gootness  gracious  sake!) 


My  schveet  imbatience,  lofe, 

I  hope  you  vill  excuse ; 
I  'm  singing  schveetly  ( dhere,  py  Jinks ! 

Dhere  goes  a  sthring  proke  loose !) 


0  putiful,  schveet  maid ! 
0  vill  she  ever  voke? 

Der  moon  is  mooning— (Jimminy  I  dhere 
Anoder  sthring  vent  proke!) 

1  sa,  you  schleeby,  vake ! 

Vake  oud  !  Vake  loose !  Vake  ub ! 
Fire !  Murder !  Police !  Vatch  ! 
0  cracious !  do  vake  ub ! 


146  COMIC  RECITATIONS. 

Dot  girl  she  schleebed— dot  rain  it  rained 
Und  I  looked  sthoopid  like  a  fool, 

Vhen  mit  my  fiddle  I  shneaked  off 
So  vet  und  shlobby  like  a  mool ! 


BIDDY'S  TROUBLES. 

''It's  thru  for  me,  Katy,  that  I  never  seed  the 
like  of  this  people  afore.  It's  a  time  I've  been 
having  since  coming  to  this  house,  twelve  months 
agone  this  week  Thursday.  Yer  know,  honey, 
that  my  fourth  coosin,  Ann  Macarthy,  recom- 
mended me  to  Mrs.  Whaler,  and  told  the  lady 
that  I  knew  about  genteel  housework  and  the 
likes;  while  at  the  same  time  I  had  niver  seed 
inter  an  American  lady's  kitchen. 

"So  she  engaged  me,  and  my  heart  was  jist 
ready  to  burst  wid  grief  for  the  story  that  Ann 
had  told,  for  Mrs.  Whaler  was  a  swate-spoken 
lady,  and  never  looked  cross-like  in  her  life; 
that  I  knew  by  her  smooth,  kind  face.  Well, 
jist  the  first  thing  she  told  me  to  do,  after  I 
dressed  the  children,  was  to  dress  the  ducks  for 
dinner.  I  stood  looking  at  the  lady  for  a  couple 
of  minutes,  before  I  could  make  out  any  mane- 
ing  at  all  to  her  words. 

"Thin  I  went  searching  after  clothes  for  the 
ducks;  and  such  a  time  as  I  had,  to  be  sure. 
High  and  low  I  went  till  at  last  my  mistress 
axed  me  for  what  I  was  looking;  and  I  told 
her  the  clothes  for  the  ducks,  to  be  sure.    Och, 


SELECTED  READINGS.  147 

how  she  seramed  and  laughed,  till  my  face  was 
as  rid  as  the  sun  -vnd  shame,  and  she  showed  me 
in  her  kind  swate  way  what  her  maneing  was. 
Thin  sM«  told  me  how  to  air  the  beds ;  and  it  was 
a  day  for  me,  indade,  when  I  could  go  up  cham- 
ber alone  and  clare  up  the  rooms.  One  day  ]\Irs. 
Whaler  said  to  me : 

*'  'Biddy,  an'  ye  may  give  the  baby  an  airin'. 
if  yees  will.' 

"What  should  I  do— and  it's  thru  what  I  am 
saying  this  blessed  minute— but  go  upstairs  wid 
the  child,  and  shake  it,  and  then  howld  it  out 
of  the  winder.  Such  a  scraming  and  kicking 
as  the  baby  gave— but  I  hild  on  the  harder. 
Everybody  thin  in  the  strate  looked  at  me ;  at  last 
misthress  came  up  to  see  what  for  Avas  so  much 
noise. 

"  *I  am  thrying  to  air  the  baby,'  I  said,  'but 
it  kicks  and  scrames  dridfuUy.' 

"There  was  company  dowTi  below;  and  whin 
Mrs.  "WTialer  told  them  Avhat  I  had  been  after 
doing,  I  thought  they  would  scare  the  folks  in 
the  strate  wid  scraming. 

"And  then  I  was  told  I  must  do  up  Mr.  Wlial- 
er's  sharts  one  day  when  my  mistress  was  out 
shopping.  She  told  me  repeatedly  to  do  them  up 
nice,  for  master  was  going  away,  so  I  takes  the 
sharts  and  did  them  all  up  in  some  paper  that 
I  was  after  bringing  from  the  ould  country  wid 
me,  and  tied  some  nice  pink  ribbon  around  the 
bundle. 

"  'Where  are  the  sharts,  Biddy?'  axed  ]\Irs. 
WTiale^*.  when  she  corned  home. 


148  COMIC  RECITATIONS. 

**  'I  have  been  doing  them  up  in  a  quair  nice 
way,'  I  said,  bringing  her  the  bundle. 

"  'Will  you  iver  be  done  wid  your  grane- 
ness ! '  she  axed  me  with  a  loud  scrame. 

*'I  can't  for  the  life  of  me  be  tellin'  what 
their  talkin'  manes.  At  home  we  call  the  likes 
of  this  fine  work  starching;  and  a  deal  of  it  I 
have  done,  too.  Och !  and  may  the  blessed  Vir- 
gin pity  me,  for  I  never '11  be  cured  of  my  grane- 
ness ! " 


THE  INVENTOR'S  WIFE. 

It's  easy  to  talk  of  the  patience  of  Job. 

Humph !  Job  hed  nothin '  to  try  him ! 

Ef  he'd  been   married   to     'Bijah  Brown  folks 

wouldn't  have  dared  come  nigh  him. 
Trials,  indeed !  Now  I  '11  tell  you  what— ef  you 

want  to  be  sick  of  your  life. 
Jest  come  and  change  places  with  me  a  spell— 

for  I  'm  an  inventor 's  wife. 

And  sech  inventions !  I  'm  never  sure,  when  I 

take  up  my  coffee-pot. 
That  'Bijah  hain't  been  "improvin'  "  it,  and  it 

Mayn't  go  off  like  a  shot. 
Why,  didn't  he  make  me  a  cradle  once,  that 

would  keep  itself  a-rockin'; 
And  didn't  it  pitch  the  baby  out,  and  wasn't  his 

head  bruised  shockin'? 

And  there  was  his  "Patent  Peeler,"  too— a  Avon- 


SELECTED  READINGS.  149 

derf 111  thing,  I  '11  say ; 
But  it  hed  one  fault— it  never  stopped  till  the 

apple  was  peeled  away. 
As  for  locks  and  clocks,  and  mowin'  machines, 

and  reapers,  and  all  sech  trash, 
\Vh,   'Bijah's  invented  heaps  of   'em,  but  thiv 

don't  bring  in  no  cash. 

Law!  that  don't  worry  him — not  at  all;  he's 
the  aggravatin'est  man — 

He'll  set  in  his  little  workshop  there,  and  whis- 
tle, and  think,  and  plan. 

Inventin'  a  jew's-harp  to  go  by  steam,  or  a  new- 
fangled powder-horn, 

While  the  children's  goin'  barefoot  to  school  ^nd 
the  weeds  is  chokin'  our  corn. 

When  I've  been  forced  to  chop  the  wood,  and 

tend  to  the  farm  beside. 
And   look   at    'Bijah   a-settin   there,    I've   just 

dropped  do^vn  and  cried. 
We  lost  the  hull  of  our  turnip  crop  while  he  was 

inventin'  a  gun; 
But  I  counted  it  one  of  my  marcies  when  it  bust 

before  'twas  done. 

So  he  turned  it  into  a  "burglar  alarm."  It 
ought  to  give  thieves  a  fright — 

'Twould  scare  an  honest  man  out  of  his  wits,  ef 
he  sot  it  off  at  night. 

Sometimes  I  wonder  ef  'Bijah's  crazy,  he  does 
such  cur'ous  things. 

Hev  I  told  you  about  his  bedstead  yit?— 'Twas 
full  of  wheels  and  springs ; 


150  COMIC  RECITATIONS. 

It  had  a  key  to  wind  it  up,  and  a  clock  face  at 

the  head; 
All  you  did  was  to  turn  them  hands,  and  at  any 

hour  you  said. 
That  bed  got  up  and  shook  itself,  and  bounced 

you  on  the  floor. 
And  jest  sliet  up,  jest  like  a  box,  so  you  couldn't 

sleep  any  more. 

Wa'al  'Bijah  he  fixed  it  all  complete,  and  he  sot 

it  at  half-past  five, 
But  he  hadn't  more'n  got  into  it  when— dear 

me !  sakes  alive  ! 
Them  wheels  began  to  whiz  and  whir !  I  heard  a 

fearful  snap ! 
And  there  was  that  bedstead,  with  'Bijah  inside, 

shet  up  jest  like  a  trap ! 

I  screamed,  of  course,  but  'twan't  no  use;  then 

I  worked  that  hull  long  night 
A-tryin'  to  open  the  pesky  thing.    At  last  I  got 

in  a  fright ; 
I  couldn  't  hear  his  voice  inside,  and  I  thought  he 

might  be  dyin'; 
So  I  took  a  crow-bar  and  smashed  it  in,— There 

was  'Bijah,  peacefully  lyin', 

Inventin'  a  way  to  git  out  again.  That  was  all 
very  well  to  say, 

But  I  don't  b'lieve  he'd  have  found  it  out  if  I'd 
left  him  in  all  day. 

Now,  sence  I've  told  you  my  story,  do  you 
wonder  I  'm  tired  of  life  ? 

Or  think  it  strange  I  often  wish  I  warn't  an  in- 
ventor's wife?      Mrs.  E.  T.  Corbett. 


SELECTED  READINGS.  151 

MISS  EDITH  HELPS  THINGS  ALONG. 

"My  sister '11  be  down  in  a  minute,  and  says 

you're  to  wait,  if  you  please ; 
And  says  I  might  stay  till  she  came,  if  I'd 

promise  her  never  to  tease, 
Nor  speak  till  you  spoke  to  me  first.    But  that's 

nonsense ;  for  how  would  you  know 
What  she  told  me  to  say,  if  I  didn't?    Don't  yoii 

really  and  truly  think  so  ? 

"And  then  you'd  feel  strange  here  alone.    And 

you  wouldn't  know  just  where  to  sit; 
For  that  chair  isn't  strong  on  its  legs,  and  we 

never  use  it  a  bit: 
"We  keep  it  to  match  ■\\dth  the  sofa;  but  Jack 

says  it  would  be  like  you 
To  flop  j'ourself  right  down  upon  it,  and  knock 

out  the  very  last  screw. 

"Suppose  you  try!  I  won't  tell.    You ''re  afraid 

to !  Oh  !  you're  afraid  they  would  think 

it  was  mean ! 
Well,  then,  there's  the  album:    that's  pretty,  if 

you're  sure  that  your  fingers  are  clean. 
For  sister  says  sometimes  I  daub  it;  but  she  only 

says  that  when  she's  cross. 
There's  her  picture.     You  know  it?     It's  like 

her;  but  she  ain't  as  good-looking,  of 

course. 

*'This  is  ME.    It's  the  best  of  'em  all.    Now,  tell 

me,  you'd  never  have  thought 
That  once  I  was  little  as  that?     It's  tlie  only 


152  COMIC  RECITATIONS. 

one  that  could  be  bought ; 

For  that  was  the  message  to  pa  from  the  photo- 
graph-man where  I  sat— 

That  he  Avouldn't  print  off  any  more  till  he  first 
got  his  money  for  that. 

"What?  Maybe  you're  tired  of  waiting.     Why, 

often  she's  longer  than  this. 
There's  all  her  back  hair  to  do  up,  and  all  of 

her  front  curls  to  friz 
But  it's  nice  to  be  sitting  here  talking  like  grown 

people,  just  you  and  me ! 
Do  you  think  you'll  be  coming  here  often?  Oh, 

do !    But  don't  come  like  Tom  Lee— 

"Tom  Lee,  her  last  beau.    Why,  my  goodness! 

he  used  to  be  here  day  and  night, 
Till  the  folks  thought  he'd  be  her  husband;  and 

Jack  s^ys  that  gave  him  a  fright ; 
You  won't  run  away  then,  as  he  did?  for  you're 

not  a  rich  man,  they  say. 
Pa  says  you're  poor  as  a  church-mouse.     Now, 

are  you  ?  and  how  poor  are  they  ? 

"Ain't  you  glad  that  you  met  me?  Well,  I  am; 

for  1  know  now  your  hair  isn  't  red ! 
But  what  there  is  left  of  it's  mousy,  and  not 

what  that  naughty  Jack  said. 
But  there!  I  must  go;  sister's  coming!     But  I 

wish  1  could  wait,  just  to  see 
If  she  ran  up  to  you,  and  she  kissed  you  in  the 

way  she  used  to  kiss  Lee." 

Bret  Harte. 


SELECTED  READINGS.  153 

THE  SCHOOL-IMA'AM'S  COURTING. 

When  Mary  Ann  Dollinger  got  the  skule  claown 

thar  on  Injun  Bay 
I  was  glad,  fer  I  like  ter  see  a  gal  makin'  her 

honest  way. 
I  heard  some  talk  in  the  village  about  her  flyin' 

high, 
Tew  high  fer  busy  farmer  folks  with  chores  ter 

dew  ter  fly. 
But  I  paid  no  sorter  attention  ter  all  the  talk 

ontel 
She  come  in  her  reg'lar  boardin'  raound  ter  visit 

Avith  us  a  spell. 
My  Jake  an '  her  had  been  cronies  ever  since  they 

could  walk, 
An'  it  tuk  me  aback  ter  hear  her  kerrectin'  him 

in  his  talk, 

Jake  ain't  no  hand  at  grammar,  though  he  hain't 

his  beat  for  work; 
But  I  sez  ter  myself,  "Look  out,  my  gal,  yer 

a-foolin'  Avith  a  Turk!" 
Jake  bore  it  wonderful  patient,  an'  said  in  a 

mournful  waj''. 
He  p'sumed  he  was  behindhand  with  the  doin's 

at  Injun  Bay. 
I  remember  once  he  was  askin'  Tor  some  o'  my 

Injun  buns. 
An'  she  said  he  should  alius  say,  "them  air," 

stid  o'  "them  is"  the  ones. 
Wal,  Mary  Ann  kep'  at  him  stidy  mornin'  an' 

evenin'  long. 


154  COMIC  RECITATIONS. 

Tell  he  dassent  open  his  mouth  for  fear  o'  talkin' 
wrong. 

One  day  I  was  pickin'  currants  daown  by  the 

old  quince  tree, 
When  I  heerd  Jake's  voice  a-sayin':  ''Be  ye 

willin '  ter  marry  me  ? " 
An'  Mary  Ann  kerrectin',  "Air  ye  willin',  yeou 

sh'd  say." 
Our  Jake  he  put  his  foot  daown  in  a  plum,  de- 
cided way, 
"No  wimmen-folks  is  a-goin'  ter  be  re-arrangin' 

me. 
Hereafter  I  sas  'craps,'  'them  is,'  'I  calk 'late,' 

an'  'I  be.' 
Ef  folks  don't  like  my  talk  they  needn't  hark  ter 

what  I  say; 
But  I  ain't  a-goin'  to  take  no  sass  from  folks 

from  Injun  Bay. 
I  ask  you  free  an '  final :    Be  ye  goin '  ter  marry 

me?" 
An'  Mary  Ann  sez,  tremblin',  yet  anxious-like, 

"I  be."  Florence  E.  Pyatt. 


THE  DUTCHMAN'S  SNAKE. 

Near  the  town  of  Reading,  in  Berks  County, 
Pennsylvania,  there  formerly  lived  a  well-to-do 
Dutch  farmer  named  Peter  Van  Riper.  His 
only  son  was  a  strapping  lad  of  seventeen,  also 
named  Peter,  and  upon  old  P-^ter  and  young 


SELECTED  READINGS.  16j 

Peter  devolved  the  principal  cares  of  the  old 
man's  farm,  now  and  then  assisted  by  an  ancient 
Dutchman  named  Jake  Sweighoffer,  who  lived 
in  the  neighborhood,  and  went  out  to  work'  by 
the  day. 

One  warm  day  in  haying  time  this  trio  were 
hard  at  work  in  a  meadow  near  the  farm-house^ 
when  suddenly  Peter  the  elder  dropped  his 
scythe  and  called  out : 

"Oh!  mine  gracious,  Peter!  Peter!" 

"What's  de  matter,  fader?"  answered  the 
son,  straightening  up  and  loolring  at  his  sire. 

' '  Oh !  mine  Peter !  Peter ! ' '  again  cried  the 
old  man,  "do  come  here,  right  off!  Der  schnake 
pite  mine  leg ! ' ' 

If  anything  in  particular  could  disturb  the 
nerves  of  young  Peter,  it  was  snakes;  for  he 
had  once  been  chased  by  a  black  one  and  fright- 
ened nearly  out  of  his  wits.  At  the  word  snake, 
therefore,  young  Van  Riper  fell  back,  nimbly  as 
a  Avire-drawer,  and  called  out  in  turn :  ' '  Where 
is  der  shnake,  fader  ? ' ' 

"Here,  up    mine    preeehes!— Oh!    my!    my: 


my 


I" 


'Vy  don't  you  kill  him,  fader?"  exclaimel 
Peter,  junor,  keeping  at  a  safe  distance  from 
his  suffering  sire. 

"I  can't  get  at  der  little  sinner,  Peter;  you 
come  dake  off'  my  drowsis,  or  he'll  kill  be  mit 
his  pites. " 

But  the  fears  of  Peter  the  younger  overcame 
his  filial  affection,  and  lent  strength  to  his  legs, 
for  he  started  oft'  like  a  scared  two-year-old  to- 


156  COMIC  RECITATIONS. 

ward  the  old  man  Jake,  to  call  him  to  the  as- 
sistance of  his  unhappy  father.  A  few  moments 
atter,  the  two  came  bounding  toward  the  old 
man,  and  as  they  passed  a  haycock  where  their 
garments  had  been  laid  when  they  began  work 
Jake  grabbed  the  vest  which  he  supposed  be- 
longed to  his  employer.  During  this  time  old 
reter  had  managed  to  keep  on  his  feet,  althougn 
he  was  quaking  and  trembling  like  an  aspen  leai 
m  a  June  gale  of  wind. 

"Oh!  come  quick,  Yacob!"  exclaimed  he,  ''he 
pite  hke  sixty,  here,  on  mine  leg. ' ' 

Old  Jake  was  not  particularly  sensitive  to 
fear,  but  few  people,  young  or  old,  are  frpo 
from  alarm  when  a  "pizenous"  reptile  is  about 
He  seized  a  small  pitchfork,  and,  telling  the 
unhappy  Van  Riper  to  stand  steady,  promised  to 
stun  the  reptile  by  a  rap  or  two,  even  if  he  didn't 
kill  it  outright.  The  frightened  old  man  did  not 
long  hesitate  between  the  risk  of  a  broken  leg  oi' 
being  bitten  to  death  by  a  snake,  but  promptly 
indicated  the  place  where  Jake  should  strike 
Whack  went  the  pitchfork,  and  down  tumbled 
Peter,  exclaiming,  "  Oh !  my !  my !  my !  I  pleeve 
you've  proke  mine  leg!  but  den  der  shnake's 
gone. ' ' 

"Vere!  vere's  he  gone  to?"  says  old  Sweig- 
hoffer,  looking  sharply  about  on  the  ground  he 
stood  upon. 

"Never  mind  der  shnake  now,  Yacob,"  says 
Van  Riper,"  come  and  help  me  up,  and  I'll  go 
home." 

"Here,   I've   got  your  shacket— put  it  on," 


SELECTED  READINGS.  157 

says  Jacob,  lifting  up  the  old  man,  and  slipping 
him  arms  into  the  armholes  of  the  vest. 

The  moment  old  Peter  made  the  effort  to  get 
the  garment  on  his  shoulders,  he  grew  livid  in 
the  face — his  hair  stood  on  end — he  shivered  and 
shook— his  teeth  chattered,  and  his  knees 
knocked  an  accompaniment.  "0  Yacob!"  ex- 
claimed he,  "help  me  to  go  home— I'm  deadl 
I'm  dead!" 

"Vat's  dat  ou  say?  Ish  dere  nodder  shnake 
in  your  preeches  ? ' '  inquired  the  intrepid  Jacob. 

"Not  dat— I  don't  mean  dat,"  says  the 
farmer,  but  shust  you  look  on  me — I'm  shwell 
all  up,  pigger  as  an  ox!  my  shacket  won't  go 
on  my  pack.  I'm  dying  mit  de  pizen.  Oh!  oh! 
oh !  help  me  home  quick. ' ' 

The  hired  man  came  to  the  same  conclusion; 
and  with  might  and  main  he  hl^rried  old  Peter 
along  toward  the  farm-house.  IMeantime  young 
Peter  had  run  home,  and  so  alarmed  the  women 
folks  that  they  were  in  a  high  state  of  excite- 
ment when  they  saw  the  approach  of  the  good 
old  man  and  his  assistant. 

Old  man  Peter  Avas  carried  into  the  house, 
laid  on  a  bed,  and  began  to  lament  his  sad  mis- 
fortune in  a  most  grievous  maner,  when  the  old 
lady,  his  frow,  came  forward  and  proposed  to 
examine  the  bitten  leg.  The  unhappy  man 
opened  his  eyes  and  feebly  pointed  out  the  placQ 
of  the  bite.  She  carefully  ripped  up  his  panta- 
loons, and  out  fell— a  thistle-top —  and  at  the 
same  time  a  considerable  scratch  was  made  vis- 
ible. 


158  COMIC  RECITATIONS. 

' '  Call  dis  a  shnake  ?  Bah ! ' '  says  the  old  lady, 
holding  up  the  thistle. 

"Oh!  but  I'm  pizened  to  death,  Katreen!— 
see,  I'm  all  pizen!— mine  shacket!  — Oh!  dear, 
mine  shacket  not  eome  over  mine  pody ! ' ' 

"Haw!  haw!  you  crazy  fellow,"  roai^s  the 
frow,  "dat's  not  your  shacket— dat's  Peter's 
shacket !  ha !  ha !  ha ! " 

"Vat!  dat  Peter's  shacket?"  says  old  Peter, 
shaking-  off  death's  icy  fetters  at  one  surge,  ami 
jumping  up:  "Bosh!  Jacob,  vat  an  old  fool 
you  must  be  to  say  I  vas  shnake-pite !  Go  'pout 
your  pusiness,  gals.    Peter,  give  me  mine  pipe." 


NO  KISS. 

"Kiss  me.  Will,"  sang  Marguerite, 

To  a  pretty  little  tune. 
Holding  up  her  dainty  mouth, 

Sweet  as  roses  born  in  June. 
Will  was  ten  years  old  that  day, 

And  he  pulled  her  golden  curls 
Teasingly  and  answer  made — 

"I'm  too  old— I  don't  kiss  girls." 

Ten  years  pass,  and  Marguerite 

Smiles  as  Will  kneels  at  her  feet, 
Gazing  fondly  in  her  eyes, 

Praying  ,' '  Won 't  you  kiss  me,  sweet  ? ' ' 
'Rite  is  seventeen  to-day, 

With  her  birthday  ring  she  toys 
For  a  moment,  then  replies : 

"I'm  too  old— I  don't  kiss  boys." 


SELECTED  READINGS.  159 

THE  LISPING  LOVER. 

Oh!  thtay  one  moment,  love  implorth, 
Ere  yet  we  break  thith  happy  thpell ! 

For  to  the  thoiil  my  thoiil  adorth 
It  ith  tho  hard  to  thay  farewell. 

And  yet  how  thad  to  be  tho  weak, 

To  think  forever,  night  or  day. 
The  thenthentheth  my  heart  would  thpeak 

Thethe  lipth  can  never  truly  thay. 

How  mournful,  too,  while  thuth  I  kneel, 
With  nervouthneth  my  blith  to  mar, 

And  dream  each  moment  that  I  feel 
The  boot-toe  of  thy  thtern  papa. 

Or  yet  to  fanthy  that  I  hear 

A  thudden  order  to  decamp, 
Ath  dithagreeably  thevere 

Ath— "Get  out  you  infernal  thcamp!** 

Yet  recklethly  I  pauthe  by  thee,, 

To  lithp  my  hopeth,  my  fearth,  my  caretK) 
Though  any  moment  I  may  be 

Turning  a  thorerthet  down  the  thtairth! 


LARRIE  O'DEE. 

Now  the  widow  McGee, 

And  Larrie  O'Dee, 

Had  two  little  cottages  out  on  the  green, 


160  COMIC  RECITATIONS. 

With  just  room  enough  for  two  pig-pens  between. 
The  widow  was  young  and  the  widow  was  fair, 
With  the  brightest  of  eyes  and  the  brownest  of 

hair; 
And  it  frequently  chanced,  when  she  came  in  th'3 

morn 
With  the  swill  for  her  pig,  Larrie  came  with  the 

corn. 
And  some  of  the  ears  that  he  tossed  from  his 

hand, 
In  the  pen  of  the  widow  were  certain  to  land. 
One  morning  said  he : 
''Och!  Misthress  McGee, 
It's  a  waste  of  good  lumber,  this  runnin'  two 

rigs, 
Wid  a  fancy  petition  betwane  our  two  pigs ! ' ' 
"Indade  sur,  it  is!"  answered  Widow  McGee, 
With  the  sweetest  of  smiles  upon  Larrie  O'Dee 
*'And  thin,  it  looks  kind  o'  hard-hearted  and 
mane, 
Kapin'  two  friendly  pigs  so  exsaidenly  near 
That  whiniver  one  grunts  the  other  can  hear, 
And  yit  kape  a  cruel  petition  betwane." 
' '  Shwate  Widow  McGee, ' ' 
Answered  Larrie  O'Dee, 
"If  ye  fale  in  your  heart  we  are  mane  to  the 

pigs, 
Ain't  we  maine  to  ourselves  to  be  runnin'  two 

rigs? 
Och !   it   made   me   heart   ache   whin   I   paped 

through  the  cracks 
Of  me  shanty,  lasht  March,  at  yez  shwingin'  yer 

axe: 


SELECTED  READINGS.  161 

An'  a  bobbin'  yer  head  an'  a  sthompin'  yer  fate. 
Wid  yer  purty  white  hands  pisht  as  red  as  a 

bate, 
A-sphlittin'  yer  kindlin'-wood  out  in  the  sthorm. 
When  one  little  sthove  it  would  kape  us  both 

worm ! ' ' 

"Now,  piggy,"  said  she; 
* '  Larrie  's  courtin '  o '  me, 
Wid  his  dilicate  tinder  allusions  to  you, 
So  now  yez  must  tell  me  jisht  Avhat  I  must  do : 
For,  if  I'm  to  say  yez,  shtir  the  swill  wid  yer 

snout ; 
But  if  I'm  to  say  no,  ye  must  kape  yer  nose 

out. 
Now  Larrie,  for  shame!  to  be  bribin'  a  pig 
By  a-tossin '  a  handful  of  corn  in  its  shwig ! ' 
"Me  darlint,  the  piggy  says  yes,"  answered  he. 
And  that  was  the  courtship  of  Larrie  O'Dee. 

W.  W.  Fink. 


HOW  PADEREWSKI  PLAYS  THE  PIANO. 

First  a  soft  and  gentle  tinkle. 
Gentle  as  the  rain-drop 's  sprinkle, 

Then  a  stop. 

Fingers  drop. 
Now  begins  a  merry  trill, 
Like  a  cricket  in  a  mill; 
Now  a  short,  uneasy  motion, 
Like  a  ripple  on  the  ocean. 

See  the  fiingers  dance  about, 


162  COMIC  RECITATIONS. 

Hear  the  notes  come  tripping  out; 
How  they  mingle  in  the  tingle 
Of  the  everlasting  jingle, 
Like  to  hailstones  on  a  shingle, 
Or  the  ding-dong,  dangle-dingle 
Of  a  sheep-bell !    Double,  single 
Now  they  come  in  wilder  gushes, 
Up  and  down  the  player  rushes. 
Quick  as  squirrels,  sweet  as  thrushes. 

Now  the  keys  begin  to  clatter 
Like  the  music  of  a  platter 
When  the  maid  is  stirring  batter. 
O'er  the  music  comes  a  change. 
Every  tone  is  wild  and  strange ; 
Listen  to  the  lofty  tumbling, 
Hear  the  mumbling,  fumbling,  jumbling, 
Like  the  rumbling  and  the  grumbling 
Of  the  thunder  from  its  slumbering 
Just  awaking.     Now  it's  taking 
To  the  quaking,  like  a  fever-and-ague  shaking; 
Heads  are  aching,  something's  breaking- 
Goodness  gracious!  it  is  wondrous. 
Rolling  round,  above,  and  under  us. 
Like  old  Vulcan's  stroke  so  thunderous. 

Now  'tis  louder,  but  the  powder 

Will  be  all  exploded  soon ; 

For  the  only  way  to  do, 

When  the  music's  nearly  through, 

Is  to  muster  all  your  muscle  for  a  bang. 

Striking  twenty  notes  together  with  a  clang: 

Hit  the  treble  with  a  twang, 


SELECTED  READINGS.  163 


Give  the  bass  an  awful  whang, 
And  close  the  whole  performance 
With  a  yiam— bang— whang ! 


THE  FRECKLE-FACED  GIRL. 

"Ma's  upstairs  changing  her  dress,"  said  the 
freckled-faced  little  girl,  tjdng  her  doll 's  bonnet 
strings  and  casting  her  eye  about  for  a  tidy  large 
enough  to  serve  as  a  shawl  for  that  double- 
jointed  young  person. 

"Oh,  your  mother  needn't  dress  up  for  me," 
replied  the  female  agent  of  the  missionary  so- 
ciety, taking  a  self-satisfied  view  of  herself  in  the 
mirror.  "Run  up  and  tell  her  to  come  down 
just  as  she  is  in  her  every-day  clothes,  and  not 
stand  on  ceremony." 

"Oh,  but  she  hasn't  got  on  her  everyday 
clothes.  i\Ia  Avas  all  dressed  up  in  her  new  brown 
Bilk  drass,  'cause  she  expected  Miss  Dimmond  to- 
day. Miss  Dimmond  always  comes  over  here 
to  show  off  her  nice  things,  and  ma  doesn't  mean 
to  get  left.  When  ma  saw  you  coming  she  said, 
'the  dickens!'  and  I  guess  she  was  mad  about 
something.  Ma  said  if  you  saw  her  new  dress, 
she'd  have  to  hear  all  about  the  poor  heathen, 
who  don't  have  silk,  and  you'd  ask  her  for 
money  to  buy  hymn  books  to  send  'em.  Say,  do 
the  nigger  ladies  use  hymn-book  leaves  to  do 
their  hair  up  on  and  make  it  frizzy/  Ma  says 
she  guesses  that's  all  the  good  the  books  do  em,  if 


164  COMIC  RECITATIONS. 

they  ever  get  any  books.  I  wish  my  dull  was 
a  heathen." 

"Why,  you  wicked  little  girl!  what  do  you 
want  of  a  heathen  doll?"  inquired  the  mission-' 
ary  lady,  taking  a  mental  inventory  of  the  new 
things  in  the  parlor  to  get  material  for  a  homily 
on  worldly  extravagance. 

"So  folks  would  send  her  lots  of  nice  things 
to  wear,  and  feel  sorry  to  have  her  going  about 
naked.  Then  she'd  have  her  hair  to  frizz  and 
I  want  a  doll  with  truly  hair  ai^d  eyes  that  roll 
up  like  Deacon  Silderback's  when  he  says  amen 
on  Sunday.  I  ain't  a  wicked  girl,  either,  'cause 
Uncle  Dick— you  know  Uncle  Dick,  he's  been 
out  A¥est  and  swears  awful  and  smokes  in  the 
house— he  says  I'm  a  holy  terror,  and  he  hopes 
I'll  be  an  angel  pretty  soon.  Ma '11  be  down  in 
a  minute,  so  you  needn't  take  your  cloak  off. 
She  said  she'd  box  my  ears  if  I  asked  you  to. 

"Ma's  putting  on  that  old  dress  she  had  last 
year,  'cause  she  didn't  want  you  to  think  she 
she  was  able  to  give  much  this  time,  and  she 
needed  a  muff  worse  than  the  queen  of  the  can- 
non-ball islands  needed  'ligion.  Uncle  Dick  says 
you  oughter  get  to  the  islands,  'cause  you'd  be 
safe  there,  and  the  natives  would  be  sorry  they 
was  such  sinners  anybody  would  send  you  to  'em. 
He  says  he  never  seen  a  heathen  hungry  enough 
to  eat  you,  'less  it  was  a  blind  one,  an'  you'd 
set  a  biind  pagan's  teeth  on  edge  so  he'd  never 
banker  after  any  more  missionary.  Uncle  Dick's 
awful  funny,  and  makes  ma  and  pa  die  laugh- 
ing sometimes." 


SELECTED  READINGS.  165 

"Your  Uncle  Richard  is  a  had,  depraved 
wretch,  and  ought  to  have  remained  out  West, 
where  his  style  is  appreciated.  He  sets  a  horrid 
example  for  little  girls  like  you." 

"Oh,  I  think  he's  nice.  He  showed  me  how 
to  slide  down  the  banisters,  and  he's  teaching 
me  to  whistle  when  ma  ain't  around.  That's  a 
pretty  cloak  you've  got,  ain't  it?  Do  you  buy 
all  your  clothes  with  missionary  money?  Ma 
says  you  do." 

Just  then  the  freckle-faced  little  girl's  ma 
came  into  the  parlor  and  kissed  the  missionary 
lady  on  the  cheek  and  said  she  was  delighted  to 
see  her,  and  they  proceeded  to  have  a  real  so- 
ciable chat.  The  little  girl's  ma  cannot  under- 
stand why  a  person  who  professes  to  be  so  char- 
itable as  the  missionary  agent  does  should  go 
right  over  to  Miss  Dimmond's  and  say  such  ill- 
natured  things  as  she  did,  and  she  thinks  the 
missionary  is  a  double-faced  gossip.  The  little 
girl  understands  it  better  than  her  ma  does. 


WHEN  GIRLS  WORE  CALICO. 


There  was  a  time,  betwixt  the  days 

Of  linsey  woolsey,  straight  and  prim. 
And  these  Avhen  mode,  with  despot  ways, 
Leads  woman  captive  at  its  whim. 
Yet  not  a  hundred  years  ago. 
When  girls  wore  simple  calico. 


166  COMIC  RECITATIONS. 

Within  the  barn,  by  lantern  light, 

Through  many  a  reel,  with  flying  feet, 
The  boys  and  maidens  danced  at  night 
To  fiddled  measures,  shrilly  sweet; 
And  merry  revels  were  they,  though 
The  girls  were  gowned  in  calico. 

Across  the  flooring  rough  and  gray 

The  gold  of  scattered  chaff  was  spread, 
And  long  festoons  of  clover  hay 

That  straggled  from  the  loft  o'erhead, 
Swung  scented  fringes  to  and  fro 
0  'er  pretty  girls  in  calico. 

They  used  to  go  a-Maying  then, 

The  blossoms  of  the  spring  to  seek 
In  sunny  glade  and  sheltered  glen, 
Unweighed  by  fashion's  latest  freak, 
And  Robin  fell  in  love,  I  know, 
With  Phyllis  in  her  calico. 

A  tuck,  a  frill,  a  bias  fold, 

A  hat  curved  over  gipsy-wise, 
And  beads  of  coral  and  of  gold, 
And  rosy  cheeks  and  merry  eyes, 
Made  lassies  in  that  long  ago 
Look  charming  in  their  calico. 

The  modern  knight  who  loves  a  maid 
Of  gracious  air  and  gentle  grace, 

And  finds  her  oftentimes  arrayed 
In  shining  silk  and  priceless  laee, 


SEIiECTED  READINGS.  167 

Would  love  her  just  as  well,  I  know, 
In  pink  and  lilac  calico. 

Hattie  Whitney. 


A  WINNING  COMPANY. 


Ef  gran 'paw  was  a  soldier  now 
He  'd  show  'em  what  to  do ; 

You  ought  to  come  and  listen  how 
He  talks  to  me  and  Sue. 

He  tells  about  the  days 

He  led  his  gallant  men, 
And  all  about  the  different  ways 

He  won  the  battles  then. 

An'  every  night  when  paw  comes  in 
An'  says  the  fight's  begun, 

He  tells  what  they  could  do  to  win 
Er  what  they  ought  to  done. 

An'  paw  he  laugh  and  looks  at  me 
An  says  we'd  surely  vdn  it 

If  gran 'paw  led  a  company 
An'  Sue  an'  me  was  in  it. 


THE  BRAVEST  SAILOR  OF  ALL. 


I  know  a  naval  officer,  the  bravest  fighting  man; 
He  wears     a  .iaunty  sailor   suit,  his  cap  says 
"Puritan." 


168  DOMIC  RECITATIONS. 

And  all  day  long  he  sails  a  ship  between  our  land 

and  Spain, 
And  he  avenges,  every  hour,  the  martyrs  of  the 

"Maine." 

His  warship  is  six  inches   square,    a    wash-tub 

serves  for  ocean; 
But  never  yet,  on  any  coast,  was  seen  such  dire 

commotion. 
With  one  skilled  move  his  boat  is  sent  from  Cuba 

to  midsea. 
And  just  as  quickly  back  it  comes  to  set  Havana 

free. 

He  fights  with  Dewey ;  plants  his  flag  upon  each 
island's  shore, 

Then  off  with  Sampson's  fleet  he  goes  to  shed 
the  Spanish  gore. 

He  comes  to  guard  New  England's  coast,  but 
ere  his  anchor  falls, 

He  hurries  off  with  frightful  speed,  to  shell  Ma- 
nila's walls. 

The  Phillippiues  so  frequently  have  yielded  to 
his  power. 

There 'e  very  little  left  of  them,  I'm  certain  at 
this  hour; 

And  when  at  last  he  falls  asleep,  it  is  to  wake 
again 

And  hasten  into  troubled  seas  and  go  and  con- 
quer Spain. 

Ella  Wheeler  Wilcox. 


SELECTED  READINGS.  169 

HOW  SHE  WAS  CONSOLED. 


Out  on  the  field  in  red  o'  rain 

That  crimsoned  the  breasts  that  the  battle  had 

slain, 
He  lay  in  the  shadow— the  captain— at  rest, 
With  a  lock  of  gold  hair  round  a  face  on  his 

breast. 

Out  in  the  darkness,  all  pallid  and  dumb, 
A  woman  waits  long  for  the  captain  to  come ; 
And  she  kisses  his  portrait.     0,  pitiful  pain ! 
She  shall  not  kiss  the  lips  of  the  captain  again ! 

But  a  woman's  a  woman,  though  loyal  and  brave, 

Love  fareth  but  ill  in  the  gloom  of  a  grave, 

The  captain  lies  mute  'neath  the  stars  and  the 

snow. 
And  the  woman  he  loved— well,  she's  married, 
you  know! 


THAT  HIRED  GIRL. 

TNTien  she  came  to  work  for  the  family  on  Con- 
gress street,  the  lady  of  the  house  sat  down  and 
told  her  that  agents,  picture-sellers,  peddlers, 
rag-men,  and  all  that  class  of  people  must  be  mot 
at  the  front  door  and  coldly  repulsed,  and  Sarah 
said  she'd  repulse  them  if  she  had  to  break  every 
broomstick  in  town. 

And  she  did.  She  threw  the  door  open  wide, 
bluffed  right  up    at    'em.    and   when  she    got 


170  COMIC   RECITATION'S. 

through  talking,  the  cheekiest  agent  was  only  too 
glad  to  leave.  It  got  so  after  a  while  that  ped- 
dlers marked  that  house,  and  the  door-bell  never 
rang  except  for  company. 

The  other  day,  as  the  girl  of  the  house  was 
wiping  off  the  spoons,  the  bell  rang.  She  has- 
tened to  the  door,  expecting  to  see  a  lady,  but 
her  eyes  encountered  a  slim  man,  dressed  in 
black  and  wearing  a  'white  necktie.  He  was  the 
new  minister,  and  was  going  around  to  get  ac- 
quainted with  the  members  of  his  flock,  but  Sarah 
wasn't  expected  to  know  this. 

"Ah— um— is— Mrs.— ah!" 

"Git!"  exclaimed  Sarah,' pointing  to  the  gate. 

"Beg  pardon,  but  I  would  like  to  see— see—  !" 

"Meander!"  she  shouted,  looking  around  for 
a  weapon ;  "we  don 't  want  any  flour-sifters 
here!" 

"You're  mistaken,"  he  replied,  smiling  bland- 
ly.    "I  called  to-" 

"Don't  want  anything  to  keep  moths  away— 
fly ! "  exclaimed  Sarah,  getting  red  in  the  face. 

"Is  the  lady  in?"  he  inquired,  trying  to  look 
over  Sarah's  head. 

"Yes,  the  lady's  is  in,  and  I'm  in,  and  you 
are  out  ! ' '  she  snapped ;  ' '  and  now  I  don 't  want 
to  stand  here  talking  to  a  fly-trap  agent  any 
longer !     Come  lift  your  boots ! ' ' 

"  I  'm  not  an  agent, ' '  he  said,  trying  to  smile. 
"I'm  the  new—" 

'  "Yes,  I  know  you— you  are  the  new  man  with 
the  patent  flat-iron,  but  we  don 't  want  any,  and 
you'd  better  go  before  I  call  the  dog!" 


SELECTED  READINGS.  171 

"Will  you  give  the  lady  my  card  and  say  that 
I  called?" 

"No,  I  won't ;  we  are  bored  to  death  with  cards 
and  handbills  and  circulars.  Come,  I  can't 
stand  here  all  day." 

"Didn't  know  that  I  was  a  minister?"  he 
asked,  as  he  backed  off. 

' '  No,  nor  I  don 't  know  it  now ;  you  look  like  the 
man  who  sold  the  woman  next  door  a  ten  cent 
chromo  for  two  dollars.''' 

"But  here  is  my  card." 

' '  I  don 't  care  for  cards,  I  tell  you !  If  you 
leave  that  gate  open,  I  will  fling  a  flower-pot  at 
you!" 

* '  I  will  call  again, ' '  he  said,  as  he  went  through 
the  gate. 

' '  It  won 't  do  any  good  ! ' '  she  shouted  after 
him;  "we  don't  want  no  prepared  food  for  in- 
fants— no  piano  music — no  stuffed  birds!  I 
know  the  policeman  on  this  beat  and  if  you  come 
around  here  again,  he'll  soon  find  out  whether 
you  are  a  confidence  man  or  vagrant!" 

And  she  took  unusual  care  to  lock  the  door. 


WHAT  SAMBO  SAYS. 

Now,  in  de.se  busy  wukin'  days,  dey's  changed 

de  Scripter  fashions. 
An'  you  needn't  look  to  mirakuls  to  furnish  you 

wid  rations; 
Now,  when  you's  wnntin'  loaves  o'  bread,  you 

got  to  go  and  fetch  'em. 


172  COMIC  RECITATIONS. 

An'  ef  you's  wantin'  fishes,  you  mus'  dig  your 

wums  and  ketch  'em; 
For  you  kin  put  it  down  as  sartin  dat  the  time 

is  long  gone  by, 
When  sassages  an'  'taters  use  to  rain  fum  out 

de  sky! 

I  nebber  likes  de  cullud  man  dat  thinks  too  much 
o'  eatin'; 

But  frolics  froo  de  wukin'  days,  and  snoozes  at 
de  meetin ' ; 

Dat  jines  de  Temp'ance  'Ciety,  an'  keeps  a  get- 
tin'  tight, 

An'  pull  his  water-millions  in  de  middle  ob  de 
night! 

Dese  milerterry  nigger  chaps,  with  muskets  i.a 
deir  ban's, 

Perradin '  froo  de  city  to  de  music  ob  de  ban 's, 

Had  better  drop  deir  guns,  an'  go  marchin'  wid 
deir  hoes 

An'  git  a  honest  libbin'  as  dey  chop  de  cotton- 
rows. 

Or  de  State  may  put  'em  arter  while  to  drillin' 
in  de  ditches, 

Wid  more'n  a  single  strap  a-runnin'  'cross  deir 
breeches. 

Well,  you  think  dat  doin'  nuffin'  'tall  is  mighty 

sort  o'  nice, 
But  it  busted  up  de  renters  in  lubly  Paradise ! 
You  see,  dey  bofe  was  human  bein's  jes'  like  me 

an'  you. 


SELECTED  READINGS.  173 

An'  dey  couldn't  reggerlate  deirselves  wid  not  a 
thing  to  do ; 

Wid  plenty  wuk  befo'  'em,  an'  a  cotton  crop  to 
make, 

Dey'd  nebber  thought  o'  loafin'  'roun'  an'  chat- 
tin'  with  de  snake. 


THE  IRISH  SLEIGH  RIDE. 


O  don't  go  way  until  you  hear 
A  story,  though  it  may  seem  queer, 
Of  a  family  known  both  near  and  far 
By  the  funny  name  of  Ump  Ha  Ha. 
Mr.  Ump  Ha  Ha,  one  day, 
Thought  he  would  like  to  take  a  sleigh 
And  ride  upon  the  frozen  snow ; 
And  Mrs.  Ump  Ha  Ha  said  she  would  go, 
Taking  all  the  family  of  course, 
Including,  too,  the  family  horse. 
He  was  a  mule,  and  a  thin  one,  too ; 
You  could  see  his  ribs  where  the  hay  stuck 
through. 

They  hitched  him  up  to  an  old-time  bob. 

Then  you  ought  to  have  seen  the  mob ! 

There  were  Patrick,  Mary  Ump  Ha  Ha, 
Grace  and  Carrie  Ump  Ha  Ha, 
Mike  and  Freddie  Ump  Ha  Ha, 
Willie  and  Eddie  Ump  Ha  Ha. 
Tim  and  Juley  Ump  Ila  Ila, 
Rose  and  Peggy  Ump  Ila  Ha, 


174  COMIC  RECITATIONS. 

Lizzie  and  Mayme  Ump  Ha  Ha, 
Big  fat  Jamie  Ump  Ha  Ha. 

Fifteen  people  in  one  sleigli 

Started  out  to  spend  the  day. 

The  way  they  packed  and  jammed  them  in, 

It  made  the  family  horse  look  thin. 

As  luck  will  have  it,  as  it  will, 

They  started  from  the  top  of  a  hill. 

The  hill  was  slippery;  down  they  flew. 

How  fast  the}'  went  they  never  knew. 

The  time  they  made  it  can't  be  beat. 

The  old  mule  had  no  use  for  his  feet ; 

He  went  like  a  bird  or  ships  on  sail ; 

He  flew  with  his  ears  and  steered  with  his 

tail. 
It  was  a  mile  to  the  bottom  and  the  bottom 

was  mud, 
And  they  went  down  with  a  sickening  thud. 

Mary  Ump  Ha  Ha  was  dazed, 

Patrick  Ump  Ha  Ha  was  crazed, 

Little  Willie  bumped  his  nose, 

Big  fat  Jamie  she  got  froze. 

Fourteen  doctors  came  at  once. 

The  old  mule  was  buried  in  the  ground. 

Did  you  ever  see  a  dead  mule  laying  around  ? 

It  took  four  drays  to  get  them  home. 

And  when  they  found  they  broke  no  bones, 

Theyall  sat  down  and  thanked  their  stars, 

And  then  they  laughed  out,  Ump  Ha  Ha. 


SELECTED  READINGS.  175 

JANE  JONES. 
Jane  Jones  keeps  a-whisperin'  to  me  all  the  time, 

An'  says:  'Why  clou't  yon  make  it  a  rule 
To  study  your  lessons,  an'  work  hard  an'  learn, 

An '  never  be  absent  from  school  ? 
Remember  the  story  of  Elihu  Burritt, 

How  he  clumb  up  to  the  top ; 
Got  all  the  knowledge  'at  he  ever  had 

Down  in  the  blacksmith  shop." 
Jane  Jones  she  honestly  said  it  was  so ; 

Mebby  he  did— I  clunno; 
'Course,  what's  a-keepin'  me  way  from  the  top 
Is  not  never  ha\'in'  no  blacksmith  shop. 

She  said  Ben  Franklin  was  awfully  poor. 

But  full  o'  ambition  and  brains, 
.  An'  studied  philosophy  all  'is  hull  life— 

An'  see  what  he  got  for  his  pains. 
He  brought  electricity  out  of  the  sky 

With  a  kite  an'  lightnin'  an'  key. 
So  we're  owin'  him  more'n  any  one  else 

For  all  bright  lights  'at  we  see, 
Jane  Jones  she  actually  said  it  was  so. 

Mebby  lie  did— I  dunno; 
'Course,  what's  allers  been  hinderin'  me 
In  not  havin'  any  kite,  lightnin'  or  key. 
Jane  Jones  said  Columbus  was  out  at  the  knees 

When  he  first  thought  up  his  big  scheme; 
An  all  of  the  Spaniards  an'  Italians,  too, 

They  laughed  an'  just  said  'twas  a  dream; 
But  Queen  Isabella  she  listened  to  him, 

An'  pawned  all  her  .jewels  o'  wortb, 
An'  bought  'im  the  "Santa  Marier"  'n  said: 


'".V  6  COMIC  RECITATICI :  r. , 

'' '  Go  hunt  up  the  rest  of  the  earth." 
Jane  Jones  she  honestly  said  it  was  S9 

Mebby  he  did— I  dunno; 
'Course,  that  may  all  be,  but  you  must  allow 
There  ain't  any  land  to  discQY.er>  just  now. 

Ben  King. 


DE  OLD  PLANTATION  MULE. 

A  werry  funny  fellow  is  de  old  plantation  mule .; 
An '  nobody 'U  Dlay  wid  him  unless  he  is  a  fool. 
De  bestest  ting  to  do  w'en  you  xiicditatcL  -^bor' 

him, 
Is  to  kinder  sorter  calkerlate  you'll  get  along 

widout  him. 

W'en  you  try  to  'proaeh  dat  mule  from  de  front 

endwise, 
He  looks  as  meek  as  Moses,  but  his  looks  is  full 

of  lies ; 
He  doesnt  move  a  muscle,  but  he  doesn't  even 

wink; 
An'  you  say  his  'dispersition's  better 'n  people 

tink. 

He  Stan'  so  still  that  you  s'pose  he  is  a  monu- 
ment of  grace ; 

An'  you  almos'  see  a  'nevolent  expression  on  his 
face; 

But  dat  'nevolent  expression  is  de  mask  dat's  al-. 
ler's  worn; 


SELECTED  READINGS.  177 

For  ole  Satan  is  beliin'  it,  jest  as  sure  as  you  is 
born. 

Den  you  cosset  him  a  little,  an'  you  pat  his  other 

end, 
An'  you  has  a  reverlation  dat  he  ain't  so  much 

your  friend ; 
You  has  made  a  big  mistake ;  but  before  de  heart 

repents, 
You  is  histed  werry  sudden  to  de  odder  side  de 

fence. 

Well,  you  feel  like  you'd  been  standin'  on  de  lo- 
comotive track 

An'  de  engine  come  an'  hit  you  in  de  middle^ ob 
de  back ; 

You  don'  know  wat  has  happened,  you  can 
scarcely  catch  your  breff ; 

But  you  tink  you've  made  de  'quaintance  ob  a 
werry  vi  'lent  deff . 


ADAM  NEVER  WAS  A  BOY. 

Of  all  the  men  the  world  has  seen 

Since  time  his  rounds  began. 
There's  one  I  pity  every  day — 

Earth's  first  and  foremost  man; 
And  then  I  think  what  fuu  be  missed 

By  failing  to  enjoy 
The  wild  delights  of  youth-time,  for 

He  never  was  a  boy. 


178 


COMIC  RECITATIONS. 

He  never  stubbed  his  naked  toe 

Against  a  root  or  stone ; 
He  never  with  a  pin-hook  fished 

Along  the  brook  alone; 
He  never  sought  the  bumblebee 

Among  tlie  daisies  coy, 
Nor  felt  its  business  end,  because 

He  never  was  a  boy. 

He  never  hookey  played,  nor  tied 

The  ever-ready  pail, 
Down  in  the  alley  all  alone, 

To  trusting  Fido  's  tail. 
And  when  he  home  from  s\vlmmin'  came. 

His  happiness  to  cloy, 
No  slipper  interfered,  because 

He  never  was  a  boy. 

He  might  refer  to  splendid  times 

'Mong  Eden's  bowers,  yet 
He  never  acted  Romeo 

To  a  six  year  Juliet. 
He  never  sent  a  valentine. 

Intended  to  annoy 
A  good,  but  maiden  aunt,  because 

He  never  was  a  boy. 

He  never  cut  a  kite  string,  no ! 

Nor  hid  an  Easter  egg ; 
He  never  ruined  his  pantaloons 

A-playing  mumble-peg ; 
He  never  from  the  attic  stole, 

A  coon-hunt  to  enjoy. 


SELECTED  READINGS.  l'^9 

To  find  the  "old  man"  watching,  for 
He  never  was  a  boy. 

I  pity  him.     Why  should  I  not? 

I  even  drop  a  tear ; 
He  did  not  know  how  much  he  imssed ; 

He  never  will,  I  fear. 
And  when  the  scenes  of  "other  days 

My  gro\\dng  mind  employ, 
I  think  of  him,  earth's  only  man 

Who  never  was  a  boy. 

T.  C.  Haebaugh. 


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shall  do  a  favor  to  the  admirers  of  her  system,  by  pub- 
lishing the  cards  which  were  found  after  her  death, 
They  are  the  same  cards  with  which  she  prophesied  tft 
Napoleon  I.  his  future  greatness,  and  th«  downfall  of 
many  princes  and  great  men  of  France.  Each  pacl^ 
contains  flf ty-two  fine  illustrated  cards,  lithographed 
in  colors,  with  inscription  foretelling  your  past,  pres- 
ent and  future.  Can  also  be  used  for  playing  any  car4 
game.    Full  directions  with  each  pack. 

Price  per  paclcage  of  52  cards 
in  neat  case 50  cents 


Any  book  in  this  list  sent  postpaid  to  any  address  upon  receipt  of  prloa< 

_  Complete  Catalogue  sent  free. 

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HEBB^SANN'S     BOOK     OF    MAGIC.    By  Herrinj.-m. 

Including  a  full  expose  of  the  Black  Art.  This  it 
a  practical  treatise  on  how  to  perform  modern 
tricks.  Great  care  has  been  exercised  by  the  bu 
thor  to  include  in  this  book  only  such  tricks  as 
have  never  before  appeared  in  print.  This  assiores 
'  the  performer  a  secret  and  almost  endless  fund  for 
suitable  material  to  be  used  on  all  occasions.  With 
little  practice  almost  anyone  can  perform  the 
more  simple  tricka,  and  with  practice,  as  he  he- 
comes  more  adept,  he  can  perform  the  most  dim- 
cult.  No  book  published  contains  a  ere^'^r  vari- 
ety of  material  for  conjurers  and  slight-of-lian-i 
performers  than  this  book.  180  pages,  4?  illustra 
tions. 

Paper  Cojer ^5  Cants 

<)loth,GDlJ  Titles = "C  i;  ■«♦« 


"CARD   SHARPERS,   TKEIR    TRICKS 
EXPOSED,  OR  THE  AkT  OF  ALWAYS 

WINNING."    By  Bobert-Houdin. 

This  volume  was  expressly  writcen  to  "en- 
lighten the  dupes  and  there  wiU  be  no  move 
cheating."  .         ,    ,  i, 

In  unveiling  the  tricks  of  card  sharpers,  tue 
author  and  editor  have  included  everything 
practised  by  gamblers  of  all  countries,  thei 
Laving  spent  years  in  following  every  crooked 
or  cheating  move  made  by  them,  which  is  fully 
explained  by  diagrams.  _  ^.         .i. 

The  book  when  read  will  inspire  no  thought 
beyond  that  of  guarding  the  reader  against  tae 
card  tricks  of  sharpers.  200  pages,  24  illustra- 
tions. 

Paper  Coper,  printed  in  tiiree  colors. .. Price,  $  .50 
Cloth  Cover,  designs  in  gold  and  inks.       "        1.00 


THE  EXPERT  AT  THE  CARD  TABLE. 

By  S.  'W.  Erdnase.  Without  doubt  the  very  best 
and  most  up-to-date  treatise  on  the  nvinieroui 
sleights  used  by  gamblers,  concluding  with  a  thor- 
oughly interesting  chapter  on  Card  Sleights  and 
Tncks  with  Cards. 

Among  the  various  new  gambler's  sleights  will  he 
found  many  which  will  prove  of  excellent  servic* 
to  the  progressive  conjuror.  205  pages,  101  illustra 
tions. 
l2mo.  Cloth Price  $1.06 

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dress, upon  receipt  of  price.     Complete  CatalogfU 

sent  free. 


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9RAKE  EDITIOItS  FILL  THE  WANT. 


STANDARD  DRILL  &  MARCHING  BOOK. 

By  Edwin  Ellis.  Containing  an  endless  varietj 
of  new,  original  drills  and  marches  for  young  peo- 
ple. Each  being  illustrated  with  diagrams  easy  to 
understand.  No  form  of  entertainment  has 
proved  itself  more  Amusing,  Healthful  or  Popular 
than  "Standard  Drills  and  Marches."  The  author 
has  included  all  of  the  very  latest  and  most  amus- 
ing drills  and  marches  known.  160  pages,  80  illuB- 
trations. 

Illustrated  Paper  Covers 2B  Centt 

Cloth  Covers,  Gold  Titles ....50  Centt 


ZANCIG'S  NEW  COMPLETE  PALMISTRY. 

The  only  authorized  edition  published.  By  Prof, 
and  Mme.  Zancig.  Here  we  have  the  simplest 
presentations  of  the  Science  of  Modern  Palmistry. 
All  of  the  discoveries,  investigations  and  researches 
of  centuries  are  summed  up  m  this  practical  treat- 
ise on  Palmistry.  There  is  no  trait,  no  character- 
istic, no  inherited  tendency  that  is  not  marked  on 
the  palm  of  the  hand,  and  can  be  traced  with  un- 
erring accuracy  by  following  the  principles  and  in- 
structions laid  down  in  this  book.  300  pages ;  86 
fine  illustrations.  N.  B.— Other  editions  bearing 
the  name  of  Zancigs  are  not  authorized  by  them. 

Paper  Covers 25  Cents 

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THE  GYPSY  WITCH  DREAM  BOOK. 

This  is  the  most  complete  dream  book  published. 
It  contains  an  alphabetical  list  of  dreams  on  every 
subject,  including  the  lucky  numbers,  given  names 
of  both  males  and  females  and  their  numbers. 
Birthdays  and  their  significance,  Lucky  Days, 
Eules  to  learn  the  number  of  saddles  Gigs,  and 
Horses  in  any  given  row  of  numbers,  and  what 
amount  they  will  bring.  Combination  Tables,  etc. 
It  is  the  most  reHarble  and  authentic  dream  book 
ever  published;  the  gathering  of  t^e  materad 
^lonenas  occupied  years  of  carefiil  researw. 
208  pages. 

fc'^rf:^::::::.::-:::;:;:::.::::::::::::!^ 


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rOASTS  AND  AFTER  DIMMER  SPEECHES. 

Compiled  and  Edited  by  William  Young  Staftordk. 
How  many  tim.es  Ijave  you  been  called  up>on  to  re- 
spond  to  some  toast  or  speech?  What  would  yott 
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ment  Valedict^SIs,  et*.  Also  toasts  and  welcomes 
Dn  vM-ious  suJ^icts.  From  this  boe-k  you  may  learn 
some  lessons  cftat  will  prove  prontable  when  called 
upon  to  spe*  or  respond  to  some  toast  or  senti- 
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Not  only  is  it  valuable  to  the  nbvice,  but  the  ex- 
perienced orator  wiU  find  many  good  suggestions. 
180  pages. 

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Papa*  ZoTef* • ° 50  cent« 

CIctK,  Gilt  TlUes &o  tenia 

MODERN  QUADrtlLLE  CALL  BOOK  AND 
COMPLETE  DANCING  MASTER.    ^.^-0. 

President  of  the  American  National  Association  ol 
Masters  of  Dancing.  „„„„„j 

Containing  all  the  new  modern  square  dances  and 
tabulated  forms  for  the  guidance  of  the  leader  oi 
others  in  calling  them,  full  and  complete  direc- 
tions for  performing  every  known  square  dance, 
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In  the  Round  Dances  a  special  feature  consists  of 
the  Wirth  and  other  newest  methods  of  teaching 
»he  steps  of  the  waltz,  etc.    160  pages. 

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CHAS.  K.  HARRIS'  COMPLETE  SONGSTER 

Ooiiteining  one  hundred  and  fifty  latest  pop- 
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one  single  volume  on  account  of  their  ever 
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are  now  prepared  to  offer  thissuperbcoUectiou 
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Bongs. 

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BECAUSE   I   LOVE   YOU ^"^  Kriage"^^' *^°""^^""*  *"" 

It  fully  explains  How  Maidens  Become  Happj 
Wives  and  Bachglors  Become  Happy  Hnsbands  in 
a  brief  space  of  time  and  by  easy  methods.  Also 
Complete  Directions  for  Declaring  Intentiona 
Accepting  Vows  and  Retaining  Affections  both 
Before  and  After  Marriage,  describing  the  invifca. 
tions,  the  dresses,  the  ceremony  and  the  propei 
behavior  of  both  bride  and  bridegroom,  whether  in 
public  or  behind  the  nuptial  curtain.  It  also  tella 
plainly  how  to  begin  courting,  the  way  to  get  over 
bashfulness,  the  way  to  "sit  up,"  the  way  to  find  a 
3oft  spot  in  the  sweetheart's  breast.  This  is  just 
the  treatise  to  be  in  the  hands  of  every  young  bach- 
elor or  maiden,  every  married  man  or  women,  ev- 
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a  complete  marriage  guide.   200  pages. 

Paper  Cover 25  Cent* 

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CARD  TRICKS.     HOW  TO  DO  THEM. 

And  principles  of  Sleight  of  Hand.  By  A.  Roter- 
berg.  Fully  illustrated.  This  book  gives,  vrith 
careful  and  easy  instructions,  the  newest  card 
tricks  and  slight-of-hand  yet  offered  to  profess- 
ionals and  amateurs.  Not  only  does  this  book 
contain  aU  of  the  new  tricks,  but  nearly  every 
one  known  is  fully  explained  and  exposed  by 
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Buccessful  card  tricks.  170  pages,  80  fine  illus- 
trations. 

Paper  Covers 25  Cents 

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TRICKS  WITH  COSNS.    By  T.  Nelson  Dowm. 

A  full  and  complete  expose  (illustrated)  of  th« 
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eers  Dream,"  including  the  correct  method  of  exe- 
cuting the  Continuous  Back  and  Front-Hand  Palm. 

A  series  of  absolutely  new  Passes  with  Coins,  in- 
cluding eleven  distinct  and  different  methods  ot 
causing  the  disappearance  of  a  single  coin. 

This  book  contains  a  complete  explanation,  with 
illustrations  of  every  Coin  Trick  known.  Writtai 
in  a  plain,  easy,  comprehensive  style,  which  makes 
it  the  very  best  book  on  coin  tricl£s  published.  To 
the  professional  s>nd  amateur  this  book  will  be  an 
interesting  addition  to  the  already  great  number 
of  works  on  what  many  consider  to  be  the  most 
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tions. Paper  Cover..  25cts.  Cloth,  Gold  Titles..  50ct«. 
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The   Automobile    Mechanician's 
Catechism 

Over  400  Questions  and 
Answers.  Illustrated  with 
three  large  folding  charts 
with  all  parts  fully  and 
correctly  numbered. 

By 
CALVIN  F.  SWINGLE,  M.  E. 

Pocket  Edition,  ISmo.  Full  Leather, 
Round  Corners,  Red  Edges,  Stamped 
in  Gold.    Over  100  Pages. 

Price,  $1.25 

Adapted  for  use  in  the  technical 
school,  the  work  shop,  or  on  the  road. 
The  questions  asked  and  the  answers 
given  in  this  catechism  will  be  found 
to  be  an  indispensable  guide  to  quick- 
er and  better  work  by  the  automobile 
student,  no  matter  whether  that  work 
be  in  the  school,  the  shop,  on  the 
road  or  before  the  examining  board  of 
engineers. 
The  subject  matter  is  not  made  up  of  cuts  and  advertising 
eulogies  from  the  catalogues  of  manufacturers  and  dealers,  but 
consists  of  a  plain,  practical  course  of  instruction,  containing  at 
the  same  time  sufficient  theory  to  enable  the  student  to  become 
thoroughly  familiar  with  the  basic  principles  controlling  the 
design,  construction  and  operation  of  modern  automobiles  of  ail 
types,  v/hether  gasoline,  electric,  or  steam  driven.  The  questions 
and  answers  have  been  carefully  compiled,  and  they  are  presented 
in  a  clear  and  concise  form,  covering  every  detail  of  automobile 
work;  a  reliable  instructor  and  assistant  to  the  student  and 
mechanician,  while  to  the  chauffeur  the  book  is  a  most  valuable 
guide  and  helper,  giving  correct  method  lor  handling  the  machine 
under  all  conditions  of  service,  and  what  to  do  in  case  of  break- 
downs. The  demand  for  skilled  mechanics  in  the  field  of  automo- 
bile work  is  constantly  increasing,  and  especially  so  regarding  the 
operation  of  the  machines,  quite  a  number  of  the  states  and  larger 
cities  already  having  rigid  laws  requiring  chauffeurs  to  undergo  a 
strict  examination  before  a  board  of  mechanical  experts  before 
being  licensed  as  automobile  chauffeurs  or  drivers. 


Sent  prepaid  to  any  address  upon  receipt  of  price. 


FREDERICK  J.  DRAKE  &  CO.,  Publishers 

1325  Michigan  Avenue        -        -       CHICAGO,  U.  S.  A. 


Scientific  Horse,  Mtile 
and  Ox  Shoeing' ""' A^^^r'ot'ZTe^ 

O  Blacksmithing 

Sl-iNDARD  TREATISE,  adapted  to  the  demand 
of  Veterinarians,  Farriers  [and  the  Amateur 
Horseshoer.  Illustrated.  The  book  is  concisely 
m-itten ;  no  long  articles  over  the  experiments  of  others, 
but  gives  the  best  methods  known  up  to  date. 

Although  there  are  principles  laid 
j  down  in  the  book  that  will  stand  so 
long  as  the  horse  is  a  horse,  the  author 
does  not  lay  any  claim  to  infalibility 
or  perfection;  he  has  simply  laid  a 
foundation  upon  which  the  ironer  of 
horses'  feet  may  build  and  develop  a 
perfect  structure. 


Among  some  of  the  valuable  con- 
tents  are  : — 
Mnle  Shoeing:. 
Ox  Shoeing. 
Diseases  of  the  Horse. 
Hot  and  Cold  Fitting. 
How  to  Shoe  Vicious  Horses* 
Kneespriing'. 
Stringhalt. 
Contraction. 
Sand  Cracks,  etc.,  etc. 


Anatomy  of  the  Foot. 

The  Shoe  and  How  to  Make  it. 

Right  and  Wrong  Filling. 

How  to  Nail  the  Shoe. 

How  to  Fit  and  Beoalk  Old 
Shoes. 

Interfering. 

Preparing  the  Foot  for  Shoe- 
ing. 

ShoeLns  a  Trotter. 

Many  of  the  fine  illustrations  used  are  reproduced  by 
permission  from  books  issued  by  the  U.  S.  Department 
of  Agriculture. 

Large  12mo,  Cloth,  •with  Special  Cover  Design,  $1  00 

Sold  by  Booksellers  generally,  or  sent  postpaid  upon 
receipt  of  price. 


FREDERICK  J.  DRAKE  &  CO. 


PUBLISHERS 


CHICAGO, 


BLLJJNJOIS 


REVISED  AND  ENLARGED  EDITION 

MODERN    WIRING 

DIAGRAMS  AND  DESCRIPTIONS 

A  Hand  Book  of  practical  diagrams  aud 
information  for  Electrical  Workers. 

By  HEXRY  C.  HORSTMANN  and 

VICTOR  H.  TOUSLEY 

Expert  Electricians. 

This  gTcUid  little  volume  not  only   tella 
you  how  to  do  it,  but  it  shows  you. 

The  book  contains  no  pictures  of  bells, 
batteries  or  other  fittings;  you  can  see 
those  anywhere. 

It  contains  no  Fire  Underwriters'  rules; 
you  can  get  those  free  anywhere. 

It  contains  no  elementary  consider- 
ations; you  are  supposed  to  know  what 
an  ampere,  a  volt  or  a  "short  circuit" 
is.    And  it  contains  no  historical  matter. 

All  of  these  have  been  omitted  to  make 
room  for  "diztsrams  and  descriptions" 
of  just  such  a  character  as  workers  need. 
We  claim  to  give  all  that  ordinary  elec- 
trical workers  need  and  nothing  that  they 
do  not  need. 

It  shows  you  how  to  wire  for  call  aud  alarm  bells. 

For  burglar  and  fire  alarm. 

How  to  run  bells  from  dynamo  current. 

How  to  install  and  manage  batteries. 

How  to  test  batteries. 

How  to  test  circuits. 

How  to  wire  for  annunciators;  for  telegraph  and  gas  lighting. 

It  tells  how  to  locate  "trouble"  and  "ring  out"  circuits. 

It  tells  about  meters  and  transformers. 

It  contains  30  diagrams  of  electric  lighting  circuits  alone. 

It  explains  dynamos  and  motors;  alternating  and  direct  currents. 

It  gives  ten  diagrams  of  ground  detectors  alone. 

It  gives  "Compensator"  and  storage  battery  installation. 

It  gives  simr.le  and  explicit  explanation  of  the  "Wheatstone"  Bridge 
and  its  uses  as  well  as  volt-meter  aud  other  testing. 

It  gives  a  new  and  simple  wiring  table  covering  all  voltages  and  all 
losses  or  distances. 

16mo.,  2.Q0  pages,  200  illustrations;  full  leather  binding,       ^t1    SS^\ 
round  coiners,  red  edges.  Size  4xC,  pocket  edition.  PRICE      ^^  I  a^V^/ 

Sold  by  booksellers  generally  or  sent  postpaid  to  any  address 
upon  receipt  of  price. 

FREDERICK  J.  DRAKE  &  CO..  Publishers 

CHICAGO,  ILL. 


ALL   TECHNICAL    TF/^MS    AVOIDED 

Practical  Telephone  Hand  Book  and 
Guide  to  Telephonic  Exchange = 

HOW    TO     CONSTRUCT    AND    MAINTAIN    TELEPHONE     LINES 


By  T.  S.  BALDWIN.  M.  A.      Illustrated. 

Containing  chapters  on  "The  Use 
of  the  Telephone,  Series  and  Bridg- 
ing Phones,  Line  Construction,  Ma- 
terials to  be  used,  Locating  and  Cor- 
rection of  Faults  in  Instruments 
and  Lines." 

This  is  the  best  book  ever  published 
on  Farm  Telephones  and  has  been 
the  sensation  of  the  past  year  in 
telephone  circles.  It  is  the  only  book 
ever  issued  which  treats  the  subject 
exhaustively  and  comprehensively. 
It  is  of  inestimable  value  to  promot- 
ers of  rural  party  lines,  because  it 
contains  all  of  the  arguments  that  are 
necessary  to  show  the  advantages  of 
rural  party  lines.  It  also  tells  how 
such  lines  should  be  constructed  and 
cared  for. 

The  great  growth  of  the  telephone  industry  during  the  past 
few  years,  and  in  response  to  the  demand  for  a  comprehensive 
book,  giving  a  clear,  terse  idea  of  the  different  principles  govern- 
ing the  construction,  installation,  care  and  management  of  the 
various  telephones  and  their  appliances,  the  Practical  Telephone 
Hand  Book  has  been  compiled.  It  is  written  in  a  most  clear  and 
careful  style  and  aims  to  give  a  complete  review  of  the  subiect  of 
telephony. 

No  expense  has  been  spared  in  gathering  valuable  information 
and  it  has  been  the  aim  of  the  author  to  make  this  treatise  the  most 
complete  elementary  book  ever  written  on  this  subject  for  all  per- 
sons interested  in  this  great  achievement  of  modern  science 

The  text  is  profusely  illustrated  by  cuts  of  commercial  appa- 
ratus and  carefully  prepared  diagrams  of  circuits.  No  diagram  is 
given  without  a  full  explanation.  The  apparatus  and  methods  used 
in  making  all  the  tests  required  in  commercial  telephone  work  io- 
Eluding  the  exchange,  are  fully  treated. 

Price,  $1.00  Postpaid. 
FREDERICK  J.  DRAKE  &  CO. 

CHICAGO. 


This  book  is  DUE  on  the  last 
date  stamped  below. 


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